Gamble Everything For Love
by justlikebrooke
Summary: Love is about taking chances. About not being scared and just putting your heart out there. But if your heart is broken, with the pieces scattered at your feet, then is love really enough? BL
1. Love don't owe you anything

**Authors note: I had to re-post this story due to problems with updating and people not being able to see all chapters. Sad to say that this made all the reviews for the first three chapters disappear. Well... i hope this time it's going to work without complications.  
**

**I don't own anything other than my ideas...**

**So this story starts after episode 4x07 (All these things I've done) and is centered around Brooke Davis.**

**Summery: Love is about taking chances. About not being scared and just putting your heart out there. But if your heart is broken, with the pieces scattered at your feet, then what are the chances of gluing it back together? Brooke used to believe in the love she had for Lucas. But when trust is gone and friendship is out of sight, is love really enough?**

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**CHAPTER 1 – Love don't owe you anything**

It is weird, Lucas thinks. He doesn't know anyone who can look as cold as Brooke Davis.

And it's weird because if someone had told him that just weeks ago he would have disagreed totally. Because then he had felt the complete opposite. Then he hadn't known anyone who could look more loving. Passion had been in her eyes all the time, not only for him but for life in general. She'd had that spunky, yet cocky attitude that he loved and she was always smiling that dimpled smile. Always.  
Now, as he watches her looking at him from courtside, she looks so different. She's leading her squad, putting up a good game face while cheering for the boys on the court, but her eyes are completely empty. The usual glimmer nowhere to be seen. It's not that she looks angry really, and that surprises him. It's more like she's indifferent to it all. Like she is looking right through him. The only word that seems to fit her way of looking at him is cold. And it makes him wonder; How long has she been looking at him like this? And why didn't he see it in time to fix it?

He shifts a bit on the bench trying to focus on the game but this new rule, only letting him play fifteen minutes per game, is giving him too much time to think. So much has changed in these last months, he thinks as his eyes travel along the line of cheerleaders.  
Rachel, standing next to Brooke and doing her best to match Brooke's poise, has suddenly become Brooke's new right hand. Her new best friend even.  
After months of the two girls more or less hating each other, the break-up between Brooke and himself and the no longer existing friendship between Brooke and Peyton, seemed to have forced Brooke into revaluating Rachel. And seeing them next to each other dancing and waving their pom-poms, this doesn't really surprise him. Rachel is pretty much everything Brooke had been when he first met her. An overly confident, rich and spoiled, rather bitchy tease. Not quite as sexy as Brooke, but pretty close, and with the same reputation for being a partying man-eater. And seeing that Brooke seems to be getting back into her old ways, they probably get along well, he thinks frowning.

Next to Rachel there is Bevin and then Theresa, both of them being little too much of the typical ditzy cheerleader for him to really ever getting to know them. And beside Theresa there is Haley.  
Haley, who a little over two years ago, had been only his. His best friend that is, but still. It had been just the two of them against the world. Of course, that was before the world had suddenly changed, making him the popular basketball-star and boyfriend of Tree Hill High's own queen Brooke Davis. And before Haley had married his half-brother. Now, with her living with Nathan and being pregnant with his child, he doesn't really get to see her that much. The little time she has between her marriage, school and the part time job at the café she usually spends with Brooke. And since Brooke has been going out of her way lately to avoid him, hanging out with both of them is kind of out of the question.Then at the far end, on a safe distance from Brooke, is Peyton. Her blond curls are bouncing as she jumps up and down with a big smile plastered on her face, cheering for Nathan who just scored. But just like Brooke's the smile seems fake to him and he should know this since he has been spending lots of time with her lately because of all of the drama with the two 'Dereks'.  
Seeing how Peyton repeatedly glances over at Brooke he thinks that it's actually kind of strange that Peyton still has her spot on the squad. With everything that has been going on in hers and Brooke's friendship Brooke could easily have kicked Peyton off the team, she most definitely could if she wanted to. But however angry she is, Brooke is not a mean person and she wouldn't do that to her former best friend. At least he doesn't think so. But today, seeing Brooke's eyes, he is suddenly not so sure. If the looks he is getting from her are cold then the ones she's giving Peyton can't be called anything less then freezing.

The half-time signal is buzzing in the speakers and his eyes return to Brooke who is huddling her squad together before their halftime performance.  
She looks as beautiful as always, her perfect body barely hidden under the microscopic uniform and the dark hair long and shiny down her back. She smiles to the crowd; showing of the little Raven's R painted on her perfect face, and poses sexily as the music starts.  
His former girlfriend, the beautiful, oh so hot, cheerleading captain that no longer has the glimmer in her eye, and it hurts him to see that.

He's more than aware that the entire audience is watching her as she steps out on the open floor and he does the same, feeling that little pain in his stomach that he has been feeling lately every time he's realizing that she's not his anymore. And tonight, at the post game-party, it will be the same as last week. She will be open game…

"Lucas! Snap out of it!"  
Whiteys harsh voice startles him and he quickly gets to his feet to join the team in the locker-room for a halftime huddle, after shooting one last glance at Brooke. Then Nathan walks up next to him.

"Man, are you okay? You looked totally spaced out."

"I'm good. I was just thinking about some stuff."

"Stuff meaning Brooke?"

"Nah…" he shrugs and sits down on a locker-room bench. "Just stuff."

Nathan puts a friendly hand on his shoulder and sits down next to him. "You think you could postpone that for later? I kind of need your head in the game Luke. We need to win tonight."

Whitey pulls out the board and starts sketching up the plays for third quarter. Lucas sighs and pushes his thoughts to the back of his brain. "Okay Nate."

And he actually pulls it of. Being able to play a good game and keeping his eyes on the ball. That is until the other team looses the ball. And as he runs off to the sideline to get it, he sees the guy who dropped the ball stop in front of Brooke checking her out.

"Nice shot!" she says in a sarcastic tone, but the guy just smiles.

"Nice legs."

She smiles back at the guy coldly, pulling the really short skirt up even higher to show of a perfectly tanned upper thigh and then, when she see him look she hisses; "Go fuck yourself, pervert! I'm SO out of your league!"

And with that, the little concentration that Lucas has mustered is gone. He sees the other guy loom off with a long face and it's not that he isn't glad that Brooke had told the idiot off. It's just that her being like this is definitely the Brooke Davis she'd been when he first met her. Not the sweet and caring girl she had proven to be later but instead the front she used to put up. The queen bitch that had ruled the school with iron hand. Captain of the cheerleaders, Class President and Ms. Most Popular. Brooke, in a habit of getting what she wanted. And as of lately she didn't want him.

That's what really scared him.

---------------

Brooke lets go of her skirt and returns to the cheering, not giving the player a second look. "Guys are such predictable little pervert's" she says mostly to herself without letting go of her happy cheer-face even for an instant, but Rachel picks it up and hisses back giddily;

"Yes I know! Don't you just love it!"

"Actually, no."

She's not up for this today. The whole happy and cheery masquerade that is game-night. She is not looking forward to the party they're having at Rachel's house later either, knowing what type of crowd who's going to be there, but she feels like becoming really drunk. Wasted like she hasn't been in a long time.

The last six months she's been responsible Brooke. The nice girlfriend, loving best friend, not partying that much and actually trying to behave, but look where that had gotten her. Nowhere really. Her former boyfriend had proven to be a fraud and Peyton had stabbed her in the back royally. Even Nick, her rebound-lover, had turned out not only to be her teacher but also an asshole and now she is fed up with being the nice Brooke.

"I think I'm going celibate." she says seriously to Rachel as they walk out on the floor to make their cheer-routine between third and fourth quarter, but it is Peyton coming up beside her that answers;

"Yeah good luck with that! Not your strong side huh?"

She gives Peyton an icecold look before saying calmly;

"Oh sorry. I just don't want you to feel as if I'm after your spot as the frigid whore."

The music starts and she goes thru the routine without even needing to concentrate. She could do this in her sleep. Without even having to think about it the sexy smile is secured on her face and it would probably be harder for her to try and wipe it off.

She sees Lucas watching her from the bench and she looks back at him until he is the one who breaks the stare. He's looking sad and somewhat puppy-like but she shakes it of, thinking that the situation between them is his own fault. And of course Peyton's.

"But I'm not going to think about them anymore", she thinks to herself as she finishes in a perfect split, bringing down whistles and cheers from the grandstands. "They can have each other. I deserve better!"

She is aware that it's not that easy though. Lucas was her big love and will probably keep being just that for a long time coming. Her first.  
Not her first lover of course, there had been many before him, but he had been the first one to actually touch her heart enough to make her want to let him in. And she had, hence the 'first'. Before Lucas, all the guys she'd met had just wanted two things from her. Sex and hopefully a rub-off of her social status, and she had settled for that thinking that the attention was enough for her. But then Lucas stepped in from out of nowhere, being all nice and caring and made her feel as though he actually wanted to get to know her. She never wanted to fall him and yet, she had fallen like a rock. A sixteen year old stupid and naïve rock.

The first time he cheated on her with Peyton, she had been crushed completely. She had invested so much emotion into their short relationship and it had taken her months and a messed up relationship with Felix to get her back on her feet. But then Felix, formally known as her neighbor, had also turned out to be a complete idiot.

She looks over at Peyton as they walk back to the sidelines and just shakes her head at how stupid she had been back then, forgiving her best friend for cheating with Lukas behind her back. And even more so for letting herself fall for Lucas the second time around and believing his 'I'm the guy for you Brooke Davis-speech'. She should have known after their first break-up that it just wasn't meant to be. All that 'people that are meant to be together always find each other in the end'-crap just wasn't for her. And a little over a month ago, when she found out that Lucas and Peyton had cheated on her again it hadn't hurt as much as she would have thought it would do.

It wasn't that she hadn't loved him this time. She had loved him so much more.  
"Maybe it's just because my heart is already broken from before", she thinks. "Or maybe it's because I'm so tired of feeling sad".

The screaming crowd snaps her out of her thoughts and she jumps up and down to cheer for Nathan's perfect three-pointer. He deserves a little extra cheering, being one of the few nice guys left in her life. And who would have thought that two years ago, when he was still dating Peyton and being the biggest bad-boy and manwhore of Tree Hill, and Peyton and herself had been attached by the hip. Now, Peyton is the whore. And Nathan is a husband and soon to be father but he's also becoming a real friend, like back when they where kids.

Haley, who's jumping and screaming even more to support her husband, is smiling at her from further down the sideline and she smiles back, genuinely this time. Haley, being the only one she really trusts nowadays.

The buzzer sounds, signaling that the game has come to an end, and she is the first to run out on court to congratulate the team for their 20-point win. She hugs Nathan and then she feels herself being lifted up spun around in the air by one of the other players.

"Put me down Gabe!" she laughs and wraps her arms around his neck, missing the look on Lucas' face. Haley is laughing right beside her and she decides to stop the gloomy pouting. It's Friday night and in a couple of hours she and Rachel will be hosting a party.

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	2. Whatever gets you through today

**CHAPTER 2 – What ever gets you through today**

Brooke spins around in front of the big mirror, smiling contentedly at her own reflection. She looks like a million bucks and she knows it. The short denim-skirt doesn't cover much more than her cheer-uniform had done a little while ago. And with the strappy highhealed sandals her golden legs seems to go on for ever. She ties the halter-necked top in the back and gently detangles her hair that's flowing down her back in loose curls.

Rachel, being seated by the vanity putting on make-up, gasps for air.

"I can't breathe in here… there's no room with Brooke's enormous ego!"

"Oh come on Rach" she laughs back. "Don't hate! You look really good. Just not as good as me."

Rachel just rolls her eyes in a 'you're stupid' kind of way and she smiles cheekily towards her and downs the last sip from the drink that she's already served herself. People will be arriving soon but she's pretty much done with her make-over and she feels prepared. Tonight she will go back to being her old self. The Brooke who doesn't do relationships and who calls the shots. The Brooke on top.  
She pours another drink for herself and then serves Rachel one before raising her glass.

"What should we drink to?"

Rachel thinks. "Boys?"

"No, boys are so last season" she says, still admiring her self in the mirror.

"Then how about to being young and gorgeous?"

"That I'll drink to any day!"

The doorbell sounds and the girls hear Mouth's voice from downstairs.

"Rachel! I'm here with the sound equipment… Where do you want me to put it?"

"Just put it up out by the pool. We'll be right there…"

After a final touch on her make-up Brooke runs down the stairs and hugs Mouth warmly. The speaker's are going to have to come up soon she thinks, because people have already started parking in the street.

* * *

It's still warm in the evenings although the autumn is here to stay and Brooke sits down next to Mouth on the patio, enjoying the soft breeze. People are scattered all around the pool and inside the house, and it looks like a good turn-out. She's tired from walking around being the perfect hostess and she stretches out her long legs in front of her, thinking that it has been more fun then she'd remembered to innocently flirt with who ever she liked.

"This party is actually alright" she tells Mouth happily and he nods and smiles at her.

"It's nice to see you happy. You've been kind of distant lately…"

"I'm fine Mouth. It's just been a hectic period. I'll be back to the cheery little old me in no time!"

She gives him a huge smile, dimples in full effect, and leans in closer to whisper in his ear.

"You wanna know a secret though? I think I'm a bit tipsy…"

Nathan walks up the driveway and before Mouth has any chance to answer her last remark she jumps up. And with an even bigger smile she shouts;

"Tudor-husband! Good game!!"

"Thank's Davis, I did my best."

"Of course you did. You ARE the best!"

She laughs and gives him a hug before pulling him with her towards the entrance.

"I know Tudor-wife isn't coming, but be calm! You have me, and I'm going to make it my personal mission to see to it that you have a good time! Come on, let's get you a drink!"

Nathan laughs sheepishly towards Mouth and she hears him whisper a playful "Help!" before being dragged into the house.  
Walking into the living room on the way to the kitchen she passes Peyton without giving her a single glance.

"Just great", she thinks. "Lucas must be here somewhere…"

* * *

"Hey Luke! Where's the keg?"

The party has been going on for a couple of hours and the booze is flowing. Even though Lucas doesn't know the guy who's shouting out the question he smiles and points out the direction towards the kitchen. There are lots of people at this party that he's never seen before. Mostly guys, but then again Rachel and Brooke knew more people then anyone else he could think of.

Peyton is sitting on the couch next to him talking vividly to some girl about music and he suddenly feels an urge to get out of the crammed up living-room and get out for some air. He walks out on the patio and finds Mouth sprawled out on a sun-bed.

"Hey Mouth" he says and offers him his hand. Mouth takes it and smiles, looking like he might be slightly drunk.

"Hey Luke. You having fun?"

"Yea, it's alright I guess. The music is kind of bad…"

"I know… Brooke paid some DJ from some collage to play. She said she wanted me to be able to party, not just stand in the DJ-booth all night."

They both laugh as a Justin Timberlake-song starts playing from the speakers.

"Cheers to pop!" Mouth raises a plastic glass to Lucas. "Anyway, she says that I need to socialize more so she's pouring alcohol down my throat every time she sees me…"

"Well, that's nice of her. So is that why you're hiding out here?"

His voice turns out a little more sarcastic than he planned for and Mouth looks at him strangely.

"Um, no. Actually that IS nice of her to want to hang out with me instead of having me work. Brooke is a nice person, you know. You seem to have forgotten that… And for your information, I'm not hiding from her. She was just out her a little while ago. She just went inside to get Nathan a drink."

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Brooke has left Nathan inside and is heading back out to find Mouth and bring him into the kitchen as well. Bevin had come up with the crazy idea to play 'twister' and she wants Mouth to join them. But he's not were she left him moments ago. Instead Lucas is now sitting on the sunbed and looks up when she walks towards him.

"Have you seen Mouth" she asks and he looks surprised that she's talking to him.

"Yeah, he was just here. I think he was going to go find Gigi…"

She turns to go back inside but his voice stops her.

"Brooke… Can we talk?"

She sighs inwardly ant turns to look at him again. He looks sad and she figures that she is still sober enough to be able to talk to him a while without getting emotional so she nods.

"Okay… about what?"

"I miss you soo much Brooke… I know you said when you broke up with me that you couldn't do it anymore but you also said that you still love me… And if you do, then why can't we give this one more try?"

He still sitting down but when she shakes her head slowly he gets up on his feet.

"Why? You know that we are great together. We're like yin and yang, you pick me up, I hold you down… It was you who said all those things. How come you suddenly changed your mind?

She's trying to figure out how much of the things he's saying that are sincere. If he's just saying the things he knows that she wants to hear. But he looks truthful, even a little desperate to be honest. So she extends her hand to him.

"Come on Broody… walk with me in the garden."

He takes her hand in his and they slowly walk past the big turquoise pool down towards the rosebushes. She doesn't talk and he walks silently beside her as if he understands that he shouldn't push this. She stops at a bench and they sit before she finally says;

"You know Luke… I have this problem… I've never met a person that makes me feel both as bad and as good as you do. But the thing is that it ruins my life. On a good day, being with you makes me walk on clouds. But most days you make me so insecure…"

She looks at him to see if he understands but he looks confused.

"I really loved you. Maybe I will always love you. But you keep prioritizing everybody else before us… You say you miss me, but you miss my body Lucas. You miss the sexy Brooke Davis that takes you out on late night adventures and that can give you a great lay. You don't miss ME."

"That's not true Brooke! I DO miss you. But you keep blowing everything out of proportion. I have to prioritize Peyton. She's had such a ruff time this last year and she's my friend."

He looks at her like she's being childish and she starts to grasp that this isn't going were she hoped. Lucas is never going to understand.

"I know she's your friend. Hell, she used to be my BEST friend but I was your girlfriend. That should count for something, right?"

Lucas suddenly looks annoyed. He shifts on the bench and looks over at the house.

"Of course it counted. But every time Peyton was in the same room as us you acted like we were going to lie to you or cheat behind your back."

She is angry now. But still she keeps the calm face and the cold emotionless voice. "You know why?" she says looking straight into his eyes. "Because you lied to me before and it almost killed me. And that's why I've been avoiding you since we broke up. Because even if I felt anything for you now I would resort to any means necessary to protect myself for ending up in that position again."

Lucas sighs loudly.

"But I'm not going to lie to you. Brooke, listen to me, I'm not going to hurt you this time!"

"And you know why? Because I'm not going to let you in. You don't get to have me. Not my body, and sure as hell not my heart. I don't want you anymore Luke! You had your chance and we're done."

The tears are burning in her eyes threatening to spill onto her cheeks and she doesn't want to give him the pleasure of knowing that his ignorance has gotten to her that much. So she walks off, leaving him on the bench under the rosebushes. And he doesn't call after her either.

* * *

Nathan puts down his empty beer bottle on the kitchen-table and laughs at Skills who's trying to turn Bevin upside-down. The party is actually okay, even without Haley, but he's kind of drunk now and he had promised himself to take it easy tonight. "I'm blaming Brooke and her vodka-shots" he thinks. At least Rachel hasn't bugged him tonight as she had done at most of the latest parties.  
Come to think about it, he hasn't seen either Brooke or Rachel in a while now. Last time he had seen Brooke was little after the shot-happening here in the kitchen. She had gone to get Mouth but she never came back and then a couple of minutes later he had seen her through the window. She had been talking to Lucas in the garden, actually looking rather friendly. And after her not even acknowledging Lucas for the last month this was a big change.

Himself and Haley had waited for Brooke to crash through the floor after hers and Lucas' strange break-up, and to become raging and emotional as usual. But apart from her slapping Peyton that one time she had almost behaved like neither her and Lucas' or her friendship with Peyton had ever happened. Almost.

She had of course told both him and Haley about the kiss in the library, yet he could feel that there were lots that she didn't tell. And knowing Brooke those 'other' things were probably the bigger issue. It just seems strange to him that Brooke isn't telling. Brooke, who was usually over-sharing.

Instead Lucas had been the one moping, trying to get back at Brookes good side. Nothing had worked though; she had hardly offered him as much as a 'hello'.

He walks around in the house for a while trying to find her, suddenly curious about hearing what's gotten her back on speaking terms with his brother. And finally he finds her standing by her self in a corner, holding a bottle of vodka in her hand.

She looks drunk, drunker then he's seen her in a long time, maybe even since beginning of junior year, and she looks lonely.  
He can see that she is watching something intensely and when he follows her stare he sees Lucas and Peyton just outside the open balcony-doors. They're laughing and talking, heads close together, and he feels so sorry for Brooke. The last month can't have been easy for her, he knows that. She has been holding up great, but tonight it seems like her mask is cracking. Her facial expression is still cold and nonchalant but her eyes are giving her away. Even Nathan can see she's sad and he is drunk himself.

"You shouldn't be drinking that Brooke…" he says walking up to her and calmly taking the bottle out of her hand.

"And why is that?" Her voice is a bit slurry and she seems kind of spaced out. Not the usual drunk and happy Brooke, more like she's really somewhere else.

"Because you're going to feel bad later."

She looks at him strangely, suddenly very much back in focus. "Whatever gets you through the day, right Nate?" she says raising her eyebrow as if really waiting for him to answer, but then she turns and walks out towards the pool.

He stays behind, watching her as she goes, and he remembers the day long ago when he had said the exact same words to her.  
They couldn't have been more then eleven or twelve and he had downed almost half a bottle of his dad's whiskey in order to numb his feelings of inadequacy towards his father. Brooke had found him in the bushes behind school, drunk beyond recognition, and she had helped him home to her house and taken care of him best as she knew how. She hadn't told on him but when he sobered up she had asked him why and he had simply answered;

"_I just didn't want to feel anymore."_

She had looked at him questionably and asked; _"And you can fix that with alcohol?"_

"_Whatever gets me through today Brookie…" _he had laughed_ "whatever gets me through today."_

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	3. How can you mend a broken heart

* * *

**CHAPTER 3 – How Can You Mend a Broken Heart**

Brooke walks out into the pool-area. They cool breeze should probably make her cold in her mini-skirt but as Nathan so nicely had tried to point out without saying it to her face; she is drunk and she knows this.

People out here are having fun and she sees Rachel and Theresa over at the sunbeds, laughing and playing a drinking game with some guys from the team. She's decides to go over there. Go over there and to smile her sexy confident smile, play a little game and maybe even tease Gabe by seating herself on his lap.

She just has to wait for the pain in her heart to subside a bit.

She knows she has deliberately turned of her feelings to make the break-up between herself and Lucas less painful. And for weeks it's worked. Her heart no longer races when she sees him in the corridors at school. Seeing him make that broody face that he believes is so sexy no longer makes her break out into a huge grin. And she, who used to stare at him for minutes at the time when he wasn't looking her way wondering how she'd could have been so lucky, has of lately been able to look at him all indifferently.  
Not feeling has been good.

The alcohol that she's been drinking all night is changing that though. Suddenly all these bottled up emotions comes bubbling up to the surface wanting out, and it's taking her all of her energy not to let them. Seeing Lucas and Peyton laughing out on the balcony had been so hard. Especially after the talk she had with him less then an hour ago. The talk where she had forced her self not to spill her heart to him.

She takes a deep breath, pushing the thought of how she had actually wanted to believe him to the back of her head. Then she puts on a fully dimpled smile and walks over to the others.

"Brookie! Where have you been?" Theresa says happily and downs a shot of something that looks like tequila. "We're playing this great game here, you wanna join?"

Brooke plops her self down on Gabe's knee. "Naw… I'll just win and you guys would all be sorry…"

But Rachel just laughs at her fake-innocent face. "Well then, game on Brooke Davis.

Some guy named Mark, or at least something in that direction, is starting to fill two rows of shot-glasses with liquor. She smiles inwardly. If the game consists solely of downing the most shots these guys will be knocked down before they even know what hit them.

The Mark-guy lifts the first glass and says; "So beautiful, first to back down or fall of the chair?"

She gets up and seats herself cross the table from him, nodding cheerily.

"Sure thing, loverboy!"

"I say the loser is thrown in the pool… Do you want to add any rules or do you want like… a girl-handicap?"

He smiles a cocky smile, probably thinking that he has this night's drunken hook-up already in the bag. But she just shakes her head looking all innocent.

"No, it's okay. Everything is fair in love and drinking, right?"

In the corner of her eye she can see Rachel laughing and she winks at her cheekily.  
This was going to be easy.

* * *

It's cold outside now and Nathan listens to Brooke while trying to get her to go inside. He's been trying for over twenty minutes but she isn't budging, stubborn as she usually is. Her clothes are soaking wet and her skin on her arms and in her cleavage is prickled with goosebumps, but instead of admitting that she's cold, she is busy trying to defend herself to him.  
And it's not that he doesn't want the explanation, he's curious to know why Brooke would jump in the pool with her clothes on this late in the fall and why she is so unbelievingly drunk. It's just that it would probably be much easier to make any sense of what she's saying tomorrow when she was sober.

He had found her out here half an hour ago making out with some guy and he had cut in and stopped her. He's still not sure why but it'd just seemed as though she didn't want to be in the situation she was being. She had just seemed really detached and very drunk. Kind of like if she wasn't aware of what she was doing.

"I'm just tired of feeling bad, okay?" she slurs. "I'd rather feel nothing, it's easier… I'm not an evil slut, you know that Nathan, but I have to protect my heart… and this… is the only way I know how…"

She rambles and her voice cracks a little in the end of each sentence like she's about to cry. Tears are welling up in her eyes and he knows how she feels alone and heartbroken. He had been in the same dark place that she's in now when Haley left him for Chris and the tour.

"I understand… You act the way you do because you have to Brooke. Trust me, if there's anyone who knows that, it's me. You can't seem weak because then maybe someone might take advantage of that weakness. Jealous people are always looking for a way to bring you down in order to take your spot. And it makes it harder to put your heart out there, even without having it crushed like you've had…"

He puts his arm around her shoulders, his voice much softer now.

"…But you can't keep hiding the real you. I know Lucas hurt you when you let your guard down for him, but at least he got you to come out of your bitchy shell and become the loving Brooke that you used to be before all this popularity-crap… Right?"

"I love him so much…" she whispers suddenly very tired. And knowing that its Lucas she's talking about, he answers;

"I know you do B."

She is very quiet and she just looks at him with big childlike eyes full of tears. Like he has just torn open a big, badly healed wound and now it's bleeding profoundly without her being able to stop it. And then the tears well over and starts pouring down her cheeks. Silently.  
Nathan looks at her and sighs. "Brooke baby…" His voice low as he pulls her into a hug, holding her tight. "Don't cry. You never cry…"This is usually the truth. He has always known Brooke as strong, happy, carefree and independent, but it's clear that she's not that Brooke tonight, sobbing into his chest. He can feel her shoulders shaking and he rubs her back feeling a little awkward, but he just wants to comfort her. Make her feel better. This is the emotional crash-landing that he and Haley had been foreseeing, it just comes later then predicted.

"I know I shouldn't be saying this about my own brother but why can't you just forget the punk? He doesn't deserve you, you know that. He hurts you every time…"The more he thinks about it he just wants to protect her from Lucas' fuck-ups and after more then ten minutes, when Brooke finally seem to be able to stop crying he lifts her chin up, forcing her to look at him. "Do you want me to get you out of here? Up to your room?"

This time he gets some sort of reaction and she nods. So, still with his arms around her shoulders, he walks her through the crowd hanging by the pool and into the big house. People look at them walking into the hallway but he sends angry glances at them telling them to mind their own business and brings her up the stairs towards her bedroom. He realizes how it looks though, him being all drunk last time they saw him and now he's dragging a limp-looking Brooke up to the second floor. He must have done this a hundred times before he met Haley and they've all seen him do it, but with other girls, and for a totally different reason.  
People are probably going to talk about this tomorrow but he doesn't give a shit if they think he slept with Brooke. Half the school already thinks they did that years ago. It had been foreseen as early as in junior High, them already being the head cheerleader and the captain of the basketball team. The eventual perfect couple that never happened, and when they didn't get together, the rest of the school just took for granted that at least they'd had sex.

But again, he doesn't care much what people thinks. The only one whose opinion he cares about is his wife's and she would understand. Hell, she would probably kill him if she found out that he hadn't helped Brooke tonight.

He pushes open her bedroom door and with his hand on the small of her back he gently guides her into the room.  
"Let's get you to bed" he says touching her cheek lightly, "You're a mess girl…"

Normally the drunken Brooke he knows would give him some snide remark about the 'getting to bed'-part, but not tonight. And that makes him even more worried about her. Even when she's sad she always resorts to sex-jokes but now Brooke is not only drunk and depressed, she's behaving like she's sleepwalking. Not responding when he talks to her and not really looking at him either. She's just standing there in the middle of the room.  
Last time he had done this was just in the beginning of all of this. At the end of that basketball-banquet when Lucas first had hooked up with Peyton and Brooke had tried to break them apart. That time Brooke had been almost as drunk, but not nearly as broken.

At first he doesn't know what to do next, but looking at her he realizes that he can't let her go to bed like this. Her clothes are still more than damp from the earlier dip in the pool. A stupid idea of course, but then he had just been glad she and Theresa hadn't decided on skinny-dipping with all the drunk and horny guys around. Brooke is his friend and he wouldn't have wanted to see his teammates drool over her more than they already did. Especially now when she's single.  
He gets her to sit on the bed and then he looks through her drawers until he finds a big t-shirt. It's probably one of Lucas's but it can't be helped.

"Put this on…" he says handing it to her but she doesn't take it and he sighs. "Okay Brookie, you've got to help me here. Raise your arms…"

He grabs the hem of her shirt and pulls it up over her head before replacing it with the clean t-shirt. Seeing her half naked upper body doesn't really bother him. He has seen her in her underwear so many times before that he can't even count them. On game-trips sharing locker-rooms, on drunken parties playing strip-poker and most of all, at the beach.  
But when unbuttoning her skirt and pulling it off her he looks away, suddenly feeling that seeing her half naked in this vulnerable state is different.

She lays down, curled up into a ball, and he pulls the covers over her and places a soft kiss on her head. "Seriously Brooke, what has Lucas done to you? I've never seen you like this…"

She's already closing her eyes and He gently strokes away a few strands of hair from her face before walking towards the door. "I'll be right back. I'm just going downstairs for a minute."

He's not going to leave Brooke alone, at least not before the party is over and Rachel decides to go to bed, but he needs to call Haley and tell her where he is and his cell phone is downstairs in his jack pocket. He closes the bedroom door tightly behind him, wishing that he could lock it. It would be a nightmare if some drunken guy walked in there while he was gone. In the state she is in it would be so easy to take advantage of her.

It's after 2 am but the party is still in full effect. The living room is full of people drinking, dancing and making out and the music from the speakers out by the pool is loud even in here. He finds his jacket and grabs it to go back when Lucas puts a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey little brother, have you seen Brooke?"

Lucas looks tired and guilty, kind of sad actually, but Nathan doesn't feel at all sorry for him.

"Don't touch me!" he hisses pulling away from Lucas, "And stay the fuck away from Brooke, you hear me? Haven't you done enough to her?!"

Lucas looks confused, doing that squinty look with his eyes, but Nathan's not buying his act. And he doesn't really have the time to stand there and explain either. He has to get back to Brooke and take care of the mess Lucas has created.

"Nate, what's going on?"

"Just don't talk to me, okay? I'm really not in the mood for your bullshit… I don't want to fight with you since you're my brother, but you've got to let me go now."

He's starting to walk back towards the stairs, already with the phone in his hand, but Lucas' just wont give up. "Nathan! What?!"

Turning around to face Lucas again he feels his pulse rise with anger. "Look! She's crushed, alright? Completely broken! You did enough, now go on! Leave!"

Lucas' jaw drops and he looks like he's just been slapped. "Who… Brooke?"

Nathan watches him with mixed emotions trying to decide if he's wants to punch him in the face or feel sorry for him.

"Nathan, you got to let me talk to her… Where is she? Is she okay?"

"No Luke. As I said she's not okay. And you are not going to talk to her. Not tonight and not in the near future. I'll be seeing to it that you don't…"

He doesn't yell at his brother, he just says it in a low cold voice and maybe that's what makes Lucas understand that he's being serious. Lucas then shakes his head and sighs, finally turning and walking the other way.

-------------------

Nathan closes the door behind him and walks up to the sleeping form on the bed. After seeing to it that she's okay he dials his own home-number and waits as the call connects. He feels bad for waking his wife up at 2.30 in the morning, her being pregnant and all, but he knows that she'll be worried if she wakes up later and sees that he's not there. After just a little while she answers with a sleepy voice.

"Hallo?"

"Hey baby…"

"Nathan? Where are you?"

"I'm still at the party at Rachel's house. Sorry for waking you up…"

"It's okay. It's nice to hear your voice."

He can hear her yawning and smiles while picturing her all snuggled up back home in their bed.

"I just wanted to call and tell you that I'm probably going to be here for a while, maybe until tomorrow morning. I didn't want you to worry if you woke up."

"That's sweet of you Nathan, but what's up? You sound strange. Is Rachel there with you? You know that I don't like…"

He cuts her off, his voice still low not to wake up Brooke; "No Haley I'm not with Rachel, I'm with Brooke, and she's not feeling too good… I just have to stay and watch over her a bit."

"What's wrong with Brooke? Should I come over?" Haley is fully awake now and she sounds worried. Fuck, this was just what he didn't want.

"No, she just very drunk, she'll be alright. Just go back to sleep Hales. I've got her, I promise."

She breathes out. "Okay. But you'll call me if she needs me, wont you?"

"I will. I love you."

He hangs up the phone and sits down in the plush armchair next to Brooke's bed. "I'm going to watch over her just as I promised", he thinks. But the part where he had told Haley that Brooke would be alright was another story. Brooke was going to wake up tomorrow with a huge hang-over, but that could be helped with a couple of asperin and some pizza.  
The hang-over from the alcohol that is, because the emotional hang-over, from finally breaking down and feeling something wasn't going to be fixed quite that easy.  
He knows this from experience.

* * *

Plz Review! Chapter 4 should be up really soon. 


	4. The pros and cons of breathing

**Authors note: **Hey! Sorry for the slight update-delay. Thanks so much for the reviews so far. It's great to hear that you like the story. The OTH-show is making me really depressed though and i'm totally agreeing with younikki Ditto; Go TEAM BROOKE! ;)

Here's chapter 4 for you guys. R&R Please.

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**CHAPTER 4 – The pros and cons of breathing**

"Life is strange right now" Brooke thinks with eyes still closed, "kind of like life in a fishbowl".  
The last weeks she's been swimming around all disoriented while people have been looking in through the glass. And those people all seemed to have a better clue as to what she was doing than herself.

Her head hurts. Not the usual pounding of the day after, but a migraine-like pain making it hard for her to focus or even think. Her mouth is dry like the desert and her tongue glues to the roof of her mouth. Every little sound is too loud in her ears. She slowly opens her eyes, covering them with her hand and still the morning light makes her wince with pain.

Rachel's bed on the other side of the room is empty and it's still made. Either she'd gone off sleeping somewhere else or she just hadn't slept at all. Turning towards her nightstand to see what time it is Brooke lays eyes at the person sleeping in the chair by her bed, and it all comes back to her.

Nathan had saved her last night. From herself.

How she'd ever gotten that drunk is beyond her. Yes, she had meant to become wasted, but to become so drunk that she couldn't take care of her self had not been the purpose of drinking last night.  
She remembers bits and pieces of the evening. Remembers having fun with Mouth, Rachel, Nathan… But the memories that are most vivid are the ones from her talk with Lucas.

After that everything had gone overboard. The pain of feeling, the dozens of tequila-shots, loosing the drinking game to that guy Mark and then volunteeringly going for that swim fully clothed... Mark had been there when she got back up, and soaked and freezing it had seemed like a good idea when he kissed her. On second thought, she had just let him kiss her without thinking at all. That was until she found herself standing by the bench next to the rosebushes, just where she and Lucas had been sitting a while earlier, but now this guy that she didn't really know had his hand up inside her top and it all just seemed _wrong_…

And then there's the memory of Nathan holding her for what seemed like hours, while she cried.

He must have brought her up here but she can't remember that. She thinks as hard as her headache lets her, forehead in deep creases, but after Nathan hugging her there by the rosebushes her memory of last night is blank.

She turns and watches him and then Nathan slowly opens his eyes, blinking towards the sunlight. He looks at her and smiles kind of big-brotherly.

"Morning… Are you okay?"

Nodding, she breathes out. And she's back inside her fishbowl.

* * *

It's a beautiful Saturday. The blue skies are free of clouds and it's less humid than it's been the last couple of days. Seagulls are flying over the sandy beaches probably feeling the churn of hunger as it closes to lunch time. Nathan slows down his jog and turns to run backwards, watching the girl running behind him in green sweats.

"Brooke Davis! Come on or I'll come back there and get you! And believe me, you don't want that!"

She picks up the pace until she's running beside him again. She pouts, looking like she's feeling really sorry for her self, but at least she has gotten the color back on her cheeks and she hasn't given up yet.

"I know your dad says that you should work-out when you're hung over" she huffs, "but news-flash; Your dad is an asshole! And I'm just a girl…"

He has to laugh out loud. No one pouts as good as Brooke. She does that thing with her lower lip, pushing it out so that she looks like she's five years old. But he keeps running thinking that whatever she says the exercise is good for her. This way she doesn't have to think about last night and he gets a little more time to figure out how he's going to close in on the subject 'Lucas' without making her cry again.

"Hey stop whining. I gave you two Tylenol's didn't I? And I told you to drink that raw egg yolk, which would have definitely cured you…"

She makes a face as if she wants to through up but he continues.

"…Besides, aren't you supposed to be that toned cheerleading captain I've heard of? I remember you saying that you were in better shape than me not so long ago… When was it? The Classics?"

"Oh, just shut up Nate!"

He smiles and they run quietly for a while. He makes a left before Burnette Drive so that they wont have to run past Lucas' house and he can see her eyes looking in that direction but she doesn't question him. It's just a couple of blocks left to his and Haley's apartment and his wife has breakfast waiting for them.

"It's going to be good for Brooke to talk to Haley" he thinks. "Haley will know what to say…"

* * *

Lucas pulls a sweater over his head before drying his blond hair with a towel. He needs to get out of the house a couple of hours before afternoon practice and he's thinking of going to see Nathan and Haley. He hadn't left things on a good note with his brother last night and now he's anxious to talk to him. He needs to know how Brooke is.

He has called Brooke four times already this morning but her cell phone is turned off.  
What Nathan had said last night still made him feel confused. Brooke had told him when they talked in the garden that she didn't want anything to do with him. He told her that he missed her and that he wanted them to try again but she had just seemed cold and angry. Yet Nathan told him just a few hours later that she was heartbroken and that it was his fault. How come?

He thinks about last night's party while grabbing his favorite worn jeans and pulling them on. It had mostly turned out the way he thought. Brooke had mingled, being the perfect party-queen that she was, and after their talk he had watched her get drunker and drunker until he finally saw her sitting in Gabe's lap. And that had been his cue to leave the party.  
But then he got caught up in the kitchen talking to Peyton about her brother and he never got to it. He wanted to say goodbye to Brooke before leaving but when he couldn't find her he just figured that she'd gone with Gabe. Well. At least until he met Nate.

For a moment there by the rosebushes he had thought things were going to change. Brooke's voice had been soft, hopeful. But something must have changed her mind;

"_I really loved you" she says. "Maybe I will always love you. But you keep prioritizing everybody else before us… You say you miss me, but you miss my body Lucas. You miss the sexy Brooke Davis that takes you out on late night adventures and that can give you a great lay. You don't miss ME." _

She had seemed completely serious, but how could she not know how he felt? And how would it be possible for him _not_ to miss Brooke? He's been thinking about her everyday since she broke up with him. Her laugh, her smile, her heart.

Honestly, of course he missed her body. Who wouldn't? And he missed touching her and kissing her. But this was because he loved her. She made it sound like he was just using her for sex.  
Before Brooke there hadn't been so many girls and she had of course made an impression. But not the way she thought. Her spontaneity and her complete love of life had been what had attracted him to her in the first place, not her reputation as sex-goddess. He had been too infatuated by Peyton at the time to notice it but Brooke just kept growing on him, until one day when he was just so in love with her that he could hardly breathe.

Stepping into his sneakers he takes one last glance at the phone, telepathically trying to make her call him, but it stays silent and he walks out the door.

* * *

Brooke slows down the run gradually until she reaches the steps of the apartment building and she bends over with hands on her knees trying to regain her normal breathing. Nathan is standing up over by the door and he's laughing at her.

"See Davis, I told you that you could do it! But hey, you look a little tired…"

She's too out of breath to snap back but she shoots him an angry look. Although she's not really angry with him. How ever painful it had been running, the physical workout had been exactly what she needed. To clear her head and to regain control over herself.

She wipes the sweat of her forehead with the back of her hand and follows Nathan inside. He walks straight up to Haley who's standing by the kitchen counter with her back towards them.

"Hey baby…" he says reaching out for something on the table when Haley's voice echoes in the room;

"Step away from the food Nathan Daniel Scott! First shower, then breakfast!"

He mutters something but the smile is evident in his eyes. And kissing Haley as he passes he walks into the bathroom closing the door behind him. Brooke smiles at the scene. Nathan and Haley kind of always made sense. An epic romance. Not at all like the one-sided lovestory she herself is living.

She sits down on one of the high bar-chairs and Haley sits down across from her looking at her worryingly.

"Tigger, are you okay? Nathan called me last night…"

She can feel herself blush. Of course Nathan had called Haley… He wouldn't have stayed out all night without letting his wife know where he was. And of course he had told Haley what shape she had been in.

"I'm hung-over… But I'll be alright. I just got drunk and emotional last night, it was no big deal…"

"Don't lie Brooke. It's me, remember? You used to tell me stuff, you know. And I know you're still hurting over Lucas."

"It's okay. I'll be fine, I promise."

She's not fine. She hasn't been fine in weeks. But it's too hard to talk about, and Haley is to close to Lucas to ever understand. To her Lucas is this great guy who could never do anything wrong and Brooke is starting to disagree. She used to think that to, that he was the love of her life and that he was the one who would keep her safe. But the way he constantly keeps coming back to her for sex but never for love has painfully shown her that she's been wrong.

Haley looks at her and it's obvious that she doesn't believe her for a second. Even so Brooke holds her breath and pushes back the tears that threaten to fall. And then once again she fakes a smile.

* * *

Nathan dries himself off after a long shower and slips into shorts and a t-shirt. Stepping out into the kitchen he finds the girls talking about some movie that's just premiered and they are both smiling. But the air in the room is a little tense and the smiles are a little too big to seem genuine. They both look up towards him and he slumps down on the chair next to Brooke's.

"That was a great shower!" he says breaking the silence that has formed. "Brooke, do you want to get cleaned up before eating? I bet Haley has some clothes that you can change into."

Brooke gets up. "I think I'll do that. I'll just grab something in your closet, okay Tudor-girl?"

As she passes him on her way to the bathroom Brooke touches his shoulder. She doesn't say anything but the simple touch and the look she's giving him says enough. Thank you's have never been an easy thing coming between the both of them. He smiles and looks back at her with eyes saying 'No problem'. Then he hears the sound of the bathroom door closing and he turns to his wife.

"Brooke's a mess…"

Haley comes over and hugs him. "Yeah. She tries very hard not to show it though… But I'm glad you were with her last night. What happened? She doesn't want to tell me."

He can see that Haley is a little hurt over this and he doesn't want her to be. But she has just known Brooke for a little over a year. And even though they gotten really close the last six months she doesn't know that much about Brooke's past.

"Haley, just give her some time" he says and kisses his wife's forehead trying to make her worries go away. "I know Brooke happily shares every little gory detail with you about her shopping-spree's and her lovelife… but she's never given out emotional info easy. That's just the way she works. She always has."

"But she talks to you. Her heart is braking over Lucas and all of a sudden she confides in you… Why?"

He sighs. "We used to be really good friends when we were younger… I don't know, I guess last night I just happened to be there and she had to turn to me."

There's a knock on the door and he raises an eyebrow towards Haley but she just shrugs. So he walks over and opens it, seeing his brother on the doorstep.

"Oh, it's you…" he says and the tone of his voice makes it evident that his not happy.

---------

Nathans comment throws Lucas off a bit. He and his brother have had some differences in the past but the last year and a half they've built up a real brotherly bond. Nathans voice this morning reminds him more of how they used to be to each other when they were enemies. And Nathan doesn't step aside or hold up the door. Actually he doesn't seem to want to let him in all.

"What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to come by and see you and Hales. It's been a while since I visited. Is it a bad time?"

Lucas can hear Haley calling 'Hi Luke' from inside but Nathan has the same look on his face as he'd had last night. Obviously his still angry, Lucas thinks. So he decides to be blunt. "What's your problem Nathan?! What are you so tweaked about?"

Sighing, his brother says; "Look, maybe you're a little slow but I told you last night. I don't want you hurting Brooke anymore than you've already have. Just go home. I'll talk to you later."

His younger brother keeps looking over his shoulder back into the living room and he suddenly realizes.

"Why? Is she here?"

He tries to look past Nathan into the apartment but Nathan steps out on the doorstep and closes the door behind him.

"She's here but you're not going to see her. Why don't you just stick with Peyton? You seem to get along fine with her. Leave Brooke alone and let her move on man! You seriously don't deserve her."

Confused he wants to defend him self but he can't find the words to do it. He doesn't even understand why Nathan is flipping out. His brother and Brooke are not even that close and he hasn't seen him defend her like this before. Truthfully, Nathan and Brooke usually just bickered.

"Since when is the relationship between me and any girl your business?" He's starting to feel angry. Nathan can at least tell him what the hell he had done to piss him off. "You've never cared about Brooke before. Why start now?"

"I've known Brooke for a long time Lucas. Long before you got your ass off the River court and became one of the 'popular kids' so don't try and tell me if I care about her or how much. And I've been thinking… Both she and Peyton were fine before you came along. They were like Siamese twins for over ten years for god's sake, and they took care of each other! Then you started toying with both their hearts and now they're not even talking. I just can't figure out why the both of them haven't just told you to fuck off!" Nathan laughs coldly. "Ha! But then again, they did, didn't they? Last spring. You moved to Charlotte and they found their way back to each other. Until you came back and pulled that 'I'm the guy for you Brooke Davis-crap'…"

Lucas just stands there with his mouth open for a couple of seconds. "Nathan, come on! I never _meant_ to hurt any of them!"

And it's the truth. He has never done anything to purposely hurt either Peyton or Brooke. Especially Brooke. And it's not just his fault that the two girls avoided each other like the plague. They all had their blame in that.

"Whatever Luke. Just save the bullshit. You know that you keep stringing them both along. Haley tries to convince me that you love Brooke but to me it's kind of obvious that you've picked Peyton. You've been wanting to be with her since she and I were dating, and now you can, so just stick to your choice!"

"Fuck you Nate! Don't lecture me, alright!"

"I'm not! I'm just calling your bluff as I see it!"

"What bluff? I LOVE Brooke!!"

They're both yelling now and a few doors away one of the neighbors peek out through the window curious to see what's going on. But then Haley swings open the door and snaps;

"Get you're asses in here! You're behaving like little boys and I'm not having it! You're going to sit down and talk about this like grown-ups either you want to or not, you hear me?!"

Too shocked to disagree they follow her inside and they're left standing in the middle of the living room staring angrily at one another. Lucas opens his mouth and starts to yell all over again;

"And don't talk to me about Peyton! I care more for her then you ever did!"

Nathan is just about to answer when they hear a voice from across the room;

"What the hell is going on out here?"

Lucas looks over to the sound and stops breathing. Brooke is standing in the doorway to the bathroom. Wearing only a towel. And she looks at him like he has just stabbed her right in the heart.

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**Thanks for reading it. i'd be really grateful if you'd review /Lynn**


	5. Smile like you mean it

**Authors note: **I love the reviews! And i would love to give you all personal responses right here, but then i'd never get this chapter up (and i have to, because otherwise people will kill me for not going back to concentrating on Girl Behind The Red Door LOL).  
This chapter is mostly about the diffrent friendships but there will be more Brucas-interaction in the next one. Promise.  
Please tell me what you think.

/Lynn

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**- **

**CHAPTER 5 – Smile like you mean it**

It is weird, Lucas thinks. He doesn't know anyone who can look as cold as Brooke Davis. And he doesn't know anyone who can look as hurt or as heartbroken either. Actually, the faces she has are almost uncountable. All the way from that amazing smile with those huge dimples to that look that could probably kill. All the little variations, like the raised eyebrow or the little smirk or the wide eyes she gets when she's nervous or surprised. And the squint she does with her beautiful green eyes when she gets annoyed…

But the way she looks at him now is by far the worst. Because standing there in the bathroom door she gives him the look of someone who's just given up.

"Brooke…"

He knows what she must be thinking. But she had just heard the last part of the conversation. He has to explain to her that he was talking about the friendship he and Peyton shares, nothing else. And he needs to talk to her about yesterday too. Because he feels that there was so much more he should have said at the bench by the rosebushes.

He takes a step towards her but Nathan grabs his arm and holds him as she turns and disappears back into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. He rips himself free of Nathan's grip but this time Haley, _his Haley_, blocks the way. And she shakes her head at him.

"Luke… Nathan is right. Just don't… You'll only make it worse." She grabs her jacket that's hanging over a chair by the door and says "Come on; let's go for a walk… I need to talk to you."

Unwillingly he follows her but not without glancing at the closed door one more time. He gets that Haley doesn't want him and Nathan to keep fighting, and he knows that she's protecting Brooke, but still he has this strange feeling that he's slowly being pushed out of all of their lives.

--------------

Brooke sits on the bathroom floor leaning her head against the cold bathtub. The knock on the door is soft and she closes her eyes and tries to block out the sound. Minutes ago she'd heard the entrance door close and she figures that it isn't Lucas standing on the other side. But it doesn't matter, she just wants to be alone. The tears keep streaming down her cheeks and she swallows hard.  
This was finally it. Lucas has admitted his feelings and made his choice and even though it's been evident for quite some time where his heart's been, it just hurts so badly.

"_I didn't mean to hurt you Brooke…"  
"It doesn't really matter Lucas… 'cause in the end it all hurts the same…"  
_  
But it doesn't hurt the same though. The end hurts even more.  
The knocking gets louder and she can hear a voice saying; "Open the door Brooke… Otherwise I have to get the key…"

It's Nathan. Haley is probably standing next to him, both of them being all worried about her. Reluctantly she wipes most of the tears of her face and secures the towel around her body.

"Brooke! _Open_ the door!"

"Just a second…"

She takes a couple of deep breaths and one glance in the mirror tells her that she's not going to be able to lie about how much Lucas' words has hurt her. But she hears the tone in Nathans voice. Knowing him she is very aware that he'll kick in the door if she doesn't open it soon. So she gets up and does, and he looks at her for a while before stepping into her makeshift safe haven of the clinkered bathroom. She waits for Haley to come in after him but she doesn't.

"Where's Haley?"

Her voice cracks into a sob and she wants to make herself disappear in thin air. They all have to be so tired of her by now. Of her moping, crying and recent coldness. But she wants Tudorwife. She wants Hales. She misses her friend and needs her to talk her through this. Haley is always so level-headed, something Brooke never is, and she regrets that she didn't talk to Haley earlier when she had the chance. But she not used to being weak in front of her, at least not like this.

"She took Lucas out of here" Nathan says softly, "She'll be back to comfort you soon."

He wraps his big arms around her and holds her. And in contrast to last night she's now sober and aware of the softness in the hug, the big-brotherly love of his that had been so evident when they were younger. And silently she wonders why they ever drifted apart.

"Don't hug me Nate…" she breathes "if you do I'm gonna start bawling again…"

"Go ahead Davis. Cry all you want. It just makes you human. And I'm not letting go of you until Haley comes back to take over…"

------------------

Haley watches Lucas kick little stones and gravel around him as they walk down Main street. The silence between them is tense, and she knows he's feeling hurt about the fact that she had so clearly taken Nathans and Brookes side over his.

She and Lucas have been best friends for as long as she can remember. She can easily picture him as the little blond boy next to her when she was skipping home from kindergarten. Or the way he had carried his basketball under one arm and her books under the other when they started school. Lucas has been her knight in shining armor for so many years and they have gone through so much together. When she was younger she had even thought that they would end up married one day, and maybe that's what's making it so hard for her to admit to herself that he no longer is the Lucas she used to know. She still loves him as a friend and she owes him for a lot of things. But truthfully he's changed.

"What happened to you Luke?" she says.

"What do you mean?"

She stops and looks him straight into those blue eyes. The wind shuffles through his hair and he squints in that typical Lucas' kind of way. At least he looks the same.

"You used to have this great heart. You used to be the one standing up for the weaker guy… You were always straight-forward with stuff, and honest. You always used to be honest."

"I'm still honest!"

"No, you're not! And sometimes I feel like I don't even know you anymore Luke…"

She looks away but she can still see him pulling his hand through his hair as he always does when feeling pressured or insecure.

"You're my best friend Hales… Don't say that. Not even my mom knows me better than you. I miss you and life was much simpler when it was just you and me…"

The laugh that comes out of her mouth is dry. She remembers the exact day when both their lives started to change. It was the day Lucas joined the Tree Hill Ravens and made that winning score in his first game. Brooke had told her once about hiding in Lucas' car that night half naked, and she had also told her what she had asked Lucas;

"_How many moments in life can you point to and say 'that's when it all changed'?"_

According to Brooke Lucas had asked _"What changed?"_ and Brooke answered; _"Everything." _Brooke obviously had no idea of how right she would be.

"Okay…" she says and takes a step towards him. "If you still are the honest guy I know, then truthfully, why do you keep on hurting Brooke? Huh?"

"God, Haley!! Tell me I'm not hearing this. You KNOW that me kissing Peyton that day in the library didn't mean anything!"

"I didn't say it did. I asked you about Brooke. NOT Peyton. I mean, I get the whole bleeding to death-scenario, so Peyton kind of gets a free pass, but you weren't bleeding to death, right? And with the history you and Brooke have, you should have known that keeping it from her would just dig you a deeper hole."

She sighs and listens to the sound of the seagulls for a moment before continuing;

"But you have changed. You suddenly think that sneaking around with Peyton is okay again, and may I remind you, she's still the same Peyton that you cheated on Brooke with before. The weirdest thing is that you seem to think that you have the right and that Brooke's being unreasonable. Like as if the sun rises and sets on YOUR ass. But hey, guess what… it doesn't!"

Her voice is sarcastic and he starts to look angry now. "It doesn't rise and set on Brooke's ass either, so why the hell are you notoriously taking her side? She comes crying and suddenly you don't care about _our_ friendship. I mean, you haven't really been around lately to hear my side of the story!"

My god, she thinks, when did Lucas Scott, her Lucas, become such a complete idiot?  
She shakes her head at him, not knowing what to say since he's not hearing her anyway. And she thinks back to the night of the ToyBoy Auction their junior year. She had been angry at Lucas for holding her to a higher standard then everybody else, expecting her to be flawless. But that had just been how he was, and back then she knew that deep down he meant well.  
Now all of a sudden he seems to have turned the whole double-standard back on himself, thinking that he was the flawless one. The one who could do no wrong.

Sighing, she says "Get over yourself!" and starts to walk away from him. But then she stops and turns. "Oh, and that thing sticking out of your mouth, that would be your foot!"

-----------------

Nathan stands there holding Brooke until he finally feels her start sobbing against his chest. He rubs her bare back and hums, "Let it out B… it's gonna be okay…"  
He knows this kind of crying. The tense sobs come first, the ones he knows she's trying to hold back. Then the tears start flowing, wetting through his t-shirt, and he holds her even closer.

Before last night there had been a long time since he listened to Brooke cry like this. He counts down the seconds until her crying will get uncontrollable and tries to remember when the last time had been. It hadn't been over a boy, he thinks. Brooke didn't used to cry over boys. At least not before Lucas.  
As long as he can remember boys had been commodities to Brooke and she would never let them get close enough to hurt her. She played with them, sure, and she'd let them swarm around her for a while, but then she usually dropped them.

No, Brooke crying like this usually had to do with her parents.

In his head he counts; five, four, three, two… And reaching one, he feels the tensing of her shoulders go away and she leans her whole body-weight on him while crying her heart out. Brooke used to cry this way when she had let her guard down and had let someone she loved fool her. When she felt dumb. And he remembers.

"_Brooke, let's go down to the burning boat" he said and grabbed his sweater from couch. But Brooke shakes her head._

"_I can't. Daddy's picking me up in half an hour. I'm flying with him and mom to Paris over the weekend._

_She smiles happily and he knows how much this means to her._

"_Um, that's great Brooke! I know how much you've missed them"._

"_Yeah, I really have. Daddy says that we'll make up for them being away most of the summer. It's gonna be great!"_

_She giddily jumps up from the sofa and he shrugs smiling. "Okay, I'm gonna get going. But call me and tell me about it when you get back."_

_She promises to do so and he walks out the house and on down to the beach to meet their friends._

_Hours later he walks the same way back to his own house and that's when he sees the little brunette girl sitting on her front porch next to her oversized luggage. He looks at his watch. 12 pm. Why was she still sitting there?_

"_Brooke!" he calls out and she looks up. "Why haven't you left yet?"_

_He walks up to her and she just stares into the distance. He's only fourteen but he's still able to feel the loneliness that surrounds her._

"_They never came?" he asks and sits down beside her. She shakes her head and leans her head on his shoulder so he puts his arm around her. She lets out a tense sob and silently he counts down in his head. Ten, nine, eight…_

_As she starts to cry he realizes how much he hates when people hurt Brooke._

He remembers. It's been four years since she cried like this with him. And he still hates when people hurt her. Even more so in this moment.In some way he understands that Lucas isn't solely responsible for putting Brooke in this state, because Lucas has no idea how scared Brooke is of the things surrounding the word love. Lucas doesn't really know to what extant that Brooke actually guards her heart. But what pisses Nathan off so much is that Lucas didn't bother to know it either.  
After spending months of talking about how much he loved Brooke, Lucas still didn't see the girl that had been his girlfriend, he didn't _know_ her. And Nathan finds this strange. To him it is easy to see that Brooke has been feeling bad for a long time.

_--------------_

Haley walks back into the apartment and she hears the crying long before even entering the bathroom. She sees Nathan holding Brooke and his eyes tell her to get over there. So she does. And she peals Brooke off of her tired husband and takes over.At first she afraid that Brooke will shut her out but she doesn't. She just clings on to Haley and continues crying. Nathan kisses both their heads, and over Brookes shoulder Haley can see him go over to the desk in the livingroom and grab his car-keys. Seconds later he's out the door. And Haley is pretty sure that she knows where her husband is going.

A while later Brooke slowly starts to calm down. And after giving the brunette some sweats to wear Haley goes back into the kitchen to make some fresh coffee. Their breakfast is still on the table, untouched.  
Brooke walks in and sits down with a tired smile and Haley smiles back and strokes her over the hair.

"Are you okay?"

Brooke sits down and answers; "Yeah, I'm okay…" and Haley sighs softly.

"No you're not Tigger. Lucas is an asshole but I assure you, he's not in love with Peyton. He loves you."

"This is not about Luke…" Brooke keeps maintaining the half-smile but looks down into the kitchen table. "You know I told you I had this thing with Nick… or uhm… I mean mr Chavez. Well he kind of cheated on me the other night, with one of MY catwalk models… so…"

Haley watches her and shakes her head. Yeah, she knows about Brooke screwing their English teacher. And she feels bad that he had been an asshole to her too, on top of the whole heartbreak with Lucas. But she has never heard Brooke cry like before in the bathroom and she knows that a week-long fling would never be the reason for that.

"If you want to lie to me Brooke, then you should at least try to smile like you mean it…" she says. "I'm not stupid you know, and I'm hurt that you think I know you so badly."

Brooke's smile fades.

"Okay, the truth? I'm breaking inside Hales… and I don't know how to make it better."

* * *

plz review. thanks 


	6. Ordinary Morning

**Authors note: **Sorry that it's been a while since I updated this story. This is kind of a short chapter but it's mostly just a step towards the next chapter which will be longer and more drama-filled. I hope you like it anyway. The song and chapter-title is from Sheryl Crow.

------------------

* * *

**CHAPTER 6 – Ordinary Morning**

_It's just an ordinary morning  
It's just an ordinary day  
And I'm just an ordinary woman  
Slipping away  
_

"I'm getting more and more tired of this fishbowl-existence…" Brooke thinks walking down the school-corridor on Monday morning. People are still looking at her in a somewhat strange way, _even_ more so after the party, and it just pisses her off. Why couldn't everybody just mind their own business? But even though she still feels a little detached she does her best to behave normally. And for once school proves to be a good distraction. The first two hours pass quickly and she finds herself actually listening to what the teachers are saying, but when she's getting her books for third period she unconsciously drags her feet. Third period means English.

She opens the locker and throws in the algebra-notes before grabbing the things she needs for today's biggest ordeal. English means not only having to face Lucas, but also Nick. She hasn't seen Lucas since she found him in Nathan and Haley's living room the day before last, and she's been able to avoid Nick for almost a week. But today she can't put English off any longer (not without failing it) and since Rachel is cutting school today because of a really bad hang-over and Haley's not in her English-group, she has to do it alone.

The bell rings for the final time and she sighs and slams the locker-door shut. Then she hurriedly walks off to the classroom. They've already started in there and she mentally hits herself over the head for not being on time. Now she has to walk in there with everyone looking at her and she won't be able to choose her place to sit. Hopefully there's a free seat somewhere far away from Lucas, she thinks. But as she silently pushes the door open she can see that there is no such luck. The opposite actually. The only seat left in the entire classroom is beside _him_ and of course it's up front, just in front of the teacher's desk. Nick looks up as she walks over to sit down and he smirks.

"Oh look, Miss Davis finally decides to grace us with her presence…"

She doesn't bother to throw him a fake smile, she doesn't even bother to look at him. Instead she just hisses; "Fuck off!" before sitting down next to her ex-boyfriend. Nick looks like he's going to make some kind of come-back but then in the last moment he probably changes his mind because he stays silent, just as he had when she slapped him last week. Nick is a coward, she thinks as she watches him return to text they're discussing. He's always been a coward.

"_Well I don't know who I hate more Mr. Chavez… You for being a lying bastard, or me for believing your crap and betraying my friend…"_

It's not a hard question to answer anymore. She hates herself more of course. She hates herself for being a stupid and naïve little bimbo, continuously falling for the crap that guys handed her. What had happened to the Brooke she had used to be? When had she been stupid enough to start trusting people with her feelings? Life had been so much better when the only boy she had trusted was Nathan… But then again, that had proven to be a bad choice as well. Nathan had broken her heart too, although in another way. If he hadn't, they would never have slipped as far away from each other as they had the last two years. This weekend he had almost been back to being her Nathan and it had felt good.

She flips open her book and tries to concentrate but she can feel a pair of blue eyes looking at her from her right. She looks up at Lucas, ready to meet his gaze with a cold stare, but the sight that meets her makes her mouth fall open. Lucas has a swollen black eye and a big purple bruise covers the right side of his jaw. She takes a deep breathe before looking down into her desk again. Nick asks the class something, something about Edgar Allen Poe's most resent work, but she doesn't listen. She thinks about Saturday night. About Nathan.

_She's been sitting in the kitchen talking to Haley for hours. It was hard at first but now it's actually kind of nice. To share and get a little bit of the heavy load off her chest. Then the door suddenly opens and Nathan walks in. He's trying to look normal but Brooke can see that he's angry. The otherwise so blue eyes are almost black and his fists are tightly balled._

"_Nathan…" Haley says with a somewhat worried voice. She probably sees the change in his eyes as well; she is his wife after all._

_Brooke knows this look. It's the 'Dan-look'. He used to have these dark eyes every time he and Dan had an argument and it usually resolved itself if you only left him in peace to calm down. But things changes, she thinks as Haley gets up and hugs him. With Haley's arms around him his eyes quickly softens and he kisses his wife before turning to look at Brooke intently._

"_Better Davis?" he asks and she nods, wondering what had made him so angry._

"_Good." He lets go of Haley and walks over to the phone. "I'm calling for pizza. Does anybody else want some?"_

_Both Brooke and Haley says yes but Brooke knows that Nathan is just pretending to be calm. His hand holding the phone is a little shaky._

"_Where were you?" she asks after he has hung up with the pizza-place and he shrugs in his typical Nathan-way._

"_I went to talk to Lucas for a bit…"_

_Brooke frowns. "Did you have a fight?"_

_But Nathan shakes his head. "No, I just told him a thing or two that I've wanted to tell him for a while now. I think that he finally sees my point…"_

Brooke steals short glances of Lucas in the corner of her eye. So this was the talk Nathan had with his brother… She should have known by the look on Nathans face when he came back.  
A sting of bad conscience hits her straight in the gut when Lucas looks at her again and she has to restrain herself from touching his bruised cheek. But she stops herself in time. Instead she turns around and looks for Nathan. He's sitting in the back of the classroom, his head bent over his books. She really has to have a talk with him. As soon as possible. But not here, not in school. People are gossiping enough already.

_The walls have been talking  
About me again  
I'm good for a joke, but when I awoke  
The dream didn't end  
Now every time I turn around  
I'm always thinking; is anybody out there?  
And the wounded birds still sing  
_  
-----------------

Lucas pretends to listen to the teacher but he isn't really. With Brooke just sitting herself down next to him he couldn't concentrate even if he tried. And the subject doesn't interest him as much as it used to anyway. The new teacher, Mr. Chavez, really sucks and there's something in the way in which he looks at Brooke that annoys Lucas.

Even so, he's a bit taken back when he hears Brooke hiss "Fuck off" and even more when there's no reprimand. Brooke usually got away with more then everybody else but this was just a bit too much to seem normal.

Then Brooke looks at him for the first time and he sees her flinch at the sight of his face. He wonders why. She must have known about his little encounter with his brother seeing that she and Nathan are so close all of a sudden. But she looks really shocked before looking away. He sees her scan the room in search for something and he whispers;

"Brooke…"

Hesitantly she meets his eyes.

"…I need to talk to you… about Saturday…"

Mr. Chavez clears his throat loudly and looks at them firmly. But his angry eyes doesn't turn to Lucas, instead the cold look is directed towards Brooke who still hasn't said a word.

"Miss Davis. You seem to have a real problem with following the class rules today. Maybe you would like to go and spend the rest of this period out in the corridor?"

"But she didn't say anything. _I_ talked to _her_…"

Brooke stands up and after spending only five minutes in the classroom at most, she gathers her stuff and leaves without giving the teacher a second of her attention. If it didn't sound so strange Lucas would say that it looked like she ignored the teacher in the same way she ignored himself.

"Hey Davis…"

Nathan calls after Brooke from the back of the classroom but she just walks out and slams the door behind her. And in some weird way Lucas feels good about it. After the "talk" he and Nathan had the other day he really wants Brooke to be angry at his brother as well. If she was then his guilty conscience would feel a lot better.

"_Lucas! Hey Dumbass, I'm talking to you!"_

_Nathan catches up with him down at the River Court and he starts screaming at him as soon as he gets out of his car. Lucas sighs. The discussion with Haley has been enough and he doesn't need this._

"_What the fuck is your problem Nathan!?"_

"_I wanna talk to you about Brooke and I need you to listen." Nathan walks over to him, eyes dark with anger, and Lucas feels his own shoulders tense in defense._

"_What about Brooke?"_

"_You seem to have a hard time understanding her so I've decided to explain some things to you. Brooke is not your ordinary type of girl. You can't toy with her in the same way you toy with others like say Peyton or Anna…" His arms are crossed over his chest and he stops a few feet away from Lucas. "Brooke's heart can't handle that and neither can her confidence."_

_Lucas laughs coldly. "Her confidence? Since when in the Hell has there ever been anything wrong with Brooke's confidence? Rather the opposite, right?"_

"_I'm serious Luke. You can keep being an asshole if you want, to but if you're telling the truth about caring for her then you have to know some things…"_

"_I've been seeing her on and off for over a year and you haven't said anything before. What can be so important, other than you wanting to shove splinters in between us?"_

_He's feeling angrier by the minute. Nathan has no right to act as if he knew Brooke better than himself. Brooke was his, and Nathan should just mind his own business. Wasn't it enough that he had turned Haley away from him? And mostly, he didn't deserve all this bullshit. Brooke left him, not the other way around._

"_Fuck this Nathan!" he says before Nathan can answer. He's too angry to do this. "Brooke's not worth this and by the look of her behavior last night, she's moving on… She seems to be going back to being her old self. And I'm not interested in being with a slutty cheerleader with an alcohol-problem…"_

_The fist that hits him in the face comes out of nowhere and the punch is hard enough to send him to the ground. Lying on his back in the gravel he can see Nathans face twisted in anger. He touches his lip when he feels the metallic taste in his mouth and when looking at his fingers he sees blood. As he gets up rage is fogging his mind. He just wants to piss Nathan off even more._

"_Are you screwing Brooke? Is that what this is about? Haley wasn't enough?"_

_The next punch hits him in the eye and this time he doesn't try to get back up. Somewhere in the back of his head he knows he's gone too far._

Nathan had just left after that and Lucas still wonders what it was that his brother wanted to tell him about Brooke. But Nathan had picked the worst time to try and talk to him. He was already so angry and confused after the encounter with him and Brooke at the apartment and then the talk with Haley. He just hadn't been able to think straight. And he had said so many things he didn't mean.

He turns and his eyes meet Nathans. For a couple of seconds they watch each other. Then Nathan sighs and gets up to follow Brooke. And Lucas instantly knows that he should have been the one to do that. But as usual he catches up with the situation to late and he leans back in the chair and watches Nathan go in frustration.

"Damn it!" he mutters. "I'm such an idiot…"

----------------

Brooke rushes down the corridor and out on the parking lot. She doesn't even stop at her locker to get her bag. She has her car-keys in her pocket and she just needs to get out of campus quickly. The building, the people and the whole situation is smothering her.

She reaches her car and unlocks the front-door when she hears Nathan calling her name. She looks back over her shoulder and sees him coming out of the entrance so she stops and waits unwillingly.

"Brooke… Where are you going?"

She shakes her head at him tiredly. "I just need to get out of here. Go back to class… I'll be fine."

But when she gets into her car he holds on to the door, making it impossible for her to drive off.

"I should have told you that I beat up Lucas…" he says looking at her. "But it was between me and him… I didn't have anything to do with you B."

She holds his gaze and she knows that he's lying. "I'm not angry with you. I just want to go home. Let go of the door Nathan…"

Hesitantly he does as he's told and she waves at him before driving out into the street. She isn't angry with him. Or with Lucas or Peyton or Nick. She's just tired of things being so complicated. There is this big hole in her chest and it hurts more every time she has to be around any of them. Because they all remind her of the person she used to be and the person she has become. She lets the radio stay turned off and instead she picks up her cell phone and dials 5 on speed-dial. Rachel answers on the third signal.

"I'll be home in ten minutes. Start getting ready, we're going to the Blue Post…"

Rachel yawns. "Brooke, it's 11:45. The bar's not even open until twelve."

"Good, that gives us fifteen minutes to put on a sleazy out-fit. I want to get wasted."

_It's just an ordinary morning  
It's just an ordinary day  
And I'm just an ordinary woman  
Slipping away_

---------------

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Please leave reviews, good or bad. It's so great to hear what you think.

/Lynn


	7. Boulevard of broken dreams

**Authors note:** As always; I'm sooo grateful for your reviews. And I'm glad that I'm not receiving hate-mail for making Lucas a little bit of an asshole. LOL  
Brooke05: I agree with you. And since Lucas actually knows what it feels like when someone you love is with someone else (brooke and chris) he might want to think of what he's doing…  
Typokween and line: Yeah, lets hope he does… lol  
Prettygirl33: They will. On both your requests… ;)  
Brucas2006 and babes: Thanks! I'm glad you like Nathan  
Wishinonastar: You know I love those long reviews. Lol. I promise to not make you so angry at Luke that it destroys your Brucas-mode. And in the next chapter I think I will make you happy by actually following your advice.

Thanks again you guys. The title is a song by Green Day. Now, along with story!

* * *

**CHAPTER 7 – Boulevard of broken dreams **

_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
Til then I walk alone_

"It feels like my life right now is spent in a huge waiting-room" Brooke thinks as she pulls her dark Chip & Pepper-jeans over her hips. "Everything I do is just waiting… it's what I've always done." She's been waiting for her parents to notice her her entire life, waiting for them to start caring. Waiting for Lucas to make up his mind and then wait for him to change it again. Wait to get screwed over by her friends or plainly to get screwed. Wait for her heart to break… and to mend. But she's done with waiting now.

She picks out a pair of high healed wedges and glances at herself in the full-length mirror. The tight jeans are fitting her long legs like a second skin and the green top has a cleavage no guy would ever forget. Especially since she's not wearing a bra. But the face looking back at her in the reflection looks tired and while quickly going over her make-up again she thinks that this, going to a bar at a Monday afternoon, is probably one of the more stupid ideas she's had lately. But then she laughs bitterly. No, she can think of one or two things that have been even dumber. Compared to her current rollercoaster-ride of a life, then the thought of drinking a huge amount of vodka this early seems almost genius.

"Fuck Lucas", she thinks. "And fuck Nick and all the other guys who just keeps toying with my emotions". She wasn't going to take shit from them anymore. Not at all.

"Hurry up Rachel!" she yells to her room-mate who's still in the bathroom. She want's to get going, need to get going. Waiting suddenly drives her insane.

----------------------

Nathan is waiting in line to get some food from the cafeteria. Lunch-hour is later than usual on Mondays and he's usually starving, but today he's not really feeling it. Haley comes up beside him and he unconsciously wraps his arm around her waist but he doesn't say anything. He's preoccupied with worrying for Brooke and he wonders if she really just went home as she had said she would. Knowing the girl and remembering the speed she drove off with, she might as well have gone off and done something stupid. It wouldn't be the first time…

His trail of thoughts is interrupted by a gasp from his wife and looking down at her he sees her watching his brother sitting a few tables away.

"Oh my god… what happened to Luke?" she says and looks up at him with worried eyes, making him feel guilty. He clears his throat.

"Uhm… _I_ kind of happened to him…"

Haley looks confused. "What do you mean?"

"I kind of punched him in the face Saturday afternoon when I went to talk to him… I knew that you'd be pissed if I told you so I kind of left that part out…"

She gives him a firm look, shaking her head as if to say 'that was stupid of you' and 'you should have told me', but she doesn't shrug off his arm and he hopes that it means that she understands.

"He's okay though. I didn't hit him so hard. It probably looks worse than it is…"

Haley sighs. "I was really angry with him as well so I guess I can't blame you… but you should know better Nathan… Has Brooke seen him?"

"Yeah…" He nods and gets interrupted by the girl behind the counter, asking him what he wants to eat. He grabs some lunch for himself and Haley and pays before turning back to his wife. She's busy dialing a number on her phone.

"I'm calling Brooke" she says. "I couldn't find her after English and she wasn't at Spanish. I'm just gonna let her know where we are if she want's to have lunch with us. I'm guessing she doesn't want to sit with Lucas and Peyton."

While Haley's waiting for Brooke to answer, which he's guessing she wont, he looks over at Lucas again and sees that Peyton has joined him. Seeing the way Peyton is smiling around his brother Nathan is starting to think that maybe it was good that Brooke left.

"Let's go sit" he says and nudges Haley to move. "Brooke isn't in school, she went home. Her morning kind of sucked…"

----------------------

Lucas watches Nathan and Haley talking vividly about something over at the cafeteria line. He's waiting for lunch to be over. Or actually he's waiting for the entire schoolday to be over so that he can get to practice, figuring that a two hour workout is the best way to clear his mind. His life just seemed to get more complicated by the minute and nothing really made sense anymore. He is still angry with Nathan and he's still has all this mixed emotions about Brooke. Even though he knows it's stupid, he's feeling sorry for himself, and it's so much easier to be mad at her for being so stubborn and acting so strangely than to think about the fact that it was his own fault that they had broken up. And lately she had made it pretty easy for him to dislike her. If he didn't count their little talk at the party the other night, she had either ignored him or behaved like a complete bitch every time he tried to talk to her.

Like when she kissed Peyton's 'brother' in front of him, or when she snapped at him for wanting to switch his juice for her chips. Or the way she had been all over Gabe at the party. Or…

"_This kind of feels like déjà vu…"_

"_Not really… You told me to fight for you and I did. But you never fought for me…"_

"_And I'm not going to."_

Her facial expression when saying those last words had been almost patronizing.  
And then of course the way she acted towards Peyton… Peyton didn't deserve having Brooke treat her that way.

But he can't seem to get over how she had looked at him the day before last, standing in the doorway to Nathan and Haley's bathroom. How extremely hurt she had seemed.

Truthfully he doesn't know why he's angry at Brooke. Today in English-class he'd had that same feeling as he had at Friday's game. The feeling like there was something missing in her eyes. He still loves her. And he still misses her like crazy. But she is making it so hard. And he's getting so tired of all this drama.

He puts down his half-eaten sandwich and turns up the volume on his I-pod to shut out the noise from the surrounding students. What he said to Nathan about not wanting to be with Brooke wasn't really true, but the fact is that she has been acting so different lately that he feels like he doesn't know her anymore. Maybe that's why Nathan makes him so angry. Nathan seems to understand why she is acting this way and he feels like that role belonged to himself.

Then someone playfully hits him over the head and snatches his earplugs out of his ears. He looks up and when seeing Peyton he smiles crookedly, feeling his jaw hurt in the process.

"Hey champ. What happened to your face?" she says and reaches out and touches his temple softly, and he thinks; "Peyton Sawyer is a good friend…" But today she reminds him too much of Brooke, the one person he really doesn't want to think about. The person he can't get out of his head. And Peytons fingers touch the exact spot on his face where Brooke had planted that last kiss. The one she gave him after she told him she was done with their relationship. That she couldn't do it anymore…  
So however good of friend Peyton is, he still pulls away. Her fingers don't make up for the loss of Brooke's lips. They never would.

"I got into a fight with Nate" he says and pulls out a chair for her. "We kind of had a little disagreement…"

Peyton sits down and looks at him curiously. "With Nathan? About what? I thought you two were done fighting after last year…"

"Yeah, me too… But for some reason he has taken it upon himself to act as Brooke's knight in shining armor. I said some stupid comments and he punched me."

"Stupid comments about Brooke?"

He nods and picks up a pickle from her plate. "Yup… And I don't get why he's overreacting. Him and Brooke have never been that close, have they?"

Peyton seems surprised by his last comment. "What do you mean? Brooke was Nathans best friend when they were younger. Taking care of Brooke was like his life mission…"

She laughs a little. "Until it got too much for him to handle. They started drifting apart shortly after we started highschool."

"But I thought that you were Brookes best friend when you guys grew up?"

"Yeah, I was. But Brooke was Nathan's. If you think about it, he's always been a little over-protective when it comes to her. Kind of like you are with Haley."

Were with Haley, he thinks. _Were_.  
He chews the stolen pickle and wonders how he could have missed the fact that Brooke and Nathan were once so close. He had after all been in the same school as them since junior high. But he hadn't been in the same social circles since they both had been popular back then too. And when he pictures it, it's not so strange really. Brooke and Nathan had been kind of the same when he got to know Brooke. Wild, cocky, a little uncontrolled. Kind of how Brooke acted now. Just not as sad.

Had Brooke ever told him about being close to Nathan? Alarmingly he can't remember the last time he actually sat down and listened to her… And wasn't that what she had said? That they went days without having a meaningful discussion?

A little over a week ago he had stood in Peyton's room and bluntly said that he actually felt like him and Brooke were over. Finally. But it wasn't true. Then at Tric he had done it again, just seconds before Peyton came and told him about the rumors of his ex being pregnant.  
At the game last Friday he had just craved Brooke so badly that he thought his heart would break and at the party later that evening he had even told Brooke to her face that he still loved her. But when she asked him for the smallest bit of reassurance he had backed out and then started to talk about his responsibilities towards Peyton. What was wrong in his head? No wonder Brooke behaved strangely. He himself behaved like he was schizophrenic.

"It's like I'm unconsciously pushing her as far away as possible…" he thinks as Peyton keeps chatting beside him. "Like if I want to destroy everything we ever had."

And as they get up to go back to class he thinks; "I'll go by her house tonight… Trying to talk to her one more time can't hurt. Not unless Nathan beats me up again…"

----------------------

Brooke crooks an eyebrow and smirks playfully as if thinking of something amusing. The alcohol is beginning to go to her head and she's savoring that 'kind of sedated' feeling.  
"I could see myself sleep with that bartender" she says and winks sexily towards the dark-haired guy who's just delivered their drinks. "He's actually kind of cute…"

And he is. He looks a little like someone she knows with that broody look, only with different coloring. Brown hair instead of blond. Dark eyes instead that summer-sky blue…

Rachel laughs and sips the cold fluid. "I bet you could! Slut!"

"Whore" she giggles back. If she was a slut then Rachel _had_ to be much worse, right?

"Bitch!"

"Former fat-camp attendant…"

She lifts her glass too, it's her third, and she swirls the pink slushy content around as Rachel throws some peanuts on her for the last remark. She throws some back, hitting Rachel squarely in the face. Suddenly everything almost feels good. She carefully lets herself probe around inside her heart to se if the sharp pain is still there and when she doesn't find more than a little sting she breathes out and smiles. It's working. The alcohol is doing exactly what it should.

"I think we should go out tonight!" she exclaims happily as her face disappears into the huge glass of frozen marguerita.

"Um… Brooke, are you having amnesia? We _are_ in a bar already… even though it's three o'clock in the afternoon"

"I know that!" she says as she comes up for air after finishing off the entire drink in one sweep. Then she smiles her sexy dimpled signature smile. "But Blue Post is nowhere to find hot boys. Let's just call this drinks _before_ the drinks…"

Somewhere in the back of her head a memory tries to squeeze through.

"_Did you think that this was the thing you had to do with me? 'Cause this isn't the thing… this is just drinks before the thing…"_

She pushes the memory back. He is the last thing she wants to think about. "We could go to our older-boy-fantasy-bar… You know, hook up with some cute guys…" she says instead and winks, carefully trying to keep Rachel in a good mood. It hadn't been easy to get Rachel to come with her on this adventure. Being hung-over, the thought of spending the day in a bar probably hadn't sounded all too appealing. But after coaxing for half an hour she had finally gotten the redhead out of bed and into the appropriate attire for this little excursion. And she needs her to stay. She's not so intoxicated that she wants to party by herself.

"…I mean, something's really wrong with the world when two girls as hot as us haven't had sex in a week!" she continuous giggling.

Rachel puts down her glass and smiles too, but not as big as before. "Oh… the Cooper/Nick-bar… But what about Lucas?" she says and gives her a questioning look. Brooke holds her cover together, not letting Rachel see that she just thought about him and their first date in this bar. Suddenly it feels like the Blue Post is kind of shrinking around her and while the whole place suddenly reminds her of him, going to the bar where she met Nick seems like a step in the right direction. So she shrugs playfully and quirks her eyebrow.

"What about him?"

Rachel raises her perfectly plucked eyebrow so that her facial expression mirrors Brooke's, but she's not smiling anymore.

"You know what I'm talking about. It's not always going to feel this bad you know… And I'm sorry that I hooked you up with Nick. Looking back, that was a stupid move… You sure as hell aren't over that broody blond yet. Maybe you should take it easy tonight Brooke? You've already downed three drinks."

Annoyed Brooke looks away and waves at the bartender to get his attention. Rachel has hardly touched the latest drink but her own glass is empty and she needs more.

"I don't need you to be my mother Rachel" she says in a harsh voice.

"Then who's going to be that for you? Your own mom? Seriously girl, I'm just trying to look out for you. Remember on your birthday? You said that I shouldn't try and drown my sorrows in alcohol and boys. That a one-night would only make it feel worse… Maybe you should take your own advice?"

"Whatever!" Brooke spits and gets to her feet. "I have to go to the ladies-room."

She gives herself a couple of seconds to steady herself, realizing the alcohol has already started to take its toll on her balance. And before walking off she says;

"Have a double vodka-shot waiting for me when I get back."

-------------------

It's a little after eight pm. Nathan zaps between the channels and looks over at Haley who's fallen asleep beside him on the couch. She looks like an innocent angel. Her golden hair is forming a halo on the cushions and her dark eyelashes flutter as if she's dreaming. He strokes her cheek gently and marvels over the fact that she is carrying his child.

Most days he still forgets this. He knows he's going to be a father in about six and a half months but life is still a little to normal for him to grasp the reality of it. Who would have thought this last year when his wife took off and went on that tour with the Wrecker's?

Oh well, Brooke had. Brooke had thought that Haley would come back.

He looks over at his phone to check if he has any missed calls but nothing. Brooke still hasn't called. He left a message for her earlier, telling her to get back to him, but she hasn't and he hates having to worry. That was the best thing with the relationship between her and Lucas. As long as she was with him she seemed to value herself more. She acted more responsible, she started to take some pride in her schoolwork again and she partied less. And he always knew where she was at night since she was always in bed with Luke.

He smiles. Brooke and Lucas… what a couple. They could be so great if his stupid brother could just see what he had in front of him and stop fucking everything up all the time. It really hurts Nathan to see how Brooke's been spiraling downwards the last week. And even before that, when was the last time that he had seen her smile for real? The trip to Rachel's cabin? She had been happy that weekend, but after that?

What had worried him most this morning was the way she had been acting with their teacher. Haley said yesterday that Brooke had had some sort of relationship with that Chavez-character but he thought Haley had misread the situation. Up until he saw how Brooke looked at the guy. With such disgust and venom. He really hopes that Brooke hadn't slept with him. Because if she had, then her already confused little mind would feel guilty towards Lucas and that would make this worse. When Brooke felt guilty she drank and that could maybe explain why she had been so unbelievingly drunk last Friday.

He calls her cellphone again and this time she picks up. The music in the background is loud and the sounds of glass clinking and people talking tells him that she's in a bar.

"Hello? Brooke?"

She doesn't say anything into the receiver but he can hear her slurry voice talking somewhere in the distance and he says her name louder making Haley stir beside him.

"Brooke? Are you there? Can you hear me?"

He listens to the loud noises but then the call is cut off. What the hell was she doing? "Damn it Brooke" he whispers to himself while getting up from the couch. "Why can't you just stay home and mope over ice-cream like a normal heartbroken teenage girl?"

He kisses Haley's forehead and grabs his car-keys. And from a drawer in the closet he pulls out the old fake-id Brooke made him years ago. He hasn't used it in ages and normally he would have laughed at the old picture and the stupid name. Harold… How did she come up with all these names? Gretchen, Harold, Henry…

But tonight he doesn't laugh. He just pockets the id in his jeans. And then he heads out to the car. It's time to go to the Blue Post.

------------------------

_Read between the lines _

_what's fucked up and everything's all right  
Check my vital signs and know I'm still alive  
And I walk alone_

_I walk alone_

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**Authors note 2**: If you think that I'm making Lucas all schitzo in this fic, then it's because he is… (and it's all Mark's fault). After watching the episodes of season 4 so far, I've decided that his behavior and decisions are completely erratic and this is the only way I can come around this. But don't worry. I'll fix him soon. lol 


	8. Everybody's changing

**Authors note: **Sorry that it's taken me a while to update this.  
It feels like this story is getting darker and darker… Depressing maybe, but you know what they say; you need to hit rock-bottom before you can climb back up.  
Happier chapters await further along the story-trail, but this is not one of them. :)

This chapter is titled after a Stereophonics' song. And since I haven't said this in a long time: I don't own anything.

Tinycapricorn12, Prettygirl33, Lexi024 & Shedyourmask: Thank you, thank you and thank you!  
Brucas2006 & Whiters: Glad you agree on the Lucas-matter. He really needs to shape up.  
Wishinonastar: As always, your long reviews rock! And as always, you're a little ahead of time my friend… must be those Sherlock-skills again. But most of the things you ask for often comes true so just be patient. lol  
Broody-N-Cheery-4Ever: It wasn't fightclub-material lol, but I just figured that Lucas needed to have his ass kicked.  
pOoLbEeRtAtToOs: I was glad to see that you're still reading this fic. Your reviews mean a lot to me. Plus, they're always so long and I just LOVE that:)

* * *

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**CHAPTER 8 – Everybody's changing**

_You say you wander your own land  
But when I think about it  
I don't see how you can  
_

The bar is starting to fill up with people and Brooke is finishing off what she believes is her seventh drink. She's not sure though, it could be six… or maybe eight. …And she's sure there had been some shots as well in between. Her mind is foggy but that is as it should be, she thinks as she winks at Rachel sitting beside her. Rachel still hasn't really succumbed to her peer-pressure and picked up the speed of her drinking, and Brooke senses that she's not half as drunk as herself. But she doesn't really care anymore…

"We should play some pool… we'd probably get standing ovations…" she coaxes looking over at the tables in the back. She never got Rachel to go with her to another bar but as long as the bartender kept the drinks coming she was satisfied. And the guys in here suddenly didn't look half as bad either.

"Why's that?" Rachel says, slowly sipping red fluid from a martini glass.

"Cause we're going to be the hottest girls in this joint, bending over that table, and don't act like you don't know it. Being modest is not a believable look for you."

Rachel laughs. "Ha ha. Real funny!"

"I know! I'm a first class comedian tonight."

Her head is spinning and she needs to do something to sober up a bit. She starts to get off the chair but Rachel stops her by grabbing her arm. "I don't think that pool is such a good idea though Brookie… I might be a little too drunk for that, and I _know_ that you are, since you just tried to drink from the stirrer instead of the straw…"

Brooke giggles. "Whatever. A minor mistake. It could happen to the best of us…"

The big cocky smile she wears might be a façade but it's nice to have her confident and bitchy self back. All the thoughts she had earlier about this not being a good idea is long gone. She's holding herself together perfectly; all her sadness and frustration tucked away safely in the deepest corners her mind. And now, if Rachel could just become drunk enough to stop behaving like a boring old hag…

A guy at the other side of her leans in towards her. "Hey girl… You look amazing…" he offers and Brooke shoots him a sexy smile. If she couldn't shoot pool she might as well indulge in some flirting.

"Of course I do, stranger."

He steps in a little closer and she can smell his cologne as he leans in towards her.

"Come dance with me…" he whispers close to her ear and she tries to focus. The hot breath against her neck, on that spot right below her ear, makes her heart hurt in a strange way. She laughs and downs the last of her drink to make the feeling disappear.

_  
So little time…_

_Try to understand that I'm  
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game  
I try to stay awake and remember my name  
But everybody's changing  
And I don't feel the same.  
_

The guy isn't too bad to look at and he kind of has a nice ass. She thinks about blowing him off with a bitchy comment just for fun, but it's something in the scent of his cologne that reminds her of Luke. That touches something in the pit of her stomach. Maybe if she had this guy's arms around her then the thoughts of her messed up life would fade even more…

"What the hell…" she mutters and slides of the barstool. She's a bit unsteady on her high heels but he grabs her arm and steadies her. And she smiles up at him before saying "Let's go boy-toy."

She needs this. No messy love-connections, just the easy hook-up without any strings. This is what she should have stuck to from the beginning.

And although she feels Rachel giving her a strange look as she heads off to the dancefloor with the guy's arm around her waist for support, she doesn't care. She loves dancing. She always has. The rest she could face tomorrow.

For a second she looks towards the back of the room, to the hallway where she and Lucas shared their first kiss.

"_What's your take on tattoos?"_

_He looks back at her curiously. "I don't know… it depends."_

"_Come here…"_

_She grabs his hand and she pulls him up against the wall by the backdoor hallway. And as she starts unbuttoning her jeans she can feel his eyes following her every movement._

"_What's do you thinks about this tattoo?" she whispers huskily and shows him the Chinese symbol on the soft skin close to her groin. He leans in closer._

"_That tattoo is… very, very… sexy…"_

"_Right answer…"_

_She tilts her head upwards a little and he leans in. As their lips crash together she almost loses her breath._

Brooke shakes her head quickly to rid of the memory. Then she winks back at Rachel.

"Don't wait up…"

--------------------------

Men and women of different ages are drinking, dancing and making out all throughout the combined bar and pool-hall. Nathan stops just inside the entrance doors and looks around to scan the cliental. Blue Post was nowhere near a classy joint, but in a strange way he felt at home here. He, Brooke, Peyton and some of their other friends had spent lots of nights here a couple of years ago. And he had picked Brooke up countless more.

It doesn't take long before he sees a familiar redhead over by the bar and he makes it over to the counter where Rachel is sitting. Rachel sees him coming and gives him a look saying 'what are you doing here?'.

"Where's Brooke?" he says tiredly without even saying hello first and Rachel nods over towards the middle of the dancefloor. Or actually, calling it a dancefloor would be pushing it, he thinks. Truthfully it's more of a space free from tables where people could make out in public.

He sees Brooke instantly and sighs. It's not the sight of her all over some guy that makes him frustrated, it's the level of her intoxication. Again. He wouldn't care if she made out with the entire bar if she was sober, or of course he would, but mostly he hates when she does this while drunk. Tomorrow she would wake up next to some guy she didn't remember the name of and she would hate herself. And because of that she would drink again tomorrow…

This was not a new concept in the world of Brooke Davis. It was just a concept that he thought was in the past.

"How drunk is she?" he asks without taking his eyes from Brooke's swaying form.

"Way too drunk, even if you ask me. If that pervert lets go of her she'd probably fall over…"

The guy is older, probably a collage-senior, and Nathan looks back at Rachel. Seeing that she's almost sober he says coldly; "Then why didn't you stop her and just take her home? You're supposed to be her friend, right?"

"I'm not her mother Nathan. She didn't want my advise, she made that perfectly clear earlier. And about me being her friend? I'm still here looking out for her, right?"

With a look as cold as his own she stands up and grabs her purse. "But you seem eager to be her babysitter so I'm heading home. Good luck with getting Brooke to go anywhere…"

Nathan shrugs as she goes. At least someone had been keeping an eye on Brooke. But when he sees Brooke stumble he decides that enough is enough. Maybe Rachel didn't want to butt in, but he will.

"_Why are you being such a bitch tonight Brooke? You should put some ice on it!"_

He remembers the night of the basketball-banquet at his dad's house, just before Brooke and Lucas got together the first time. That night had kind of been the end of a drinking-streak that had lasted since the last year of junior-high for her. And it was the last night that she had needed to be 'taken care of' by him. But angry as he was for the mess Brooke had created between him and Haley, he had just dumped her off at Peyton's house…

They had already drifted apart by then, but if he hadn't been so angry at Lucas at the party, then he would probably have seen that Brooke had resorted to his spare bottle of vodka right about the same time as Peyton kissed Lucas. After all, that had been when the Brooke-Lucas-Peyton love-triangle had started, even if none of them knew it then.

"_Game's getting old Brooke…"_

He can still see the hurt that flashed across her face when he took Haley's side over hers that night. And then, just as he does now, he had felt a little responsible for her drunkenness.

Realistically it wasn't his fault at all. Her parents were to blame for most of her behavior during that time. But being almost a year older than her and having had unlimited access to booze from his dad's liquor-cabinet, he was the one who once introduced Brooke to the foggy land of drunkenness at the tender age of thirteen. A land Brooke had started to love a little too much when life went against her.

He never thought she'd really resort to a life of partying and waking up unable to remember the night before, but back then he'd never imagined that anything would turn out like it had now either. He had never in his wildest dreams imagined Brooke to end up with his brother, and even more so, he would never have pictured Lucas to be the one to break Brooke's heart. Ever since the two got together the first time he'd always thought it would be the other way around. Brooke had always been the skillful heartbreaker.

Brooke being here drunk didn't have to mean that everything would start all over again, but he knows that there is a pretty big chance that it would.

So he walks up to the pair and gently grabs Brooke by the shoulder. She looks up with eyes glazed over and it seems like she doesn't recognize him at first. But then she smiles.

"Nathan! At Blue Post!" she slurs, "That's soo great… We haven't been here together in ages!"

"Yeah…"

She seems happy. A clear contrast to her face in school this morning, but it is alcohol-induced happiness, not the real thing. So he intertwines his fingers with hers and starts to gently pull her away from the guy she's with, but she pulls back.

"Wait… I'm dancing with…" She frowns as she tries to remember the guy's name but she seems to fail.

"What you're doing doesn't really constitute as a dancing, Brooke" he says in a harsh voice, pulling a bit harder, but he immediately regrets his tone when he sees the hurt flash across her face. "I'll explain in the car" he thinks. He's tired and he wants to leave. "Let's go…"

But she's still not budging. Just sways a bit trying to hold her balance and shakes her head no. The smile is gone.

The guy walks off. Being smaller and less well built than himself he probably thinks that it isn't worth the fight, but Brooke refuses to leave the make-shift dancefloor. So Nathan just picks her up and throws her over his shoulder, ignoring her loud protests. The bartender watches them leave but he doesn't interfere and neither does the guy at the door. They both probably recognized them from before and just thought he was Brooke's boyfriend.

Outside he puts the furious girl down and grabs her arms to calm her.

"Hey Brooke, listen! It's a Monday night, you have an English-exam at eight tomorrow morning and you're drunk as hell. Let's just go home!"

"I don't want to Nate!"

She looks at him all stubbornly and he suddenly wants to yell at her. What was she? Five years old?

"Don't do this again! You and alcohol don't go well together B… it makes you… well…"

Her eyes narrow and her eyebrow shoots up to create a cold facial expression that he knows he could never pull of if he was in her drunken state.

"It makes me what Nathan? Slutty? Bitchy? Cheap?"

_You're aching, you're breaking  
And I can see the pain in your eyes  
Says everybody's changing  
And I don't know why._

"I didn't say that Brooke… It's just that…" he lifts his hands helplessly.

"Just what?"

He doesn't know how to explain and when he doesn't answer she sighs and turns away from him, rubbing her hands up and down her chilled arms slowly. And as he gently turns her back towards him she smiles. It's clearly a fake one but she's a great actress and seeing how almost genuine the smile looks he wonders how many of her smiles that has been fake lately.  
He suddenly feels bad for jumping at her throat this way. She's hurting. Not just for Lucas, he can see that.

"What's the matter Brooke? Has something else happened to you lately that I don't know about? …Is it your parents?"

She doesn't answer. And in a strange way he wishes for her tears more than for this. Her tears he can handle by now, but this coldness is worse. She just closes him out. And he doesn't understand why. The last days he thought she was letting him back in._  
_

"I'm sorry…" he says silently. "I'm sorry that I've just left you hanging for so long. I should have checked in on you more… but I honestly didn't think that you wanted me to."

"I don't" she says calmly, obviously still intoxicated but seemingly strangely sober. "I would love to have our real friendship back Nate… and the weekend was great and all… but I can take care of myself now. I've been doing it for some time now and you don't need to do it for me."

"I can see that Brooke…"

His voice turns out somewhat sarcastic and she lets out an irritated sigh. "Don't be so righteous! Look, this is ME Nathan! This is what I'm like. This is what I _do_. Take it or leave it...! Just because you don't like it doesn't mean that I'm going to change."

She turns to walk away and for a second he thinks that she's going to go back into the bar but she walks off down the road to the parking-lot.

"Come on B… my car is right here. I'll drive you home…" He throws his hands out in frustration as he sees her shake her head without turning around.

"Go home Nathan. I'll just catch a cab…"

_You're gone from here  
Soon you will disappear  
Fading into beautiful light  
'cause everybody's changing  
And I don't feel right.  
_

----------------------------

Lucas has been trying to decide what to say to Brooke the entire day, ever since the weird English-class this morning, and now when he parks his car outside Rachel's mansion-like house and walks up the drive-way he feels nervous. He rings the doorbell a couple of times but no one answers. He even tries the doorknob, but it's locked.

"Who the hell locks their door in Tree Hill?" he thinks, turning to walk back to the car. "Well maybe Peyton, after the Derek-incident… But who else?"

Then front-lights of a car blind him and he shades his eyes with his hand. It's Rachel's car. The redhead steps out and looks at him suspiciously before walking up towards the house with nonchalant grace.

"What are you doing here?" she says as passes him. "Came to see me?"

"I'm looking for Brooke. But I'm guessing she's not here."

Rachel stops and looks at him more intently. "Last time you went looking for Brooke… wasn't that when you achieved that black eye?"

A smirk is forming on her lips and he looks down into the gravel and breathes a couple of times before meeting her eyes again. "Count to ten", he thinks, "there's no use in fighting with Rachel". Instead he motions towards the house with his hand.

"So, do you know where she is?"

This time Rachel smiles, but it's not really a friendly one, more like it's filled with mischief. "Well, last time a saw her she was in the arms of some guy, looking rather comfortable…"  
She laughs coldly. "I wouldn't wait for her if I were you. She could be gone all night."

Rachel starts to walk towards the house again but when she reaches the door she stops and turns.

"Do both yourself and Brooke a favor Lucas and go home."

"So what are you saying? That I should just stop fighting for her?"

She retrieves the key from under the flowerpot by the entrance and slides it into the lock.

"You said it, not me… And I didn't even know that you had started fighting for her… I mean, any guy could have pimped her locker… I actually thought you would do better than that, but it's a little late now."

Then she walks inside and slams the door behind her.

_Everybody's changing  
And I don't feel the same._

-------------------------

* * *

**Authors note 2:** Pleeeease review. I need to know if you guys want me to keep on writing this story. The review-count has been a bit low and maybe it's because you think that there's too little brucas-interaction… But please have a little faith in me LOL. 

Even if you hate it, tell me.

X /Lynn


	9. Goodbye apathy

**Author's note:** Usually I write shorter chapters for this story than for my other one, but since you guys we're so gracious in your reviews, I made this a long one. ;)

I really am grateful for the support in your reviews. It's nice to see that so many of you like what I'm doing with the story even if it takes a while for me to get Brucas back together.

But as many of you probably know; I does take a while to mend broken hearts…

Shedyourmask; "Tortured Brooke element"... lol, that was actually very well put. Maybe i can use that:)  
Typokween; I agree with you. lol. But for morality-reasons, i can't really make _that_ happen in this story...  
And pOoLbEeRtAtToOs; To think that you read and reviewed my story while watching last weeks episode... lol. That's some support:)

Title is from the song with the same name, played by OneRepublic

-------

* * *

**CHAPTER 9 – Goodbye Apathy**

_Everybody is watching you. Everybody is watching me too…_

"Is this really my health-class?" Haley thinks when entering through the door of the classroom. "It looks more like something from a zombie-movie…"

She looks at Lucas who sits up front with his bruised face still shifting in purple. But added circles of tiredness under his eyes actually make him look even worse than yesterday, and he keeps eyeing Brooke in an ice-cold way over his shoulder. Brooke in turn looks more hung over than Haley has ever seen her. Her hair is tied up in a sloppy bun that she otherwise never would've left the house with, and even through her make-up, it's evident that she's sporting the same black circles under her eyes as her ex-boyfriend.

"I really have to have a talk with the both of them…" she thinks and feels the sting of worry in the pit of her stomach.

In the back Nathan is slumped over his desk looking like he's sleeping and she is not surprised. It had taken her forever to wake him up this morning.  
Peyton, who's on the other side of the classroom just keeps looking back and forth between Lucas and Brooke with an uneasy curiousness and if Haley didn't know better she would think that there had been a huge party yesterday. But then Rachel would probably be wearing sun-glasses indoors and Rachel seems to be the only one who looks even half alive this morning.

She's a little late after showing a new student around and she holds up the piece of paper signed by the principal, but Mr. Crane just waves her in. She walks over and takes a seat next to Nathan and she nudges his side.

"Hey sleeping husband…"

Nathan flinches and sits up straight in his chair looking embarrassed, and she smiles at him.

"You kept twisting and turning all night…" she whispers. "No wonder you're tired."

He shrugs his shoulders and his eyes drift off towards Brooke two desks in front of them.

"Yeah…"

She sees him look and pats his back. "At least she's here, right? You couldn't have done more than you did…"

Mr. Crane hushes them and she turns towards the teacher's desk and flips her book open, softly rubbing her belly with her free hand. It's not significantly bigger but she is three months pregnant now and her clothes are starting to get uncomfortably tight. The constant tiredness is starting to pass, but not today of course. She had woken up last night when Nathan came back from Blue Post and then she had been up listening to him ranting on and on about how stupid Brooke was and how he would want to beat Lucas up all over again. But she knows that he had only been worried. And she understands why. Brooke's erratic behavior lately had her worried as well.

"You should talk to her you know" she whispers to Nathan when the teacher starts to hand out their exams, but he just mutters something she can't make out and she sighs. No wonder her husband and Brooke had been such close friends, she thinks. They were both more stubborn than anybody else she knew. Except for maybe Lucas…

What was it that Nathan had said last night?

"_If Brooke keeps this up she'll just drive Lucas further away and however much I want them apart, we all know that they belong together…"_

Couldn't Lucas just catch on and get himself together? Because Nathan was right. Everybody that had the least bit of brain-activity could see that he and Brooke was a match made in heaven and however much Haley liked Peyton, the blond girl was just meant to be Lucas' friend, nothing else. Two broody people like them together just created a mess. A depressing mess at that.

She looks at Lucas who still has his eyes on Brooke and for the umpteenth time lately she wishes that Brooke had never broken up with him. Sure, he had deserved it, but Lucas had never really been good at fighting for Brooke and this time Brooke wasn't going to help him either. Not since the brunette girl was certain that he loved Peyton.

"What am I going to do?" she thinks and sighs again, before turning her concentration towards the math-problems.

------------------------------

The class is over and Brooke gathers her stuff and gets up from her seat. It feels like she's sleep-walking.

She has slept maybe two hours at most. The rest of the night she had just stared up into the ceiling, thinking of Lucas. However much she wanted him out of her head he was staying put, and finally she had just given up and admitted to herself that she loved him just as much as before. And that it wasn't going away, not even now that she knew he loved Peyton.

Still, she knows that this apathy and downwards spiraling that she has allowed her self to be sucked into lately has got to stop. This morning, while standing in the shower, she decided that she needed to talk to Lucas and at least try to mend their friendship, even though he was probably going out with Peyton by now. She can't stand not to have him in her life at all.

But then she arrived to her math-class and she suddenly changed her mind. For the entire hour she felt his eyes on her and her exam had gone surely down the drain, because for some reason his eyes had been so angry.

As he walks past her on his way out of the class-room, he stops for a second saying;

"I hope he was good…"

And before she has any chance to ask him what he means by this, he's already gone.

The day passes in a blur. She keeps to her self in the different classes and she spends lunch-hour in the library so that she won't have to face Nathan. She knows that she has to talk to him too, preferably before tonight's game. She's feeling guilty for just leaving like that last night, he had only been trying to look out for her, but right now she's way too tired to have another argument with him.

How she will ever muster up the energy for tonight's game against Oak Lake is beyond her. Cheerleading was almost a joke for a person as hung-over as herself and the thought of having to go to an away-game made her cringe. Forty minutes in a bus with anyone today was bad enough and that amount of time in a bus with Lucas and Peyton was unbearable.

So when they're heading out of their last class she pulls Rachel to the side.

"Rach, I really don't want to go to the game… Can you tell Whitey and the squad that I became sick and had to go home?"

"Uh-uh…" the redhead says, shaking her head. "If I have to go, then you do too! I hate busses and I'll probably die of boredom if you bail."

Brooke sighs loudly and wines; "But Rachel, you'll have the other girls. I'm too tired…"

But before she can escape, Whitey appears around the corner and smiles at them and Brooke knows she's stuck now.

"Damn it…" she mumbles under her breath and Rachel must think that it's directed towards Lucas who's standing further away by his locker, because she whispers;

"Don't worry about Luke. I fed him some crap about you having a new hook-up… he'll leave you alone know."

Brooke gasps. "You did what? When?"

"Well, he came by the house last night before you came home. He was kind of pissed off when I told him that you were with some guy, but I think he got the message."

Rachel smiles proudly, obviously sure that she's done the right thing, but Brooke glares at her. Suddenly Lucas' strange and angry behavior became much clearer.

"You're such a bitch Rachel…"

"No I'm not. I'm only looking out for a friend who can't see that she's much to good to be hung up on some stupid guy who doesn't appreciate her enough… so I just took him out of the equation." She smirks. "You can thank me later."

"Whatever…"

She picks up her bag and heads towards the locker-room. Not only does she have to share the bus with a really upset Lucas, she has to do it in her damn cheer-uniform. Could this day suck any more?

-----------------------------

Nathan grabs his bag and heads outside where the team is already standing, waiting for the bus that will take them to the Oak Lake. Lucas is sitting on a bench to the left and Nathan isn't looking for any more trouble with his brother, so he goes right and leans towards the building wall. He's a bit apprehensive about the bus-ride since he still hasn't talked to Brooke, and with Lucas and Peyton in the bus as well, it could all turn into a real mess if she was in a bad mood.

But just as he thinks that, Brooke comes over to him, already dressed in her cheer uniform.  
A small smile appears on her face and he knows that the smile is meant to be a peace-offering. Because knowing Brooke, he knows that they would probably never talk about the change of words they had in front of Blue Post last night, and that's a shame since he knows that she had taken so much of what he said badly. But he hates being on bad terms with her and he gratefully smiles back.

"Have I ever told you that you look good all dressed up?" she asks and touches the arm of his suit-jacket. And he laughs.

"No, you used to say I looked silly…"

She raises an eyebrow and pretends to think. "Well, you didn't really have the shoulders to pull it off when we were fourteen Nathan. And you did look stupid in your father's silk tie. You still do, you know, even if that one probably is yours…"

He looks at the ugly knot under his chin. Haley always did his tie for him, but today she had been busy at the tutoring center and she wasn't coming to the game either.  
Brooke sees him look down and sighs.

"Oh come here Nathan… Let me help you with that." She grabs his tie and starts to loosen it. He stands still and lets her fix the mess he's done while asking;

"How did you learn how to tie that? I mean your dad was never home…"

"I screwed the entire debate-team…"

He laughs. "Yeah right Brooke, as if it wasn't enough with the basketball-team…" But then he thinks of something. "Hey, isn't that a line from 'Pretty Woman'?"

Brooke hits him over the head, giving him a fake-angry look. "You dumb-ass! You actually thought I was serious at first!?"

"Well yeah… you never know… You used to be kind of wild…" He winks at her and smiles, reassuring her that he's joking this time.

"Fuck you Scott!" she laughs. It's a bubbly and beautiful sound. A sound that hasn't been heard nearly as much as usual lately.

"Actually, I think that's Haley's department…" he says with a playful half-smirk.

They both laugh and she tightens the now perfect tie before giving him a sisterly kiss on the cheek. "There you go. All nice."

"Thanks B."

She winks but there is seriousness behind the green eyes' smiling glimmer.

"No, thank you, Nathan. Thank _you_…"

----------------------------

The bus pulls up and Lucas grabs his bag and stands up from the bench. Watching Brooke laughing with Nathan is a strange kind of self-inflicted torture and it feels good to walk right passed them and into the yellow bus. He walks all the way to the back and puts the earphones to his ipod in his ears, letting the sound of OneRepublic fill his head before getting comfortable in his seat. He saves the seat next to him for Peyton and just moments later she slumps down on it.

"Thanks" she says and he nods back, not really in the mood to talk. Peyton seems to get the hint because she leans over and starts talking to Theresa who sits on the other side of the aisle and leaves him alone.

Brooke sits a couple of rows in front of him but on the same side as Theresa, next to Rachel. She has her legs stretched out in the empty aisle and the extremely short skirt allows him to see almost every inch of her naked legs. He follows the tanned skin all the way from the white sneakers up to the hem of the little blue skirt and once again the jealousy washes over him. Yesterday someone else had touched those legs, someone else had kissed her lips…

_I can't sleep. No, not like I used to_

_I can't breathe in and out like I need to_

_It's breaking ice. Now, to make any movement_

_What's your vice? You know that mine's the illusion..._

This song playing from the earphones was maybe not the best choice right now since it reminds him of Brooke. She had listened to it one morning right after their trip to Rachel's parents' cabin and for some reason the memory of her in the early morning light had kind of stuck to the song. And he can't make himself to switch it, or turn it off. Instead he closes his eyes and succumbs to the pictures already filling his head.

_His big sweater hung loosely on her where she stood in his kitchen, making herself a sandwich. It covered her to a point on the upper part of her thigh but her legs were naked and she was barefoot. The oversized collar had slipped down over one shoulder, leaving her porcelain skin free for his touch, and he stood there in the doorway for a while just looking at her._

_Then he walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her waist from the back, softly pressing his lips against her neck. He felt her shiver and even without seeing her face he knew that she smiled. And he kissed her again, this time a little higher up under her ear._

_As the song picked up the pace in the background he heard her whisper "Good morning boyfriend…" with a voice still raspy from sleep and he breathed in the scent from her. _

_All at once, (as i'm trying)_

_I can help you out (just to keep things right)_

_I'll be what you need, (I'll kill myself to make it perfect for you)_

_I'll do anything..._

_Goodbye apathy_

_The simple beauty of her appearance in the early morning hour made his heart beat faster just by looking at her and he untied the messy bun on the back of her head to make her long dark hair fall freely down her back. _

_He kept kissing her skin as he untangled the strands of chocolate brown silk and she turned in his arms and captured his lips with hers, her tongue warm against his._

_It was a long calm kiss and when she finally pulled back he leaned his forehead against hers._

"_I love you so much that it hurts Brooke…"_

_She smiled again and her hands slid up under his t-shirt, slowly stroking his back, and as the song ended on the radio she whispered;_

"_Then come here and let me make you feel better…"_

He opens his eyes to look at Brooke again and for some reason she looks back and sees him watch her. Maybe she felt his eyes on her, and feeling a bit embarrassed, he looks away. In the corner of his eye he sees her whisper something to Rachel who shrugs her shoulders, looking like she's about to pout. Nathan leans in from across the aisle and with heads close together Brooke says something to him too, making Nathan shoot glances back at Lucas.

He thinks that she's probably telling Nathan how pathetic she finds him for sitting here and staring at her, but surprisingly she stands up and walks the few steps back over to his row of seats. She leans herself on the headrest in front of them and looks at Peyton.

"Could you move for a while?" she says coldly. "I'd like to have a word with my ex-boyfriend."

Peyton gives him a look and he nods for her to go. She sighs but stands up and goes to sit with Bevin somewhere up front. Brooke slides down on the now empty seat, neatly tucking one leg in under her.

"I didn't go home with that guy last night…" she says bluntly. "I just want you to know that."

"Eh… what?"

It so typical of Brooke to just come out and ambush him with the one thing that has been on his mind for 18 hours, and to make it sound like it was it was not important.

She looks at him intently, seeks his eyes out until he has to look at her.

"Rachel just said that I went home with a guy to make you back off from me. I didn't know what she said to you up until twenty minutes ago. …I mean, that's why you're mad, right?"

He squints at her, trying to make out if she's telling him the truth and at the same trying to figure out why she is telling him at all. As she has so coldly pointed out several times lately, they were not together anymore, so who she did or did not sleep with was not his business. But her eyes force him to say something. Even though he hadn't planned on asking her this;

"Have you slept with someone else since we broke up?"

At first she's just quiet, but then her shoulders tense up and she nods.

"Yes."

It hurts like a knife-stab in his chest and he swallows. Neither of them breaks the eye contact and if it wasn't for the slight tremble of her bottom lip, he would think the time had just frozen. He doesn't ask 'who' or 'when', he just breathes in and out.

"Okay…" he says then. "Okay."

She gets up and she gives him a weak smile before going back to her own seat. He puts the earphones back in place and presses the reverse-button. The song starts all over again.

_So don't sit still… but don't you move away from here._

_Goodbye apathy_

----------------------------

The game goes by quickly and Brooke is happy with the squads performance, especially since she herself didn't really help. And the Raven's pulls of a great win, ending the game with 118-76 in favor of them.

Afterwards the tension in the bus is high and laughter mixes with recaps of great shots or steals. Brooke sits next to Nathan and it's weird to have the happiness of the win all tumbled up with her sadness about Lucas. He's sitting with Skills, Brandon and Zach just two rows in front of her and she can hear his voice.

She misses that voice so much. She used to love listening to him telling her stuff late at night when they laid in bed together. Or when he read her his boring books out loud. But it has been a long time since he told her anything of importance.

Leaning towards Nathan's shoulder, she looks out the window. The worst thing with his voice though, is that every time she thinks of it now, she only hears him saying two things;

Either_ "Then I guess I'm not the guy for you…" _or_ "I care more for Peyton than you ever did!"_

That's why she can't understand the hurt that had been in his eyes when she answered his question earlier. If he moved on to Peyton, then why couldn't she move on too?

The bus rolls to a full stop outside Tree Hill High and she looks at her watch. A quarter to ten. She hugs Nathan and Rachel goodbye and strolls off to her car. It's chilly and she pulls up the zipper of her jacket. Rachel's off to the after-game party with Bevin but she needs some peace and quiet first. The party would go on for hours and she could get drunk later, there was always the time for that. She turns the ignition-key and backs out of the parking-lot.

_Goodbye apathy, so long apathy…_

_-----------------------------_

_I don't walk right, not like I used to. _

_There's a jump in my step as I rush to see you...  
_

Lucas still has all too much adrenaline left in his body after the game. And after dumping his bag of at home and changing out of the suit Whitey had them wear at the away games, he walks down to the Rivercourt with the ball tucked under his arm.

And crossing the lawn in the park, he sees her right away. Brooke is sitting on the table at the side of the court, with her arms wrapped around her knees, and she looks up as he walks up to her.

"Hi" she says softly and he answers her the same way, adding a smile.

"Hi…"

Maybe it's the short conversation they had shared at the bus that stops her from leaving right away, but what ever the reason is, he decides to take advantage of it, hoping that they can talk some more. Not about the fact that she had slept with someone other than him, he just wants to forget that. But the thoughts of Brooke were what kept him up at night and maybe, if he could be near her for a while, sleep would finally come when he got home.

And there had to be a reason to why she had come here, and he hopes that that reason is that she unconsciously wants to see him too. So he sits down beside her on the table and takes in the complete calm of the night. They sit like that for well over five minutes without either of them saying anything. Then he decides to try.

"Why have you been trying so hard to avoid me?"

It's been quiet for so long that she flinches by the sound of his question. But then she looks up at him and in the soft light from some distant streetlight she looks gorgeous.

"It hurts too much to be around you" she answers honestly and he is so surprised that for a second he forgets to breathe.

"It hurts?" he finally says. "Why? I thought that you weren't in love with me anymore…"

She looks away and stares off into the darkness.

"I never said that… I said that I couldn't do it anymore, that I didn't have the strength…"

His eyes search for hers but she keeps looking away.

"Why? Because of Peyton and me?" he asks carefully and this time she just nods.

"But I never got together with Peyton after you found out about us Brooke. I picked you. I fought for you…"

He sees her tilt her head to the side and she makes a face as if she is debating with herself whether or not she should even continue this conversation with him.

"You do realize that you never actually 'picked' me over Peyton, right?" she says slowly. "You seem to think that you did but you didn't. You wanted to choose Peyton. And when you did pick me it was actually over _Anna_…"

He doesn't know what to say to that and laughing dryly she says; "I mean Peyton moved on to Jake after you had sex with Niki, so you never had the chance to pick Peyton at all. So you can never say that you held the feelings you had about me higher. Then you dated Anna for a while before deciding that you wanted me back. And what does that make me? Your fourth choice?"

She sighs.

"You know what Luke… Recently I've started to think that it was just because I was dating Felix at the time. I mean admit it, you always want what you can't have…"

He knows she has a point. Maybe even more than that, but he hates it. Sure, at the beginning of all this he had been confused as hell. But since last spring, before she left for California, he had loved her so much that it hurt, making everybody else fade in comparison.

"Brooke…" he tries quietly but she just waves her hand at him to shut him up.

"You wanna know something ironic though Lucas…" she says and kind of trails off in thoughts and when she doesn't continue he nods to make her keep going. She takes a deep breath.

"Do you remember the first time I told you that I loved you?"

He nods again, this time feeling reassured that this was a question that he understood and actually could answer.

"Of course I do Brooke. It was that night on my doorstep when you had just given me all those letters… When we got back together."

He smiles but she just looks down at the table and bites her bottom lip before shaking her head slowly.

"No…"

"What? …Yes it was Brooke. I said that I forgave you and you said that you loved me… and then I said that I loved you too."

She keeps shaking her head without looking at him and he's back to total confusion. What did she mean? That night had been one of the most emotional nights in his eighteen year old life. He knew the entire conversation they had by heart. Frowning he asks;

"Then when?"

"The first time we were together… You and Peyton were at the motel and you called to tell me that it wasn't her father in that morgue… You told me that you were heading home and I kind of… I kind of just blurted it out."

Closing his eyes for a second he tries to remember, but for some strange reason he can't.

"…I was so scared at first," she continues, "almost hoping that you hadn't heard me… but then you said 'you too' and I could breathe again because I thought that _maybe_ you felt the same."

She looks up now and smiles sadly. "I guess that's not something you should say over the phone …and that I shouldn't have expected you to remember since you had so much else to think of right then. I mean, Peyton was an emotional mess and you had to take care of her… It's just so ironic since less than ten minutes after I said those three words to you, you and my best friend were in a motel-bed together, making out…"

He is the one looking away now. He remembers _that_… and he remembers how torn he had felt when that necklace Brooke had given him got caught in Peyton's hair. Torn between really wanting to be with Peyton and not wanting to hurt Brooke in the process. Funny how things had changed over the past year.

"I don't remember that phone-call…" he whispers. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay Luke. I don't even think that you registered what I said in that moment… It's just so ironic that the first time I ever said those words to a guy, he just _had_ to screw me over…"

As she stands up and walks away he can hear her whisper; "I was screwed up enough as it was…"

He feels as if he should follow her. Make her understand how sorry he is for all the pain he's caused her, but last time he said 'i'm sorry' to her, it had just felt belittleing.

"Where are you going?" he shouts after her instead, suddenly realizing that she's dressed up. She doesn't turn or stop but she calls back; "To the party..."

Watching her back as she leaves, it dawns on him how different Brooke is nowadays. Not just lately but really ever since she found out about him and Peyton the first time. The girl she had been when he first met her was wild, a little out of control and crazy energetic. And sure, she had held up a tough façade against the main population of Tree Hill, but towards him she had been so unguarded, almost carrying her heart on her sleeve.

But somewhere in the midst of his teenage-confusion between her and Peyton he had managed to somehow break her spirit and knock the trust she had for him right out of her. And as he sits there by the picnic-table, he suddenly can't understand how she ever found the courage, or the will for that matter, to ever get back into a relationship with him. Not after she had given him her heart and he had just thrown it back at her feet.

And that had just been the first time he cheated on her.

Yet the strangest thing was that when she had broken up with him this time, it had been because _he_ wouldn't let _her_ in. That was ironic if anything.

It's dark at the Rivercourt and as the sound of her car disappears in the distance the silence is almost deafening.

"How the hell do I fix this?" he whispers but of course no one is answering.

He gets up and walks back towards town. The basketball lies forgotten on the ground by the table and his thoughts of shooting free-throws forgotten with it. It's already almost midnight but he doesn't make a left onto Burnette Drive. Instead he turns right. He suddenly knows what's wrong, and he needs to see Peyton.

_I could be happy here, as long as you're near to me_

_As long as you're close to me_

_Now that I'm alright, I can help you out_

_I'll be what you need, I'll do anything_

_Goodbye apathy…_

_Everybody is watching you. Everybody is watching me too._

_Goodbye apathy._

---------------------------------

* * *

**Author's note:** So how was that? A little Brucas for you all… Please tell me what you thought. 

XXX

/Lynn


	10. You should have lied

**Author's note**: After way too long I'm finally updating this. And since it's late at night and i really want to get this up, i'm skipping the personal thank you's. But know that i LOVE LOVE LOVE all your reviews...

-

* * *

**CHAPTER 10 – You should have lied **

_It doesn't matter  
that you had the courage to tell me…_

"He always lets me walk off…" Brooke thinks as she walks barefoot where the water drowns the sand. "He never follows me and yet I come back to him every time… like a little well-trained dog."

And she doesn't even become embarrassed by her own behavior anymore. But she should, because she has crawled in the gravel for him so many times and every time it always ends the same; she loves him with all her heart, giving him all of her, mind body and soul, and he turns his attention to Peyton. Every time.

The smell of the ocean swirls around her, its cool breezes ruffling her hair and the crashing of waves mingles with the sound of the seagulls. In the almost complete darkness she keeps replaying his words in her head, one by one, and every word he had uttered cuts like a knife. Even if he had probably meant well.

"_I picked you Brooke. I fought for you…"_

But he never had and she hates that she can't make it feel any better. She hates the fact that he can get under her skin so easily. And tonight at the Rivercourt had proven that once again. She had come there to see him, hoping that he would be there like he often was after a good game. She wanted to talk to him and once again throw herself in the gravel at his feet. But then he asked her why she had avoided him, and the notion that he actually didn't know that instead made her explain. Although he still didn't understand of course. He never would.

She thought about going straight to the party after her talk with Lucas. Half a bottle of vodka and around fifty drunken teenagers did seem to be the easiest way to drown the whole encounter. But as she drove off, Nathan's voice popped up inside her head;

"_Don't do this again! You and alcohol don't go well together B… it makes you… well…"_

She knows the end of the sentence, even though Nathan didn't say it last night. And that's why she has decided against drinking tonight. Too much is on her mind right now and last night had gotten a little out of control. So instead she had just parked her car by the promenade and walked down here, the beach that held so many memories. And as the Scott's beach-house comes into view she sits herself down. She buries her toes in the damp cold sand and takes a deep breathe. She needs a couple of minutes of alone-time before meeting the crowd at Bevin's house.

She looks out over the ocean but there's only darkness. She is glad that Nathan is back in her life as her friend but it also clarifies something else for her; she misses Lucas. Misses him with every fiber of her being. He had hurt her and left her hanging so many times in the last year and a half but sitting here alone on _their_ beach she realizes that even though he would probably always love Peyton more, even though she herself was never enough for him, her heart isn't complete without him. The problem is that none of this matters, because she can never be with him again. If she would her heart would never recover.

She sighs and fills her hands with soft grains of sand, letting them trickle out between her fingers. And then she finally allows for the tears, that she's been holding in ever since the bus-ride, to come pouring out.

---------------

Lucas turns the corner of Main Street and onto Oleander Drive. The streets are empty and the only light comes from far between set streetlights. But in his mind he actually wishes that it was even darker. That way he might not be able to see the flashing images' of Brooke by the table at the Rivercourt, the images that keeps passing by in his head like a slide-show. Dark green eyes full of honesty and pain, the smile she forced in order to not seem weak in front of him, and that ironic dimple on her right cheek that came out not only when she laughed, but also when she was about to cry… The left dimple never did that, only the right.

He hesitates outside of the white house that he has just entered without knocking so many times. He knows that if Peyton is home she will be alone, but it's still almost midnight and she will surely be surprised to see him. And even though he is pretty set on what to say to her, it still feels awkward to come over here this late.

He lifts his hand and knocks on the door. Seconds pass and no sounds are heard from inside so he knocks again, a little harder this time, before finally giving in to just feeling the doorknob. It's locked. He backs up a few steps to look up at her window and this time he notices that it's dark in there. It would be weird if she was sleeping, even on a Wednesday night, because she usually never went to sleep before one o'clock. And especially tonight when there was a party going on and…

"Damn it…" he whispers when realizing. Peyton is at the party too of course. He gives the stones in her driveway an annoyed kick before turning and heading back in the same direction he had come. He had hoped to talk to Peyton before seeing Brooke again but now it seems he won't be that lucky. And thinking about the last weeks, he almost laughs at the thought of having something going his way.

"Why would it?" he thinks as he jogs back towards Bevin's house. Things hadn't been good since Brooke dumped him.

----------

Peyton sits on Bevin's front-porch drinking beer with some of the girls from the squad. The night has been good so far and since Brooke hasn't been around she gets to enjoy the company of Theresa and the other girls that otherwise keeps a distance from her. Since it was Brooke's squad they all had their loyalty towards the brunette first and foremost.

She's laughing at something Carly just said when she sees Lucas coming up the driveway. Unconsciously she smiles, thinking that the night can't get any better. If now Brooke would just stay away…

But Lucas doesn't smile back at her. Instead he waves, but with a serious face.

"Hey Peyt… Can I talk to you for a sec?"

"Yeah, sure…"

She hands her cup of beer to Theresa and walks down the few steps before following him into the garden.

"Hey Luke, what's up with you?" she asks a little hesitant when he stops and sits by the table outside the gazebo. "Has something happened?"

"Well not really… but I need to talk to you about Brooke."

At first she feels the butterflies swarm inside her. Maybe this is the moment that he will tell her that he is finally over Brooke once and for all. And then he looks up and meets her eyes.

"I love you Peyton, you know that don't you?..."

She almost looses her breath. This is exactly how she pictured it, in a beautiful garden at night, just the two of them. But then he continues. "…and it sucks that it has to be this way… but I miss Brooke SO much. And I need to get her back. That's why I can't hang out with you as much as I have…"

He probably keeps on talking but she stops listening and inwardly curses Brooke. The girl had everything she wants… Life just isn't fair.

If she could get Lucas to hate her former friend in that moment she would do anything, but even she can see that it's no use. His eyes sparkle by the pure mention of her name.

They talk for a little while more and she mechanically declares that she is fine with not seeing him for a while. "Anything for you and Brooke, Lucas… I just want you to be happy…"

But she really just wants to scream.

------------------

After spending half an hour at the beach, Brooke enters the loud party and heads straight to the livingroom. She's cold and tired and she's not here to hang out or dance, just to check in with Nathan, Haley and Rachel before she heads home to sleep. However bad things has been lately, she still has an image to uphold, and to not make an appearance at a party as big as this one would just give people a chance to gossip.

Lately she has heard several girls on the squad complaining behind her back that she had somewhat 'retracted socially' and she really doesn't want to tackle the whole 'you've been drifting'-scenario again. Last year, when her dad's company had gone bankrupt and she had lived at Karen's house, she had to defend herself every time she missed a social gathering. Then it had been because she had to work and didn't have time, and this time she just didn't feel up to it, but never the less, people relayed on her presence.

She looks around for her friends in the swaying sea of people and finally she spots Nathan's dark head of hair over by the door to the diningroom. She pushes herself over in his direction, stopping a few times on the way to say hi to familiar faces, and when she finally reaches him she leans on him thankfully.

"Hey B" he says smiling and puts his arm around her shoulders. "I started to think you wouldn't come… Where have you been?"

She sighs and shakes her head with out looking at him.

"Don't ask. And I'm not staying, I'm just her for the social head-count. As soon as I've been seen by enough people I'm out of here…"

She still leans towards his shoulder but he puts his hand under her chin, forcing her to look up. When she does, he looks at her questioning.

"What's up Brooke? You look like you've been crying…"

Self-consciously she pulls away from his hands grip. She hasn't thought it was that evident. Sure, she had spilled a couple of tears, or actually more than that, but she had after all redone her make-up in the car after leaving the dark beach. And she thought the she had eliminated all signs of weakness, otherwise she would never have set foot inside the doors of this party. And Nathan probably sees that she is made uncomfortable by his statement because he smiles and gently squeezes her with the arm that is still wrapped around her.

"Don't worry, everybody in here is too drunk to notice. And you do a good job of covering it up, but this is me Brooke… so just tell me what happened."

"I talked to Lucas" she says and scans the room. "I needed to tell him a few things to try and get closure and now I just feel a little empty I guess…"

Nathan is just about to say something to that when Rachel comes over. She looks pissed off and she stomps up to Brooke with a drink in her hand. Before even saying 'hi' she hands her the cup, hissing "Drink this quickly and then come with me."

"I'm not drinking tonight…" Brooke answers confused "I have my car…" But Rachel is persistent.

"Then take a cab. Drink! I need you in the kitchen."

"Why?"

Rachel rolls her eyes impatiently. "Because Peyton is in there, being a lying bitch and telling everybody who wants to listen that you're a bad friend."

"What? No…"

She shakes her head in confusion. Okay, she and Peyton hadn't really talked in a long time now but Rachel has to be wrong about this. After all, Peyton could never say that, not even after their on and off fighting for the last month. She had done everything for her blonde former best friend her whole life, and Peyton was the one who had betrayed their friendship.

"No? Then how about this?" Rachel says with her eyebrow raised "Peyton just told Theresa that you were a self-centered bitch for not even asking how she was coping after that Derek-thing. AND she said that the only reason you clung to Lucas for as long as you did was because you didn't want Lucas with her…"

The red plastic mug in Brooke's hand suddenly makes more sense than anything else and she takes a swig at it, downing all of the content in one go. Then she crumples it in her hand and throws it on the floor. Nathan's arm is still around her in a protective way but she shrugs it off and without a word she heads towards the kitchen. Rachel is right behind her and in the corner of her eye she sees Nathan coming along as well. But she doesn't really care.

"Get out of my way loser!" she scoffs and pushes a freshman to the side so that she can enter the door to the kitchen, and when she sees the curly blonde leaned towards the counter, all the pent up anger from the last months just comes crashing.

"What am I hearing?" she hisses and walks up close to Peyton, almost knocking over Bevin in the process. "Are you actually so stupid that you're bad-mouthing me in front of Rachel now?"

Peyton smirks but a flash of insecurity is evident on her face.

"Hi Brooke… What are you talking about?"

"You _know_ what! If you have something to say about me, at least do it to my face!"

Peyton squirms a little and sips her drink before clearing her throat, probably a little taken aback by Brooke's outburst.

"I did say it to your face, remember?" she then says more secure. "I was completely honest this time… That's what you're so pissed about, right? You just didn't like hearing the truth."

In her head Brooke slowly counts to ten. "You mean when you told me that you LOVED my boyfriend a month back? Or do you mean when you stated that I didn't?"

She pierces her eyes into Peyton's and at first her former friend looks back, but then Peyton turns her eyes to the floor. Somehow, Peyton's cowardness just gets her even more angry.

"Listen backstabber! Isn't that enough?" she continues. "Isn't it enough that you had me break up with him? You know me better than anyone and you _knew_ that my insecurities would go off the chart when you were all 'honest' with me… Now you have to stand here and talk shit about me to my friends too? What the hell Peyton?!"

Hurt and anger burns in her chest but at least she's grateful that her eyes are dry. The blonde girl in front of her doesn't really seem sure what to do anymore and when Peyton talks again her voice is almost soft.

"Brooke… okay listen, let's not fight in here. I've told you a hundred times that I never meant to hurt you… But since I didn't tell you the first time, I just wanted to let you know the truth."

The truth. What was that really? That hers and Peyton's friendship never had been worth anything and that she had her heart broken twice over a boy that never loved her back? Or was the truth that it was all her own fault? For not being enough for him, for always pushing him to hang out with Peyton, for breaking up with him…

"You should have lied…" she says, suddenly tired and beaten, and she reaches for a bottle of tequila standing next to her on the sink. She is already so messed up emotionally from the talk with Lucas earlier, and now her resolution of not drinking just feels impossible.

"What?"

Peyton looks confused.

"Exactly what I said Sawyer. You should have kept your mouth shut or just straight up lied… the only reason you told me was to get some of the guilt off your chest and to hopefully have me back away from him… And you got what you wished for." She takes a couple of gulps straight from the liquor-bottle. "So why are you still here? Shouldn't you be trailing after him somewhere?"

Now the slight insecurity on Peyton's face is mixed with guilt. "For what it's worth Brooke, I never did go after him… And I didn't tell him how I felt either."

"That doesn't really matter. I don't care if you died of the guilt of keeping your feelings a secret. You should have done that for me because we were _best_ friends, remember? But now, once the truth is out, you can't take it back. That is the dangerous thing with it, didn't you know?"

She drinks a few more gulps from the bottle and as the liquid burns her throat her emotions gets numb. A hand softly touches her lower back but she knows it's Nathan and she doesn't turn. Even while she swallows the tequila her eyes are still pasted to Peyton's face.

"I'm standing here looking at someone who actually doesn't know that she blew it" she thinks as she sees all the emotions run across the curly blonde's face. Peyton never had a good poker-face and now was no exception. And just when she gets ready to turn and leave Peyton standing there, her ex best friend smirks;

"I just don't know why you're so angry Brooke. From what I've heard, you're busy screwing Mr. Chavez… For someone pretending to be heartbroken, you move pretty quickly. It must be the old slut in you, huh?"

Before she even has the time to think about what she's doing her right hand slaps Peyton hard across the face. So hard that Peyton stumbles and has to grab on to the counter not to fall.

The blonde holds a hand to her already blushing cheek but strangely enough she smiles wickedly and Brooke sees her look at something behind her back.

Curiously she turns, and that's when she realizes that the hand on her lower back hadn't belonged to Nathan. It was Lucas.

"Luke…" she almost whispers. "How long have you been standing there?"

But Lucas doesn't answer. He just looks hurt.

-------------------

Nathan stands in the doorway to the terrace, watching Brooke and Lucas who bicker in a corner of the livingroom. Brooke looks broken and Lucas angry and Brooke clings to her plastic cup with alcohol like if it it's a lifeline. Nathan keeps begging silently that Lucas won't mess this up. That he will realize what he needs to do now, but so far it seems like that won't happen.

"How could you do that Brooke?" he hears Lucas say in a harsh voice. "You broke up with me to screw a teacher?! I was in love with you, you _knew_ that, and you ran off with Mr. Chavez?! Don't you have any conscience?"

Brooke looks back at him disbelievingly.

"How can you even ask me that Lucas? Where the hell was _your_ conscience when _you_ were with _Peyton_? If you were so in love with me, then how come it didn't scream out to you, huh?"

Nathan can see clearly that she is frustrated and that she is on the verge of leaving this conversation and Lucas almost stumbles on the words when he tries to get them out quickly.

"It did Brooke! But I was so lost the first time, and the second time Peyton was bleeding to death… That was a completely different situation than this one."

"The second time?" Brooke scoffs. The SECOND time?! Are you hearing yourself?"

Nathan sighs and walks out into the garden.

--

Lucas does hear how stupid it sounds and suddenly the thing with her sleeping with the English-teacher kind of fades in comparison. But he still feels confused. This night just kept twisting and turning and nothing seemed to turn out like he thought or planned. He had seen how his brother just rolled his eyes over by the terrace and he figures that Nathan has the information that he desperately needs to understand this mess, but it's not like he can ask Brooke to wait… He mentally hits himself for not listening to what Nathan came to tell him that Saturday down by the Rivercourt.

"I went to Peyton's house to talk to her after you left the Rivercourt…" he starts, not sure how he's going to explain. "I wanted to clear some things with her… to tell her that you are the one that I've picked…"

He isn't allowed to finish. Instead Brooke raises an eyebrow. "You know that you're being tragic now, right?!"

"And what the hell do you mean by that?"

"Oh, Come on Lucas!" she spits. "I'm tired of you're fake love-speeches and the way you seem to think that you can just pick and choose however you want. That crap you're pulling only works in romantic movies! And do you know what they don't show after they fade out in those movies? The brokenhearted girl throwing her drink in the tragic guy's face before walking away!"

She lifts the plastic cup as if to make the threat happen, but then she lowers it again and smirks.

"You're not worth it" she hisses. Instead she downs the rest of the content and throws the now empty cup on the floor before turning away. And he's not sure, but he thinks he can see a tears sliding down her cheek as she walks towards the door.

-------------------

* * *

**Author's note**: Please don't kill me… it will get better. But Mark just screws things up and unlike him I don't think that BL-fans are idiots. So to do this in a realistic way, I need some more time… 


	11. What hurts the most

**Author's note: **An all new chapter! A little on the angsty side maybe, but I guess you're all used to that in this story… I LOVE all your reviews. And I'm so happy to see some new readers. Special thank you to wishinonastar, babybush and B.Davis for all your help and support. :) This chapter would never have been finished without you guys.

The chapter is named after an awesome song by the band Rascal Flatts.

Here we go…

-

* * *

**CHAPTER 11 – What hurts the most…**

_What hurts the most  
was being so close  
and having so much to say  
and watching you walk away.  
And never knowing  
what could have been  
and not seeing that loving you  
is what I was trying to do_

"Seven times", Lucas thinks. "That is how many times I have let her walk away from me at a crucial point of our relationship".

Let her walk away at a moment when he really needed to show her that he loved her and that he was there. But in every one of these situations, his tongue has plastered it self to the roof of his mouth and his mind has gone completely blank like a white sheet of paper. Seven times, if he counted earlier tonight at the River court. And this would be the eighth…

As Brooke walks off, he stands rooted in the same spot, thinking that the sixth time she walked away from him probably was the worst. That was the night a month and a half ago when she came and told him 'that she couldn't do this any more'. The night that he had just stayed on his stupid ass in the chair behind his laptop, and watched her end their relationship with nothing more then an empty 'I'm sorry' leaving his lips as a response.

But the runner up was a close second, and finding that it had been just the day before the sixth actually made it even more stupid. The person that had created the expression 'You learn from your mistakes' had obviously never crossed paths with him. Because when it came to his love of Brooke Penelope Davis, it seemed like he would never, _could_ never, get his act right…

And even though he had started out right the fifth time, following the furious Brooke into the back-room of the wedding reception to try and talk to her about Peyton and the kiss, he had still screwed up. Somewhere along the line his words started coming out wrong.

"_Is it impossible for you to forgive me?" he tried tiredly. "…I forgave you…"_

_The tears were already in her eyes as she searched for her handbag, but at the last words she looked up. _

"_For what?"_

_He didn't want to say it but he suddenly couldn't hold it in. "For sleeping with Chris Keller…"_

_First she just stood with her mouth open, looking shocked, and when she started talking again her voice cracked. "And you know what Lucas? I loved you for that… You had such _grace_ in that moment that I fell in love with you all over again…" _

_Her tears started falling freely now and as she sobbed; "I can't BELIEVE you would use that as a bargaining-chip!" he suddenly regretted having said anything at all._

"_I'm not… I'm not" he assured, but it really didn't do any good. _

_Crying she returned to her searching of the bags, and he felt a little helpless when he continued. He had never seen her this way before._

"_I just need you to believe me when I tell you my heart is with YOU" he said, desperately trying to mend the mistake. "But a part of me feels like ever since we got back together, you've just been waiting to push me away."_

"_Oh, great. You kiss Peyton, AGAIN! And I'm pushing YOU away?!"_

_Her tears mixed with her newfound anger and for each second he felt her slipping away more and more. She breathed in and out deeply, probably trying to calm herself down, and he hurt so much for her._

"_I love you Brooke. I don't know how else to say it..."_

_Sobbing loudly she walked closer to him. "How about the way you show it? I am not pushing you away, Lucas, I'm holding on for dear life… But I need you to need me back, okay? Why didn't you tell me about the kiss? And why didn't you call me while you were away? And why won't you EVER just let me ALL the way in?!?"_

_At the last word she was practically punching his chest, right where his heart was, but then she paused and there was this long desperate silence. A silence where he should have said something. But nothing came out. Not even a tiny syllable. She looked more tired then he'd ever seen her look before, kind of emotionally exhausted, and pushing the sobs back down her throat she sighed and said; _

"_We have to go give our speeches now. About love…" And then she started walking away._

"_Please don't be mad Brooke…" he begged, and as soon as the words left his mouth he realized how lame it sounded. How that phrase would never be enough. And even if it got her to turn towards him once more before walking out the door, her eyes were still glued to the floor. _

"_I'm not mad, Lucas…" she whispered. "I'm not mad."_

And then she had walked away for the fifth time, just as she was doing now.

"Don't do it Brooke" he thinks as his mind runs helplessly in its own maze, "Don't walk away again…"

Suddenly nothing in their fight seems important. Seeing her moving away from him scares him too much, and he wants to take it all back. He really doesn't care who she's been with during their time apart. Nothing else matters than the black and empty hole in his heart that just keeps getting wider and deeper with every second not spent with her. But she is already out through the terrace-doors. Out into the garden quicker than he has ever seen a girl on five inch heals walk away.

"Damn it…" he whispers. And then his feet start moving instinctively. He catches up to her halfway down the driveway and grabs her arm.

"Stop Brooke!"

"No!"

She rips her arm away from his grip and turns again and he can't take the rejection. The fear of actually losing her once and for all makes him act out, like a hurt animal, and this time he simply grabs her whole body. Wraps his arms around her firmly from behind and holds on without even caring if he caused her physical pain. She fights him, with much more strength than her little body seemed to hold, but he refuses to let go.

"Just stop…" he breathes down to her wiggling form. "I need you to wait…"

He knows he's being unfair. She has nothing to put up in defense when he uses raw strength, her being almost a head shorter and tiny compared to his muscle-mass, but this is the only way. His only option. Furiously she sobs;

"I'm NOT doing this again. Let me go Lucas!" But he doesn't. Instead he holds her close, talking into her ear._  
_

"Listen, I get tongue-tied every time you run off like this Brooke, you just walk off before I have the time to react… This time I need a chance to catch up with my head…please…"

His voice is low but firm and in some way he's talking as much to himself as he is to her. This action, holding her and forcing her to stay put, is buying him precious time to make a plan. And at first she still tries to get him to let her go, but the efforts lose their will, and finally she stops. He can feel her chest heave up and down.

"I'm not going anywhere" he whispers softly. "Whatever you say or whatever you do Brooke… If you only want to be friends, then I'll live with that, but don't push me away because I'm not going anywhere…"

She still takes deep breathes and his mind is spinning. Holding her like this, feeling her body next to his and breathing in her scent, brings back so many memories that his heart almost cracks open in his chest. But then she whispers back;

"No… I'm serious Lucas… I'm tired of always defending my past to you. And I'm sick of being stuck in the middle while you 'decide' things… I can't just wait around for you to break me again. I just can't…"

He has expected her to still be furious. To scream and kick and cry and to be the angry and defensive Brooke he knows, but she sounds calm and hollow. Empty and defeated.

"…it's not enough that you're not going anywhere. I need more."

Slowly he loosens his grip and she turns towards him. And for a second he can see her. In the deep green pools that are her eyes he sees the flash of the girl that he loves so much that he physically flinches from the pain in his heart. But then her eyes go back to the empty replicas that they have been lately and he realizes that this time she's not just physically going to walk out on him, she doing it spiritually as well.

_I need more…_

Her words keep ringing in his ears and then she softly lets her lips touch his. The kiss is so light that it's more of a whisper towards his skin. A feather-light feeling that holds so much, but yet no emotion at all, and he whispers;

"I just need you."

---

When he whispers those four words, Brooke want's to scream. She wants to lash out. Kick, punch, even bare her knuckles into his face. It's not fair of him to say these things, to look at her as if he really means it. Not when he's never meant it during all of the months when she gave him everything she had. During all the time in which she had forced herself _every day_ to give him of herself as she had never done to anyone else before. When she had struggled to overpower all her issues of trust and her fears of being close to someone mentally and opening up. She had cried herself to sleep so many times, especially since she found out about the kiss in the library, hoping to hear just these four little words from him. And he chooses to say them now, now that she has finally begun to let him go.

Slowly she looks up into his blue eyes and searches them, seeing desperation, fear and pain. And she hurts for him. For a second she is back in Rachel's parents cabin, holding him as he cried over Keith. Back when she still believed that he would be the one to heal her and the he would allow her to do the same for him. But then the real world comes back into focus. Behind these beautiful blue eyes is the boy she gave her heart. Her Lucas. And even though he had broken her even more then she was before she met him, she knows that she will always love him. And that she will never fully heal from this. Because it all comes down to two things;

He doesn't know her and he will never fully be hers.

Yet she needs this closure. So she leans up and kisses him again. Then she untangles herself from his now limp arms and turns her back on him once more. And this time there is no 'last chance' or any promises to 'never mess it up again'. This time there's just the sweet pain of knowing that he is watching her back as she walks away from him. And of course it hurts. It hurts like hell. But at least this time she knows that she is left with a little self-respect. Lucas has the last piece of her heart that is still warm and beating and the pieces left in her chest are cold and useless like little pieces of stone. The only thing she has control over is this; Lucas Scott would never get the opportunity of making her feel stupid again.

She passes Nathan and some other guys from the team on her way back to her car and it's hard to fake a smile when she feels like she's falling apart on the inside, but this way she could keep some dignity. Nathan isn't falling for it of course, but the others might and maybe that would lessen all the gossip that would travel like a forest-fire tomorrow.

In the corner of her eye she sees Nathan get up from his seat and start to walk towards her but she waves at him and gets into the car. When he makes it over, he tries to pull open the car-door but knowing what he will do she has already locked it.

"Open the door B!" she hears his muffled voice, but she rolls down the window instead.

"Don't worry Nate, I'm going… you don't have to take care of me."

He looks hurt and it pains her that she is the one putting this look on his face, but right now she is fighting so hard to hold herself together that showing even the tiniest sliver of emotions, even towards Nathan, will bring the walls crumbling down.

He keeps pulling the doorhandle and his facial features are hard. "You can't drive Brooke. Get in the passenger-seat and unlock the door. I'll drive you…"

But she just shakes her head. And once again she thinks about her encounter with Nathan outside of Blue Post last night. This Tuesday just seems never ending… Deep inside she had known what Nathan meant with his unfinished sentence, even in the drunken state she had been in. And she can see the same thoughts going through his head now as well.

"_Don't do this again! You and alcohol don't go well together B… it makes you… well…"_

He hadn't meant to call her a slut or a whore. If she would have allowed him to finish the sentence he would have said 'destructive'. And it's true. If she drinks when feeling sad or angry, the alcohol makes her forget, but not only the things that hurts, but also that there are things that can harm her. Alcohol makes her think that she is invincible and for a long time it was her only way to cope…

And completely aware of this, she lets the window slide shut and puts her foot on the gas-pedal. Through the glass she sees Nathan throw his hands out in frustration. But she backs up and drives off down the street, leaving him standing in the driveway.

Out on the main street she's already driving too fast and she smiles. Tears are falling down her cheeks but her insides are still numb.

When she was younger this feeling of invincibility _only_ resulted in Nathan having to keep an eye on her at parties so that she wouldn't be taken advantage of while completely hammered. But with time, the thrill of doing stupid and dangerous things became her new high, until the day when Nathan finally couldn't take it anymore. Driving drunk, running around in bars alone, sleeping with complete strangers… these were just some of the things. And it got worse…

Lucas, and everybody else for that matter, seemed to think that Lucas was the one that 'saved' her from that life, but that wasn't entirely true. Sure, when they started dating it had been so much easier to stay away from the drinking and the parties because she had him to take her mind off things, and when she fell in love with him it had been even easier because by then she really wanted Lucas to see her real self. But apparently he never had…

Initially though, her changing it was all because of Nathan. Because he was the one that made her see that it was enough.

"_Game's getting old Brooke…"_

She can still hear the pain in his voice.

They hadn't really hung out in months when his father arranged that stupid basketball-banquet, back in the beginning of junior year. As usual she'd had a little too much to drink and when she found that note from Haley in Nathan's drawer, it just tipped her over the edge, seeing that she was already pissed off. At Peyton and at Lucas. And it hurt so much to see Nathan and Haley being friends because she missed having that friendship with Nathan, and before she knew it she had lied about the note to Haley, even though she knew it would hurt Nathan in the process. Somewhere in the back of her mind she also saw the fragile love growing between her childhood friend and his tutor and with that she knew that Nathan wouldn't go back to Peyton. Peyton was free to go after Lucas, and with that their little love-rectangle plus one had just been set.

Still, that night when the party came to an end and she had fallen asleep on Nathan's bedroom floor, he didn't yell at her or throw her out. He woke her up softly, had her change into some of his sweats and gave her coffee…

_Sitting at the kitchen-table she watched him pour some coffee into a big mug. She was still a bit drunk but not enough so that she didn't see the tired slope of his shoulders. She pulled her hands into the long sleeves of the sweater he had given her and bit her bottom lip, sensing that he was disappointed._

"_Nate…" she said quietly and he turned and came over to the table. He put the mug in front of her and sat down._

"_Drink that Brooke."_

_She sipped the hot fluid, holding the mug with both hands. He was watching her and she felt a little uneasy._

"_I'm sorry" she whispered, but she knew that there was really now use in saying it since it didn't help. He knew too, but he nodded._

"_I know you are…" _

_Closing his eyes for a second, he sighed "When are you going to stop Brooke? Aren't you sick of feeling sorry the day after? I sure am sick of hearing you say it…"_

_If there had been any signs of anger or resentment in his voice she would probably have gotten angry at those words, but he just sounded tired and sad and the words carved right into her heart._

"_I miss you B, you know that right? I miss the girl you used to be…"_

_Tears formed in her eyes, but the big mug hid them as she took a few more sips of the coffee._

"…_Why can't you just push back on life? Rise above yourself and show everyone that you're special? You know that you are Brooke. You just have to step up…"_

"_I trying…" she whispered. "And I know it sounds lame but I really wanted Lucas to like me… Maybe if a guy like him could see ME, not just the slutty girl everybody else sees, then maybe I could see her too…"_

_Nathan shook his head in disbelief and sighed. She knew he hated his brother, he never hid that fact, and Brooke could clearly see that this was neither the answer Nathan had looked for or the one he was expecting._

"_Lucas is not for you Brooke" he said tiredly. "He will never understand you or why you are who you are… The last thing you need is to get into something with that moron. Besides, he likes Peyton, didn't you notice?"_

_She looked down into the table's wooden surface, feeling like she wanted to cry, but she hadn't cried in front of someone for a long time and she held the tears back in and said nothing._

"_You need to stop drinking like this though Brooke. Can't you see that you're hurting yourself?" The pain was evident in his voice as he almost whispered "Don't you remember what happened last time?"_

_She didn't answer him then either, didn't know what she would say even though she remembered just fine, and they sat there for a long while in silence. When she put the empty mug down on the table he stood up._

"_Come on, I'll drive you to Peyton's house…" he said, not looking at her. "As long as you're this destructive I really can't handle this… I don't want to watch you punish yourself anymore. And I can't keep punishing myself…"_

_Then he walked out and on towards the car in the driveway. And she followed him without a word, knowing that this was the last time in a long time that he helped her out. _

She had remembered all of it the next morning, even though she pretended that she didn't. And after that night a new kind of friendship had started between herself and Nathan, beginning with her patching up what she had destroyed between him and Haley. But this new friendship was a much more apprehensive one, fragile and not half as close as before. It wasn't until days ago that they had touched base with the closeness they once had and she didn't want to ruin it again.

Still she had left him standing in the driveway, looking scared and frustrated, because it scared her to rely on Nathan again this way. And that was also why she had pushed him away last night.

Funny thing, those Scott-brothers, she thinks as she pushes the gas-pedal down even more. One used to be her best friend and the other used to be her boyfriend, even the love of her life. She still loves them both but they had both left her when she needed them the most. And right now that means that she has to cut them both off, because after years of feeling betrayed and forgotten by her parents she can't handle anymore rejection.

One the seat beside her the cell-phone lights up, flashing Lucas' name on the display. He calls one time, two, three, but she lets it keep ringing without picking up. And she keeps driving.

---

Lucas still stands in the garden dialing Brooke's cell-phone number over and over when Nathan comes towards him. His brother's eyes are dark and his jawline tensed.

"What the fuck is your problem?! Are you in fact retarded or did you just completely miss that Brooke has been drinking? How could you just let her leave?!"

Lucas sighs, knowing that this time Nathan is right for yelling at him. But when Brooke kissed him and he saw the 'goodbye' in her eyes, he just kind of spaced out and let her go. It had been so evident in her eyes that there was absolutely nothing else he could do. Now, when it all had sunk in he's all too aware that this _again_ had been the wrong decision, but _again_, it was a little late now…

"I'm an idiot…" he says quietly, more directed to himself than to his brother, but Nathan picks it up and hisses;

"Yeah? Tell me something I _don't_ know!"

Lucas looks down and shuffles the gravel around with his tennis shoe. He feels bad as it is and Nathan's angry face doesn't really make it any better. Up until this minute his mind has been so focused on the thoughts of Brooke's eyes when she kissed him that it hasn't even crossed his mind that Brooke had been driving away drunk and upset. Now, a whole new sense of unease settles in the pit of his stomach.

"Just cut it out Nate…" he mumbles, still not looking up. "What was I supposed to do? Pin her down to the ground and wait for you to come and tell her that she couldn't leave? I mean since she apparently listens to you now and not me..."

But Nathan just huffs angrily. "You're just clueless of the power you have over her, aren't you? God, I wish you could have seen the state she was in last night, and how sad she was when she came back from talking to you earlier. Not to mention at the party last week… How the hell can you NOT see that you're hurting her? Huh?"

"But I'm…" he starts, ready to defend himself, but Nathan cuts him off.

"She's worked so hard to keep herself together lately but you just can't let her heal, can you?"

Something in his brother's voice tells him that Nathan feels in some way guilty, and for the umpteenth time he wonders what past Brooke and his brother really shared. Lately it has seemed like Nathan was this over-protecting of Brooke against him to make up for something that he himself didn't know about and he wishes that he knew what this _something_ was.

What was it Nathan had said at the River court?

"…_if you're telling the truth about caring for her, then you have to know some things…"_

Some things? What things? He looks at Nathan and his dark haired brother looks stressed and angry.

"Hey Nate, cut me some slack" he tries. "I went here tonight to talk to Peyton and I told her that I need to concentrate on getting Brooke back… cause I miss her so damn much… But then all that shit about the English-teacher got in the way and me and Brooke started arguing. I didn't want it to turn out like this, believe me…"

"Believe what? That you think that you're allowed to wallow in self-pity? And that you started fighting with Brooke instead of seeing that Peyton only wanted to cause drama?" Nathan's voice gets louder. "You seem to think that Peyton is this angel-like person, unable to do wrong. That she's oh so vulnerable and fragile and I bet that suites your hero-complex perfectly. But newsflash big brother, Peyton isn't fragile, she's cold as ice… Don't get me wrong, the girl has a place in my heart but she's been emotionally closed off ever since her first mom died, and however sad that is, it's still true. Peyton is only herself when she's with Brooke and after you came into the picture I'd say not even then."

All too aware that he is the reason that the girls everlasting friendship is broken, Nathan's last words hits him like knives. But Nathan seems to be on a war-path, because he just keeps going.

"You do know why Brooke let you go after mine and Haley's wedding, right?"

And Lucas does. But it still hurts to say it so he bends his head and returns to his shuffling of the gravel.

"Because I kissed Peyton in the library… and because I didn't miss her enough. At least that's what she said…"

Nathan rolls his eyes as if feeling extremely tired. "Not even you can be that dense! She left you because your precious Peyton went and told her that she loved you. And being the insecure girl Brooke is, she couldn't handle losing you again. So instead of waiting around for you to pick Peyton over her once more, she let you go hoping that maybe you would stick around and prove her wrong. But what did you do, you stupid ass? You just shrugged and went to spend all your free time with Peyton, proving she was right all along…"

"Hey, wait a minute…"

Nathan keeps talking but Lucas stops listening for a moment. What had his brother just said? That Peyton told Brooke that she… No. He must have misunderstood something here.

"What did you just say?" he asks Nathan, interrupting his brother's angry stream of words.

"That you're an asshole?"

"No, before that… What did Peyton say to Brooke?"

He couldn't have heard right. Peyton wouldn't do that to Brooke, and if she had, then Brooke surely would have told him. Right?

Nathan repeats the words, slower this time as if he is little kid that Nathan is explaining something really complicated to.

"Peyton proclaimed her love for you to Brooke at the rehearsal dinner. She said that she still had feelings for you…"

He hears Nathan loud and clear this time and suddenly more bits fit the puzzle. Especially about why Brooke had been so upset at the wedding and why she had brought up all those things earlier, about him not ever picking her over Peyton.

"Are you sure about this?" he asks quietly. "I mean, why didn't Brooke tell me? I would have behaved differently…"

Nathan doesn't answer but his eyes tell Lucas all he needs to know. And then Nathan sighs and turns to leave. But before he walks off he gives Lucas one last glare and hisses;

"As I just said Luke, you're just clueless aren't you?"

--------------

More than an hour has passed since Brooke left the party and Nathan calls her cell phone for the fiftieth time. And just as the previous forty-nine times he instantly gets re-directed to her voice mail. He has already left too many messages so he just hangs up.

He knows that if she's somewhere close to the Blue Post she would probably be 'out of area' but he had already been there and the bartender had said that he hadn't seen Brooke tonight. So there were three possible reasons to why she wasn't answering his calls. Either she just didn't want to talk to him or she was outside of city limits, maybe in another bar, too drunk to pick up the phone. The third reason is scarier, and thinking of it makes him frown. What if something had happened to her? If he knew her as well as he thought, then Brooke was really drunk by now and as usual she had been in rather revealing clothes. Someone could have dragged her off somewhere. She could have been mugged or hurt or… or raped…

For a second he's fifteen again, thrown back in time to the moment when he was just opening the door to the guest-room in his fathers beach-house.

But then he grabs the steering-wheel a little tighter and shakes his head to get rid of the unwelcome pictures the thoughts painted.

"Brooke is probably fine" he once again tries to tell himself. She has been on her own, doing crazy things, for a long time and he has to tell himself that she is old enough to manage on her own now. The first time she bought beer at a club with a fake-id she hadn't been a day over fourteen and a half. "But then why am I feeling so bad about this", he thinks and nervously dials her number again. "If I'm so sure she's fine, then why can't I just drop it and go home and sleep?"

There's still no answer and he knows why he's feeling bad. It's because the last two times that she'd been drunk lately she has shown him that maybe she couldn't take care of her self anymore. And he gets this icy feeling in his stomach at the thought of failing her again.

This last year he has almost forgotten how he used to worry about her. And he has to admit to himself that she had been happy with Lucas. Really happy. Still, driving around like this and looking for her brings back memories he really doesn't want to face.

Her facial expression in the car before she drove off doesn't make him any calmer, rather the opposite, and he remembers her words.

"_Don't worry Nate, I'm going… you don't have to take care of me."_

"Damn it Brooke!" he mutters and slams the steering-wheel with his fist. "Where the hell are you?"

He suddenly realizes that he can call Rachel and he searches for her number in his phonebook. He still has it after she went all stalkerish on him after the accident on the bridge and he mutters to himself for not thinking of this sooner. He finds it and hits the call-button, then waits as the signals pass.

"Hello?"

Rachel's voice is sleepy on the other end.

"Rachel? It's Nathan. Is Brooke with you?"

"Nathan… No…" she says confused as if she's not really awake yet and he want to reach through the phone and shake her. "…And although I enjoy a booty-call as much as the next girl, I _am_ sleeping Nate… what's the problem?"

"She's not with you? Where would she go then? A bar? And not the Blue Post, I've already checked there…" His pulse is rising by the second and the images of Brooke lying somewhere in a ditch is back in his head.

"I don't know anything about a bar… I left with this guy in the middle of the game-party and I didn't see her there so I figured that she was somewhere talking to Lucas… Have you been to the house? Maybe you should check in Lucas' bed…"

Rachel is actually sounding a bit worried now as well even though she tries to cover it up with her usual nonchalant tone. And he puts two and two together. Rachel is not in the house since she is at some guy's place where she had fallen asleep thinking that Brooke had gone home. But if Rachel is sleeping and Brooke isn't in Rachel's house, then where the hell is Brooke?

"She's not home and she's definitely not with Lucas. Do you have any idea where else she could be?"

"If she's still out she'd probably be at this nightclub on the corner of Lexington and Maple Drive. That's where she met Nick…"

Angrily he slams the phone shut and turns the car around. Sure, Brooke might be in that nightclub, but inside he knows that it doesn't really matter if he finds her there or not. Because she'll be drunk and emotionally hurt and all he'll be able to do is drag her out to the car, drive her home and maybe even get her to cry some on his shoulder. But he won't be able to make all this better. He won't be able to comfort her, because even though they've hardly even talked during the last year and a half he still knows her well enough to know that he is not what she needs right now. She needs someone else, more specifically the guy that he had been trying to keep her away from the last couple of weeks.

He pushes down the gas-pedal a little harder, speeding back the way he came from, and dials another number on his cell phone. Once the person picks up on the receiving end he sighs and says:

"Luke… Are you still at the party? Look man, I don't want to argue, just go out to the driveway and I'll be there to pick you up in five minutes. I need your help bro… I can't find Brooke…"

-----------------

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Author's note: So tell me what you think. I'd love to get to know what you like and don't like.

/Lynn


	12. I know that you're wounded

**Author's note:** Are you guys very angry with me? Try to remember that this week I've updated both** Girl Behind The Red Door **and this story so that should earn me some bonus-points, right? Well for all that its worth, this story always takes me a little longer because it's harder for me to write, even though I myself like it better than my other one. :)

Anyways… Big, big **BIG** thank you's for all the wonderful reviews, especially to Awhero who seems to have taken time to review almost all the chapters lately, and to WyaRose for your awesome PM.

The title and lyrics is from the song 'Pain' by Three Days Grace

**---**

* * *

**CHAPTER 12 – I know that you're wounded**

_Pain, without love  
Pain, I can't get enough  
Pain, I like it rough  
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all_

"People have scars…" Brooke thinks and empties another shot of tequila into her mouth "…in all sorts of unexpected places. And together all these scars just mount up to the person that you become."

But in her own case it really doesn't mount up to anything at all. Just to a pile of shit. All her scars have made her a mosaic of scattered pieces and she has no control anymore. Every day is just a constant struggle of keeping herself together and trying to match up to peoples expectations. And lately she's not doing that very well… She can't even make out which wounds that hurt the most anymore. The new wounds? Or the old ones that were supposed to have healed completely by now?

She looks around, searching for anything remotely close to familiar, but it's all fuzzy. She's slipping in and out of a haze, the alcohol taking over more and more of her senses, and a weird giggle bursts out of her. A strange sound that is a mixture between a laugh and a sob, and it unsettles her. It unsettles her because the sound makes her aware that she is alone in a crowd of people and no one here even knows her name.

Her heart is literally racing, and her surroundings seem too bright and vibrant, as if she has wandered into some kind of psychedelic dream. All sharp colors and fuzzy edges, the people around her malformed like in a fun-house.

"I need to get out of here" she thinks and slowly starts to slide off the chair. But her balance is gone and she sits back down. "Oops… too late…" she whispers. And then she picks up the last shot in a row of ten and downs it.

---------------

Lucas shifts his weight from his left foot to his right and then back again. Behind him, back at the house, the party is still in full swing and the music is blaring out through the open front doors. He's waiting for Nathan, scoping for the car down the empty street, and thinking about the last five minutes. How could five minutes contain so much?

When Nathan called him he had been in the upper hallway of Bevin's house, looking for Peyton. He had looked for her for a while and had just spotted her coming out from the bathroom when the cell phone buzzed in the pocket of his jeans.

_For a second he though of not answering it but then he realized that it could be Brooke. He quickly got it up and answered it without even looking at the display._

"_Brooke?"_

"_No Luke… it's Nathan. Are you still at the party?"_

_His brother sounded rushed and disconnected. _

"_Yeah…"_

"_Look man, I don't want to argue, just go out to the driveway and I'll be there to pick you up in five minutes. I need your help bro… I can't find Brooke…" _

_Nathan hung up without explaining any further and Lucas found himself staring at the phone. The digital clock on it told him that it was 2 AM and that almost an hour had past since Nathan left. Brooke hadn't answered a single one of his many calls but he had been sure she was safe, cuddled up next to his little brother somewhere, pouring her heart out to Nathan about how much she hated him, and he had decided to give her some space… _

_But if an hour had already passed since Nathan left the party to go and look for Brooke, then that meant that his brother must have looked everywhere by now._

_His thoughts were interrupted by someone putting a hand on his shoulder and he looked up to see Peyton. She looked a little drunk and the anger he had felt ever since talking to Nathan in the garden came rushing back in full force. Especially when she tilted her head to the side and tried to look concerned, saying;_

"_Is there a problem with Brooke?"_

_He frowned, wondering how the hell she could even ask him that after what she had done but then he realized that Peyton didn't know that he knew. _

"_Yeah, you know what? There is actually a PROBLEM with Brooke…" he hissed. "And I think you know what it is, since I heard you were the one that caused it!"_

_Peyton suddenly looked pale and her mouth opened into a surprised 'oh'. But she didn't say anything which just made him even angrier._

"_Why would you go and tell Brooke you love me? Huh? Couldn't you have told me instead?" His voice got louder and he tried to keep himself calm, because screaming at her wouldn't help, he knew that. "I mean really Peyton, why not just tell ME? Unless this was some stunt you pulled just to keep me and Brooke apart?! Because if you would have come to me, then I could have told you to forget it! I love Brooke, Peyton. I LIKE you but I LOVE her! How can you NOT know that?"_

_Frustrated he slammed his fist into the railing of the upper hallway stairs and bore his eyes into Peyton's. She looked away and mumbled something he couldn't hear._

"_What?" he asked, still trying to calm down, and she looked up again. Her eyes were wet with tears but somehow it didn't get to him. It felt fake to him and instead of feeling sorry for her, her tears just reminded him of Brooke and how she had looked at him just before she kissed him earlier._

"_What Peyton?" he ushered again and she shook her head._

"_I knew that you loved her, okay?" she whispered. "And I didn't tell you because I knew that it wouldn't do any good…" Then she threw her hands out as a sign of giving up and continued with a louder voice. "But I wanted her to know what she had! I wanted Brooke to realize that she was lucky!"_

_Lucas just looked back at her in disbelief. "Lucky? You think Brooke is Lucky?" This was not what he had expected her to say. He expected her to deny all of it, to tell him she didn't say those things to Brooke or that she had, but then realized that she was wrong._

"_You have to be kidding me…" he muttered and turned to leave. Peyton reached out to him again but he brushed her hand away angrily. There was no use in having this discussion and Nathan was probably waiting for him out on the street. But she looked at him with begging eyes and took another step towards him._

"_I'm sorry Lucas…"_

_He squinted, taking yet another step back. "Yeah, I bet you are."_

He had just left Peyton standing there and rushed outside. When he went looking for Peyton he had meant to have a longer talk with her, going to the bottom with all this crap, but right then he felt like it didn't even matter. First he wanted to find Brooke and see to it that she was safe.

He shifts his weight again and shoves his hands deep down into the pockets of his hoody. If something happened to Brooke it would be his fault. Nathan had been right before, he should never have let her drive off in the state she was in, and Nathan, sounding as worried as he had over the phone, just made it all worse.

He's brought back out of his thoughts by the sound of a car's engine and finally the headlights of Nathan's old Honda comes into view. Seconds later he opens the car-door and disappointment is still pooling in his chest as he gets in to sit next to his brother. However messed up this situation is, Peyton was still one of his closest friends and he had confided so much in her this last month. And all along she had known the reason that Brooke kept away from him, making it all worse by constantly clinging to his side. And as he closes the car door, he still can't make sense of why Peyton had done this.

Nathan doesn't even look up and say hi. Instead he starts the car back up and pulls out from the driveway.

"You still haven't talked to her?" he asks as he shifts into second gear and Lucas shakes his head.

"No. I've called her a million times but she won't pick up…"

There is still tension between him and Nathan, their earlier discussion still lingering in the air, and Lucas tries to choose his words wisely. He needs to know why Nathan is so worried but preferably without starting up another fight. He himself is worried too, but it is in his nature to worry. Brooke hadn't nicknamed him 'Broody' for nothing. Nathan on the other hand usually has a kick-back outlook on things and the scared expression on his little brother's face is unusual and unsettling.

"Care to fill me in a little here, Nate?" he tries tentatively and Nathan sighs.

"What do you wanna know? I mean, except for the fact that I have no fucking clue where Brooke is."

"Well, for starters maybe why I never knew that you and Brooke used to be close. Or why you look like you think Brooke is lying dead in a ditch somewhere… Seriously Nathan, you're kind of scaring me here."

Nathan chuckles even though his facial expression is still serious. "Old habits die hard I guess… I just really don't like it when Brooke drinks like this. She has a tendency to go overboard…"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the Brooke you know is fun, loving, cute and pretty mature, right? And you might be aware that she hasn't always been like that, but you don't KNOW the old Brookie… Not like I do… I mean, have you even met her parents?"

Lucas nods as if Nathan is being stupid, but in all honesty, he has only met them twice during all the time he and Brooke dated, and both those times had been in the hallway of her house. Them leaving on a yet another trip. And after they moved to California last year, he hadn't even heard Brooke talk to them on the phone.

Nathan sees right through him and smirks. "Yeah, whatever man. I guess you know that Brooke has been by herself for a really long time. But when we were fourteen her parents really screwed her over with this Paris-trip. She was supposed to go with them on a real family-vacation but they never showed up… and before that, she worked really hard on trying to impress them. Brooke has never been stupid, she had high grades, she did cheerleading, ballet and for a while she even competed in ice-skating. But that summer she gave up. I guess she figured that there was no use… And I don't blame her. Her parents are as useless as they come… Even worse than mine…"

Hearing Nathan talk about past times is weird in more than one way, and Lucas shifts in his seat. He knows what summer Nathan is talking about, but back then he and his brother had been sworn enemies. He and Haley, Mouth and Skills had often run into Nathan's posse on their way to the movies or the mall and back then their worlds had seemed so far apart. It's weird to think that Brooke had been part of Nathan's world back then, not his own. And it's weird to think that Nathan knew all these things about Brooke that he didn't…

"So what?" he says a little grumpy, the jealousy getting the best of him. "So she partied… but as you said, you were what? Fifteen?… How bad could it really have been?"

"Partied?" Nathan laughs. "Yeah, in Brooke's case I guess you could call that an understatement. She threw herself into the social scene, never missed a chance to be out all night. She was popular before that, but this way she became a queen. We weren't even freshmen yet when me and Brooke started throwing this extreme house-parties and we both had our high school futures in a box. It was fun at first, I mean you've met party-Brooke, she's a really entertaining girl. But then, in the beginning of sophomore year, it started to get out of hand…"

Nathan sighs, turning left out on the freeway, and when he starts talking again his voice is low.

"She got wasted every chance she got and I had lesser and lesser time to hang out with her. Basketball and the pressure from Dan being the main reason, but by then Brooke had gotten me and Peyton together, and the little time I had was usually spent with her. Brooke had her own agenda, mostly full of random boys and cheerleading and Peyton and I were a little too busy with each other to fully understand how badly hurt Brooke really was."

Lucas nods but he's feeling confused by all this. It's like he is listening to a story surrounding people he didn't know. Nathan and Peyton being in love? Brooke being Nathan's best friend?

"See…" Nathan continues. "After the Paris-thing, Brooke closed everything out. She kept coming to me when her parents left for months at the time but she stopped crying or talking about it. I think she just mentally emancipated herself from them. But of course she still felt hurt… and then one night I threw this party…

Nathan trails off in thoughts, gazes out threw the windshield and stays quiet for over a minute. It's like he tries to figure out how to explain all this and Lucas gets anxious.

"What happened?" he asks, pulling Nathan out of the daydreams, and Nathan shakes his head a little.

"Don't get me wrong Luke. What I'm gonna tell you is not a 'reason' for my worry, okay? It's just an example…"

_It was a usual Friday night at the Scott's beach-house. His mother was on a business trip and his father was away playing golf with a couple of colleagues. And as usual Nathan threw a party. If he hadn't done it, Brooke would've, her being the only kid in Tree Hill with even less parental supervision than himself._

_But this weekend it was his turn and he elbowed his way through the crowd of teenagers that filled the living-room. He laughed at the sight of Vegas and Mike doing a drunken dance to some new hit-song and took a swig of his beer, proudly thinking that he had for once outdone Brooke in the alcohol-department. Vegas' big brother had got them beers and vodka to last all weekend if they wanted it to. Usually Brooke got it, how he had no idea, but for being only fifteen, his brunette little friend sure had her ways of flirting people into giving her what she wanted._

_He almost tripped as he made his way towards the kitchen and realized that he had already crossed the line from tipsy to drunk. Other nights when his house was the party central, he tried staying sober to maintain some control of his home, but tonight, after the way his father embarrassed him at the game, he couldn't care less if the entire beach-house got trashed by the teenage crowd. Who cared, right? Damn, he was the king of throwing house-parties and this was just their sophomore year. And if his dad found out he would just crash at Brooke's house for a couple of days, it was always parent-free._

_About fifty people were dancing and drinking in here, most of them juniors and seniors. Because most freshmen and sophomores still had curfews, except for a few like himself, Brooke and Vegas, all forgotten kids of the privileged. _

_Looking into the kitchen, it came to him that he hadn't seen Brooke in ages. He saw Peyton though, sitting on the sink dangling her long legs, and he smiled as a mental slideshow popped up in his head. He had spent the majority of the evening with drinking and making out with her, and he would go back to doing that as soon as he had found Brooke. The cute curly blonde was after all his new girlfriend and Brooke had made it very clear that if he didn't treat her best friend like a princess, she would kick his ass. _

_He laughed and backtracked down the hallway towards the bedrooms while calling for her over the music._

"_Brooke, come on! Let's play vodka-twister…"_

_When had he last seen her? An hour ago? Usually she was the center of the party and he was the one flanking her, making sure she didn't get too wasted or get into too much trouble. But lately she had been a little too eager to drink and frankly he didn't like it. He knew why she did it though. She fled her parents and their way of ignoring her, just as he did with his father and his high expectations, but when his escape-route was basketball, hers seemed to be alcohol and boys. The only thing that bugged him in his alcohol-dimmed brain was that Brooke really didn't seem like she was escaping anymore, she seemed like she had stopped caring altogether. _

"_Whatever get's you trough the day, right?" he thought as he opened the door to the first guestroom, but it was dark and empty._

"_Brooke?" he yelled again, starting to get annoyed by her way of just disappearing. She had better not gone home. She had promised to help him clean all this up before his dad would be back in the morning. And even though he knew she just said that every time to make him throw the party, and never really intended to actually push a broom, he still liked her company while doing it. He hadn't hung out with her in the same way lately, being busy making out with Peyton most of the free time he had, and now, walking around and looking for her, he realized that he hadn't really 'talked' to her in weeks…_

_Truthfully he figured that she was still around here somewhere though, probably making out with some boy to make some other boy jealous. The games of Brooke Davis were never-ending, and he laughed to himself again, thinking that she was something alright, his little partner in crime._

_The second bedroom was empty too and he started thinking that he had missed her in the sea of dancing people in the living-room. He knew he had seen her there earlier, dancing with some junior from the football-team. But that had been before their second round of jelly-shots in the kitchen, right? _

_Then he saw Tim and he grabbed his arm just as his friend where about to turn the corner into the living room._

"_Hey man… have you seen B?"_

_His own voice was slurry and Tim laughed, him being drunk as well. "Yeah sure… everybody has 'seen' Brooke tonight… she made sure of that when played strip poker. But I think she's left dude. She was mad drunk… I'm talking way worse then usual…"_

_Suddenly Nathan didn't feel so drunk anymore. "What do you mean Tim?"_

"_I don't know, she was just way too wasted, but I bet Peyton took her home…"_

_He would have believed that, if not for the fact that Peyton was in the kitchen and she had been with him all night. He kept looking around hoping to spot her while he tried to think of someone else that could have driven her home. Without thinking about it he pushed open the door the last guestroom, the one that he usually slept in. _

Nathan sighs and drives towards the city limits. "Brooke used to drive me crazy back then. She just kept doing all these stupid things when drinking and all my energy went to keeping her in check… I mean jeez… we were just kids. And the more she let loose, the more over-protective I got. But that night I was partying pretty hard myself… Dan had embarrassed the crap out of me on one of the first games of the season so I just wanted to drink and forget…"

Lucas is starting to detect that guilt again. It's creeping over Nathan's features, making him look uneasy and a little pale.

"If I had known…" he says silently and Lucas unconsciously balls his fists, just now realizing that this story might end badly. "If I would have known, then I would've stayed sober… and I would've looked after her better… but I swear, I though she was fine…"

Lucas isn't looking out the window anymore, instead he looks at his brothers profile intently, again saying; "So what happened?"

_As the door slid open Nathan first thought that this room was empty too. But something made him turn on the lights and have a second look. Maybe it was the shoe that laid forgotten just inside the threshold. Even in his drunken state he knew it was Brooke's because she had dragged him around the mall for hours to find them. _

"_Brookie…" he said one more time, this time with worry mixed in with the slurriness in his voice. And then he saw her lying on the floor on the side of the bed. He reached down and shook her slightly but she made no movement, so he did it again and then a third time._

"_Hey, cut it out Brooke! Wake up… this isn't funny…" _

_At this point he wasn't even sure if she was breathing. He thought that he could see her chest, in the minimal tank top she was wearing, almost unnoticeably moving up and down, but she was out cold. He tried pulling her up in sitting position, but feeling her body being all heavy and limp just scared him. He let go of her again and it was when she just fell back down on the floor, still not responding to his voice, that he realized that she might be in real trouble. That's when he picked her up and ran outside. His heart was racing and panic was building up in the pit of his stomach. 'What was wrong with her?' he thought with his still drunken mind spinning with fear. 'Was she dead?' _

_And when Peyton met him in the hallway, her earlier smile turned into a worried frown, he just yelled at her to call an ambulance, while cursing himself for being drunk and careless. In the state he was in he didn't even remember how to do CPR…_

"She had a severe case of alcohol poisoning, with more alcohol in her bloodstream than a grown man…" Nathan sighs. "I have no clue what she was thinking downing that amount of booze but to her defense, I don't think she had a clue why either. Maybe she did, but she never told me… She had to stay in the hospital for almost five days though...and I had no idea how to handle it. God, I was fifteen! And when she was released it wasn't even a week before she was back at the next party, wearing the same smile as always and just plainly refused to talk about it."

Nathan looks pained and guilty and Lucas shifts in the seat. "So what did you do?"

"That's when I told her that I'd had enough…"

_You're sick of feeling numb  
You're not the only one  
I'll take you by the hand  
And I'll show you a world that you can understand_

---------

Brooke has stopped drinking now. Not because she wants to, but because the young bartender plainly refuses to serve her another drink. And she leans against the counter of the bar for support while trying to focus on all the dancing couples. She can't make out the faces but something looks familiar with the couple closest to her. The blond guy holds the much smaller, dark-haired girl in his arms and they're laughing. They look like they're in love and their dance seems to be more of a playful game than a sensual swaying, and she feels herself smile when she suddenly remembers.

"_Look at me" he laughed. "I call this one 'studio 54'."_

_Lucas made a silly move, pulling his hands in front of his face in v-shaped signs and she burst out in giggles herself._

"_Seriously baby, you know that you look ridiculous, right?"_

_Instead of saying something back, he simply pulled her to him and kissed her deeply. His tongue found its way into her mouth and she met it hungrily, savoring his taste. Around them their friends were laughing and dancing too and she couldn't help but to feel insanely happy. This weekend felt like a turning-point. An end to the last month of greif, and she felt stupid that she had refused to go on this outing at first. The trip to Rachel's cabin had turned out so much better than she thought, and this night at the local nightclub was just icing on the cake._

"_I love you" she murmured into the kiss, and she could feel his lips stretch into a wide grin._

"_You only say that to make me forget that you just dissed my wonderful dancing-skills…"_

_She pulled back, laughing out loud and said "In your dreams gorgeous!"_

_And when his fingers dug into her sides and started tickling her, making her laugh until she was completely breathless, she decided that when everything calmed down, after Haley's and Nathan's wedding, she would tell him how much she really needed him. But not now when he was still hurting over the loss of Keith. Not now when they for the first time in weeks were actually happy…_

Although she never did tell him… she never got to it, and just weeks after that trip, her and Lucas were broken up and not even on speaking terms…

Someone taps her shoulder, waking her up from her memories, and she looks up. The bartender with the kind eyes seems to be trying to get her attention and she shakes her head quickly a couple of times in order to try and sober up.

"Hey Miss…" he says, and watches her closely, even though to her he looks like he has a twin. "I think it's time for you to head home… Actually, I think it's been that time for a while now…"

She hears him but she doesn't really understand. 'Home? What home?' It's not like she really has one.

"I might as well stay here" she slurs, but the young guy just smiles.

"You can't do that Miss, and if you don't leave soon the door-man will 'help' you and then I'll get into trouble… see, I don't really think that your name is Gretchen, am I right?"

She's too drunk to become embarrassed, but she ponders her possibilities. She can't drive home, hell she probably can't even walk out of here on her own… and she's so tired that she just wants to lay her head down on the bar-counter's cool surface and sleep for days.

"My phone is in here somewhere…" she says and pulls her purse towards her, spilling half the content on the floor, and the bartender grabs her cell just seconds before it smashes into the ground.

"Do you want me to call someone?" he asks and she nods. For a second she is still lost in her memories and she is about to say 'Lucas', but at the last moment she changes her mind.

"Yeah, call Nathan… just tell him to come get me…"

-------------------

_This life is filled with hurt  
When happiness doesn't work  
Trust me and take my hand  
When the lights go out you will understand_

Lucas sits silent beside him in the front seat as they pull away from the third bar they've checked during the last twenty minutes. His brother hasn't said much in a while and Nathan looks over at him. Lucas looks pale and stiff in the seat next to him and he wonders what his brother is thinking. But Lucas just squints as if thinking physically hurts, and keeps his gaze on the road ahead. And Nathan sighs again.

"She's tough" he says mostly to himself. "She usually tries to hide her feelings, but if you make an effort to get through her shell, she's worth it…"

Lucas huffs back; "I know that Nate! I've loved her for some time now, remember?"

"I know you know… I just don't want you to forget it." And as they drive into the parking lot of the fourth bar, he pats his older brother's shoulder. "You know, after you dumped her the first time, I stood ready to step back in and pick up the pieces. Even though we weren't even close anymore at the time… I was sure that she would break down, but it was never needed. Not even after she found out about the cheating." He laughs dryly at the memory. "Sure, there was the little incident with Niki, when Haley threw that party in my apartment, but that was more my fault. I should have known better than to ask her to come when I knew that you and Peyton would be there… But you know, then I realized why the real breakdown never came…"

He looks at Lucas again now and this time Lucas actually turns towards him.

"Why?"

"Well, she never really let you near her the first time you two were together. She loved you, no doubt, but at the same time you were more like her usual boy-toy's… The second time though, she just jumped right in there without safety net. Just handed you her heart that was already smashed to pieces. And that's what broke her Luke. She REALLY tried trusting you this time…"

Lucas doesn't answer and right then Nathan's phone buzzes next to him. The name 'Brooke' lights up on the display and he breathes out thankfully. He answers it and listens as a guy introduces himself as Chad, a bartender at a nightclub just a couple of blocks away, and then Nathan quickly interrupts him.

"Is she okay?" he asks sternly and Lucas flinches in the seat next to him. When hearing the guy say 'yes, she's just really drunk' he nods at Lucas to assure him that everything will be alright and then he hangs up and turns the car in the middle of a T-section. They drive on in silence again. But something in his blond brother's worried face makes Nathan think that if Brooke would ever trust Lucas again, it would all work out.

Although knowing Brooke, he also knows that this will probably never happen…

-----------------

The music is banging all the way out in the street when Nathan parks the car at the curb and pulls the keys out of the ignition. On the other side of the road, Lucas sees Brooke's little powder-blue beetle parked in a strange way.

"I can't believe she drove all the way here… Brooke knows better…" he mumbles, but Nathan rolls his eyes and sighs.

"She knows she shouldn't be driving drunk, especially since she herself founded 'DW not I', but I told you Luke, tonight she doesn't care…"

Lucas' chest tightens up and he feels more guilty by the second. "Because of me?" he asks and Nathan nods and gets out of the car.

"Yeah, among other things…"

Lucas shuffles out after him and slams the car door shut. He has never been to this club before but Nathan confidently walks up to the guy at the door and gives him a strong handshake, saying; "What's up man…" And the big muscular man just raises his head in a small nod and pushes the door open for them. Nathan walks in, and Lucas follows him quickly before the bigger man changes his mind.

The club is nothing like the Blue Post, the music is much louder, the multicolored lights are blinking and there are people everywhere. The crowd seems to be older, somewhere in their late twenties, and Lucas searches the many faces, trying to catch a glimpse of a certain brunette. And after just minutes he actually sees her. She's by the bar, slumped against the counter. She is wearing the same purple top and her dark brown hair falls down on her back, and even though he doesn't see her face he recognizes her instantly. His heart takes a leap in his chest seeing that she is alive and at least close to well.

"She's over there Nate" he says loudly to his brother over the pumping music, but Nathan is already walking towards her. The earlier jealousy starts to come back and deep in his mind he wishes that he was here alone and that he would be the one to save Brooke. And as if Nathan can read his mind, his dark-haired brother turns and points at him.

"Listen Luke, Brooke needs a friend right now… she doesn't need you to protect her or _save_ her, she needs honesty and for you to tell her like it is…"

He nods, not really sure what Nathan means, but follows him to the bar. And getting closer he sees that she is asleep with her head rested on her folded arms on the counter. Nathan exchanges some quick words and a handshake with the bartender before rounding up Brooke's purse and the shoes that she has obviously kicked off sometime during her drinking-spree. Then his younger brother turns to him with a stern look and just says; "Grab her, we're leaving" and walks back towards the entrance.

Lucas looks down on his sleeping ex-girlfriend and takes a shaky breath before carefully picking her up in his arms. Her head lolls against his shoulder and she murmurs something in her sleep.

He thinks about how strange it is that even though she is wasted nest to unconsciousness, and her make-up is smudged, she is still the most beautiful creature he's ever seen.

'God, I love this crazy girl', he thinks, as he follows Nathan out into the dark night. 'Why can't she just see that?'

_I know that you're wounded  
You know that I'm here to save you  
You know I'm always here for you  
_

_Trust me I've got a plan  
When the lights go off you will understand_

---------------

Brooke wakes up in a dark room and she blinks a couple of times to be sure that she isn't still dreaming. She doesn't have a hang-over, she is still too drunk for that, but she feels disoriented. A vague memory of being in a car with the two Scott brothers makes her take a chance.

"Luke?" she says with a dry and raspy voice that she hardly recognizes herself. "Nate?"

A figure walks up to the bad and sits down beside her, carefully stroking away her tangled hair from her face.

"I'm here, pretty girl… I'm right here…"

She closes her eyes again and when she opens them moments later Lucas is lying next to her on the bed, on his back with his hands locked behind his neck. Her eyes start to get used to the darkness and after a while she can make out his worried facial expression as he silently watches the little cracks in the ceiling.

Maybe he can feel that she is watching him because he turns and looks at her.

"How are you feeling?" he says softly and she doesn't know what to answer so she just shrugs a little.

She can see in his eyes that he still thinks that she is too drunk to be aware, but she knows where she is now. The wallpaper and the bed-linnens are well known, and they tell her that she's in Lucas' room, in the Roe-house where she hasn't set her foot in weeks.

By now she is also sober enough to catch his familiar scent and to feel the heat radiating from his body so close to hers. And she is sober enough to realize that she shouldn't be lying here next to him, yet she sneaks her hand in under the fabric of his t-shirt. He breathes in sharply when she touches his naked skin and he tenses his body as if he is scared. She rests her palm against his warm and muscular torso, right over where his heart is, and the rhythmic beat makes her feel safe.

She knows him though, knows him better than he'll ever know, and she knows that he's going to pull away soon. Even though she is still drunk she can tell that he is scared of getting to close to her since he wouldn't want to take advantage of this vulnerable situation. But right now she needs him to keep her feeling this protected, and the alcohol lets her forget for a moment that she also needs to protect her heart. So she moves even closer and buries her head in the crook of his neck. And then she whispers;

"Just hold me…"

* * *

-----------------

**Author's note:** That's it for now. But in the next chapter there is lots of BL-interaction to look forward to. And of course some Brathan-friendship, cause lets realize it, what would this story be without that?

As usual, please review.

/Lynn


	13. Don't give up on me

**Author's note**: Time for another update. :) I know its been a while but I was in LA for about two weeks visiting friends and I honestly didn't get any writing done there. I hope you like this though, and KNOW that I am in love with every single review.

This title and lyrics are from a song called 'I shall Belive' with Sheryl Crow and the chapter goes out to Cami and my little tutor-girl Casey.

--------

* * *

**CHAPTER 13 – Don't give up on me **

_Come to me now  
And lay your hands over me  
Even if it's a lie  
Say it will be alright  
And I shall believe_

When Lucas wakes up it's already 9 o'clock and he silently curses for over-sleeping. In all the commotion last night he had forgotten to set the alarm-clock and now he's almost an hour late for school.

He turns in the bed to find that he's alone and seeing that Brooke's things are gone he sighs. In true Brooke Davis-fashion she has of course already left, sneaking out like a thief in the night, and only a small dent in the mattress beside him tells him that having her there hadn't been a dream. This is not the first time. She used to disappear just like this in the beginning when they first started dating, always leaving him feeling a bit confused when he woke up. But this morning he's not really confused, on the contrary he's actually not surprised at all. And he should have expected her to just wait for him to fall asleep before she left him without a word. But then he sees the message from her on the nightstand. A note written in her loopy handwriting on a piece of his note-book paper. And it simply holds two words;

_Thank you._

He reads it several times and even if it's not a complicated message he's not sure how to interpret it. Knowing Brooke he's sure that she doesn't mean 'thank you for bringing me home' or even 'thank you for taking care of me'… No, in fact he's sure that even though 'thank you' should be a positive thing, this is not a positive message…

Shuffling out of bed and into the shower he thinks about the events last night. As usual nothing had gone the way he planned, or the way he hoped. After leaving the bar and putting the still sleeping Brooke in the backseat, Nathan had decided that driving Brooke home to Rachel's house was a bad idea. Rachel was probably not even home yet, and neither himself nor Nathan wanted to leave her alone when she was as drunk as she was. So Nathan had driven here instead. His mother is away visiting relatives and it just seemed easier than waking up a pregnant Haley at almost 4 am. Although after the way Nathan had tried keeping Brooke away from him the last couple of weeks, he is still surprised that his brother had been okay leaving her with him when she was almost unconscious.

He and Nathan had had another heated discussion in the car on the way back when Nathan kept pulling over to the side of the road to check that Brooke was breathing, even though he, who was sitting in the backseat with her, kept telling Nathan that she was alright. And finally he just snapped;

"_I'm not an idiot Nate, I CAN take care of Brooke, you know! I'm telling you she's fine! She's just drunk…"_

_Nathan started the car back up and cursed between his teeth before looking at him in the rearview mirror._

"_You think?! Are you forgetting the reason that she is in this shape, huh?"_

_He opened his mouth to yell back at Nathan but remembered that Brooke was still beside him, so he lowered his voice even more. _

"_I never meant to hurt her and what happened tonight was just a big misunderstanding… I know that if Brooke only allowed me to explain we can sort all this shit out."_

_The last part he wasn't so sure of, but he was tired of having Nathan placing blame. He just wanted to make everything okay but when he stroked Brooke over the hair he could see Nathan rolling his eyes in the mirror._

"_Sure, I believe that when I see it…_

And then Nathan had told him that if he ever hurt Brooke again, in any way, he would knock his teeth out.

He had been pretty annoyed by Nathan's immature threats but on a sidenote he was still pleased. Because in some strange way it had also been his brother's way of telling him that he would give him one last chance at earning Brooke's trust back, and that as long as he treated her well, Nathan wouldn't interfere.

So Nathan dropped them off, after making him promise to call if anything happened, and he carried Brooke inside and put her in his bed. And for the first hour she had just slept peacefully and he had sat in his chair watching her. But then she started dreaming, and from the looks of it not pleasant dreams either. She tossed and turned, seemingly unable to get comfortable and when she called his name he simply laid down beside her in an effort to make her feel safe.

From there on, things just kind of went overboard…

_Brooke's hand sneaked in under his t-shirt and as she trailed the skin on his chest he stopped breathing for a second just by the mere feel of her touch. Then she whispered "just hold me…" into the darkness, just loud enough for him to hear it, and she felt so small in his arms when she nuzzled closer to him. With just that first touch she made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up and he was amazed at the effect she still had on him. Even drunk of her ass, with her make-up smudged and her hair and clothes in a mess, she only had to put a hand on his skin in order to make him shiver and his heart to beat twice as fast._

_At first he hesitated, but he heard the urgency in her voice and he couldn't deny her the safety she asked for. Honestly, he had always been bad at denying her things. So he wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on the top of her head. Her body formed itself after his and holding her felt so familiar that it was like being thrown back in time, apart from the fact that she smelled like she has taken a bath in tequila. _

_Unwillingly he let out a breath between clenched teeth and softly mumbled "I've got you… don't worry" while rubbing her back in soothing motions. And moments later he could hear her breathing even out. It had been so long since he got to hold her like this. Since she spontaneously touched him._

"_Pretty girl…" he whispered and ran his fingers through her tangled chocolate waves, "Do you even understand how worried I was?"_

_She answered by snuggling closer to him and buried her head in the crook of his neck, and he softly continued; "I know I upset you… but driving drunk Brooke? …you of all people should know better…"_

"_Don't lecture me…" she whispered silently, her voice still sounding weak and small, and without even looking at her he knew that she was biting her lower lip. She always did when she felt guilty. He wasn't really lecturing her, he just wanted her to know that what she had done was really dangerous and to somehow explain to her that he was sorry for upsetting her. But at least she stayed close to him and she didn't remove her hand from its place over his heart._

_Silently he wondered what she would say when she woke up in the morning. She wouldn't ask him to hold her, that was for sure… so in an effort to savor the moment he held her a little tighter._

_She then mumbled something that he couldn't make out but she lied so close that he could feel her lips moving towards the skin of his neck. He shivered again and closed his eyes, feeling slightly guilty that her touch felt so good, and he kept running his fingers slowly through her silky hair._

_The tiredness was creeping in over him too now. Sleepily he thought that whatever the morning would bring, holding Brooke like this would be enough to have him smiling for days… but it would also make it so much harder for him not to be able to do this when ever he wanted to. _

_And since he was so sure she was sleeping by now he was surprised when she moved again in his arms, this time to caress his skin softly with her hand that was still under his shirt. At first he thought it was just her moving in her sleep but the caress didn't stop there. Her hand traveled his body slowly, down his torso, over his stomach and down towards the waistline of his jeans._

"_Brooke…" he whispered breathlessly. "What are you doing?"_

_In the darkness he couldn't see her face but he felt her eyes on him. And then, before he even saw it coming, her lips met his. Hot, sweet and soft against his own. And for the first second he hesitated, thinking that nothing in kissing a drunk Brooke was right, but just the mere feeling of her so close to him had already thrown him off, and her kiss just made him turn on the autopilot. Close out his guilt._

_She never answered him, she just deepened the kiss, and within seconds he met her tongue greedily. Her hands moved almost feverishly on him and soon she started tugging at his shirt. The little bells of warning were still ringing in the back of his mind but he let her pull the t-shirt over his head and crashed his lips back on hers. Up until then he hadn't really touched her. Not more than the arm that was still wrapped around her from before, but now he couldn't restrain himself any longer and he pulled her closer, feeling her thigh stroke up against his. Without thinking his hand found its way down and followed her naked smooth leg up under the tiny skirt she was still wearing. _

_His head was spinning from the feel of her peach-soft skin and when she let out that little breathless moan of pleasure that he loved so much, he almost choked. He had missed this so much. Just to touch her and to hear her breathing in his ear. His lips found the delicate skin on her neck and he let his tongue trail it up towards her earlobe. She turned her head to the side, giving him easier access and then started to unzip his jeans. And his hands, that had now found their way up to her breasts, stopped. Something still told him that doing this was wrong. She was supposed to want him as much as he wanted her, and since he knew she was still drunk he felt guilty._

"_I love you Brooke…" he whispered and grabbed her wrists to stop her from going any further. "I've never stopped loving you… but this is wrong. Do you understand that?"_

_She didn't answer. Instead she fought lose from his grip and kept trying to undress him. But he wouldn't let her._

"_I want this as much as you… but I want it when you're sober" he said sadly and raised his head. "You don't know what you're doing right now…" _

_Honestly he wasn't even sure if there was any point having this discussion with her. It was obvious that she still wasn't sober and he also knew she was hurt and somewhat emotional. But he wanted her to understand that this, him pushing her away like this, had nothing to do with his feelings for her. And it was definitely not that he didn't want her… God, he wanted nothing but to grab her, get her naked and devour her entire body with his hands, lips and tongue. Just having her close drove him close to madness, and in his head he was fighting an internal battle with himself. _

_His left hand was still holding Brooke's wrist in a firm grip, keeping her from undressing him further, but his right hand lived a life of its own and kept caressing her skin._

"_Why don't you want me?" she whispered, hurt evident in her voice as if she hadn't heard a word of what he just said. "Don't you even want my body anymore? I thought that was the only hold on you that I had left…"_

"_Don't say that" he answered, saddened that she still thought that. "I've told you countless times lately; I love you. I want you back. But I can't sleep with you if you're going to regret this in the morning. I've hurt you enough…"_

_Carefully he brushed away stray hair from her face and wished that the room wasn't so dark. He needed to see her face, needed her eyes to tell him what she was thinking. But she just sighed in the darkness, a sigh that was so far from the earlier sound of pleasure that he felt physical pain when hearing it, and he pulled her closer again in an effort to show her that none of this meant that he wasn't here for her. _

_She let him hold her, but the connection between them seemed to have disappeared and he kissed her softly one more time. And that's when he felt that her cheeks were wet with tears._

_Silently she whispered something, he couldn't hear it clearly though, but it sounded like 'I've never been enough for you…'_

_And he just kept quiet because he really didn't know what else to say._

-----

For the first time in ages Brooke Davis has walked to school. Rachel had already left when she got home and since her car was still parked somewhere outside some bar she really hadn't had a choice.

And now, when she enters the school-corridor merely an hour late, she is really starting to regret coming at all. Because the first face she sees is Nathan's face and the look on it is stern.

The last bell is sounding, telling the students that it's time to hurry off to second period, but Nathan lingers, leaning towards the locker next to hers while she puts her bag away and takes out what she needs for Algebra.

"I didn't think that you would show up today" he says with a nonchalant tone, and his eyes that scans her appearance tells her that he's wondering if she's even sober enough to be here.

"I can't really afford to miss any more classes… I'm already flunking Calculus and as long as Nick… I mean, Mr. Chavez teaches English Lit I guess I'll be seeing an F on my report-card in that class too."

She roams around in her locker much longer than she needs to in hopes that Nathan will leave for class. She doesn't want to meet his eyes and she is way too tired for a long lecture from him about last night. But Nathan stays put and she really should have known he would since he's almost even more stubborn than herself. And when she finally looks up and closes her locker, his eyes are a little softer.

"So… how are you feeling?" he asks and takes her books from her as they start walking.

"Honestly?"

"Yes Brooke. Honestly."

She laughs dryly before saying; "Like my tongue is wearing a sweater…" and Nathan raises an eyebrow. "What? A sweater?"

"Yeah, a knitted wool-sweater… and my head is about to explode… but I know what you're going to say. I only have myself to blame… Just suck it up, right?"

Nathan just rolls his eyes at her comment and pulls her into a sideways hug. He seems a little apprehensive, like as if he's thinking that she will yell at him or something, and she knows why. So she cuts him off before he has a chance to answer.

"I'm also feeling like the most stupid person on earth. Seriously Nate, how could you leave me with Luke last night? Huh? Was that my punishment for getting drunk?"

Nathan winces a little and sighs.

"Well, would you rather have had me wake up Haley? She would have yelled at your drunk ass until your ears fell off and you _know_ it…"

She shrugs now and for some reason tears pool in her eyes. She wants to go back home and sleep. She's hung-over beyond what she ever thought possible and she wants to throw her arms around Nathan's neck and cry for hours, but if she's ever going to pull through a whole day of school, then that isn't really an option. So instead she goes into defensive mode.

"At least then I wouldn't have made a complete fool of myself" she hisses and turns her gaze to the floor. "You just shouldn't have left me with _him,_ Nate. That wasn't fair of you…"

The corridor is empty now and Nathan softly grabs her arm to stop her. "Why B? He really wanted to take care of you, and I mean it, it really seemed like the best option since Karen was away and Rachel wasn't home…"

When she still won't look at him he grabs her other arm too and turns her towards him. "What happened Brooke? He promised that he would just keep an eye on you while you slept the alcohol off and then he would drive you home before school…"

Now it's her time to roll her eyes as she thinks 'I wish…' And then, with a quick wipe with her sleeve, she dries away the tears that are threatening to fall and stubbornly stares at the dark-haired boy.

"Maybe he would have if I hadn't acted like a completely desperate slut and begged him to sleep with me…"

In seconds Nathan's face goes from concerned to furious. "He SLEPT with you?!" he yells and his voice booms in the empty hallway. "What the HELL?!"

The echo of his loud voice hasn't even died down before she yells back; "No he _didn't_! That's the problem, okay?!" The tears come pouring out now, unstoppable, and she covers her face in her hands, sobbing; "But being the stupid, stupid girl I always am, I really wanted him to…"

Behind her she hears someone take a deep breath and she spins around. Lucas is standing a couple of feet away, looking like he has no clue what to do. And it all just gets too much for her. So before neither of the Scott-brothers has a chance to stop her, she runs into the nearest bathroom and locks the door.

She slides down and leans her back towards the cold clinker-wall with hot salty tears running down her cheeks. And she feels ashamed. The way he pushed her away last night had hurt so much, but now when she's sober she starts to realize how desperate she must have looked in his eyes.

Her memories from the night before are vague at best. Blurry memories of Nathan yelling at Lucas in a car passes by in her head like pieces of a puzzle, even though she can't remember what he was yelling about. She can't remember how she ended up in Lucas' bed but she _does_ remember being in Lucas' arms… and she distinctly remembered him saying;

"_I love you Brooke. I've never stopped loving you…"_

The only problem is that past experiences has taught her that his 'I love you's' usually doesn't mean a thing.

----

Lucas just stands rooted in the same spot looking confused and Nathan isn't sure what just went down. From what he understands, his blonde brother has for once done the right thing when he didn't take advantage of Brooke, but Brooke seems sadder then ever so there must be some information here that he has missed.

"What the hell happened last night, Luke?" he asks and looks at the door that Brooke has just slammed shut. "I thought you said that you wouldn't hurt her again?"

Lucas sighs and takes an apprehensive step towards the girls bathroom before seemingly changing his mind and stopping again.

"I have to talk to her Nathan…" he mumbles. "She doesn't understand that I just didn't want her to do something that she would regret. I didn't want her to hate me even more than she already does…"

Seeing the sad puppy-dog look on Lucas' face Nathan rolls his eyes and sighs. For the millionth time lately he's confronted by the total miscommunication between his brother and Brooke and he suddenly feels so tired. Why can't they talk like ordinary people? Just tell each other what they felt and clear all this shit up…

He had just been about to follow Brooke but now he shrugs and nods in the direction of the door. "Then go Luke. You're on your own in this one, but remember what I said last night. Crush her and I'll make you pay for it, okay?"

His brother nods and Nathan sees him walk over and open the door. He's probably going to regret making this decision later. Leaving Brooke and Lucas alone to deal with their problems hadn't really worked out so well lately. But as he himself hurries of to his algebra-class he tries to push those thoughts to the back of his brain. He has to let them sort this out and he has his own problems. College, basketball and trying to figure out how to support Haley and their baby. And there is also the 'small' detail of his mom being in rehab… God, when did life get so fucking complicated?

"The last thing I need is even more fighting between Brooke and Lucas" he thinks as he turns the hallway corner. Under his arm he still carries Brooke's algebra-books and he stops for a second and shoves them into his bag. If he knows her correctly she won't be using them. Because if he knows her correctly she will not be seen in any classes today, maybe not even for the rest of the week.

"Damn it…" he curses and adds 'Brooke maybe flunking out of high school' to the long list of worries.

-----

_I'm broken in two  
And I know you're on to me  
That I only come home  
When I'm so all alone  
But I do believe  
_

Brooke can hear Lucas on the other side of the door to the small bathroom-stall where she is hiding. He has stopped begging her to open the door and now he just seems to silently wait her out. Now and again she can hear him sigh or change his position and she picks up her phone to check what time it is. Thirteen minutes to ten. If he didn't leave soon he would miss the entire second period and probably even be late for their English-class. A class that she herself is planning on skipping. With her still pounding hang-over and the catastrophic start of this day she can't even think about having Nick's eyes bore holes into her head for an hour.

She puts the phone back into her purse and then she hears him stand up. Footsteps sound in the empty space and then a door opens and closes. She breathes out and quickly gets to her feet. If she leaves now, then no one except for Lucas and Nathan would even know she had been here at all.

_Open the door  
And show me your face tonight  
I know it's true  
No one heals me like you  
And you hold the key  
_

With a quick motion she gets the door unlocked and walks out to the big mirror over the sinks. She looks like a complete mess, with bloodshot eyes and mascara running on her cheeks. She turns on the faucet and leans down to wash away the trace of tears. The cold water is refreshing but when she stands up and opens her eyes again she can't help but to let out a small scream. Lucas face meets her in the mirror. He's standing right behind her and he's watching her closely, looking worried.

"You didn't leave" she says, stating the obvious, and he shakes his head.

"No…"

Kind of annoyed that she has fallen for the oldest trick in the book she swings the purse over her shoulder and starts to leave. But Lucas stands in the way of the door and it doesn't look like he's planning on moving anytime soon.

"Brooke…" he tries and reaches for her but she takes a step back, all too well aware that his touch would be lethal for her already crumbling walls.

"Can we please not talk about it? I feel stupid enough as it is…" she mumbles and keeps her eyes to the floor but it doesn't really make a difference. She has looked into his blue eyes so many times that she can see them even if she has her own eyes closed. And he just waits until she finally looks up anyway.

"Why would you feel stupid?" he asks softly when she raises her head. "Didn't you hear what I said last night?"

He takes another step towards her and this time she doesn't back up. There isn't anywhere to go since she is almost backed up towards the wall already. He lifts his hand and touches her cheek. His fingertips feel warm against her skin and she sighs.

"I heard you clearly… I just don't know what to believe Lucas. Lately, everything you say is later taken back or you just prove the complete opposite with your actions…"

Although she can feel her face turning red with embarrassment she still continues; "Like last night… you say you love me and want to be with me, but still you didn't want to touch me? How _should_ I interpret that, huh?"

Tears threaten to fall again and she swallows hard. It's painful to open herself up to him, this blond boy that still holds her heart in such a grip, and she hates that she can't act tougher. 'Where has the old version of me gone?' she thinks and squeezes her eyes shut for a second in order to stop the tears. 'Why can't I just be the bitch I used to be?'

"You should interpret it like this…" Lucas says and she opens her eyes again. He is leaning in closer and with his hand still softly placed on her cheek, he plants a soft kiss on her lips. And the second his lips meet hers she can feel her knees going weak and she knows that she has to leave. Yet she doesn't.

"Don't…" she whimpers and leans towards the cold wall behind her for support. "Don't kiss me unless you really mean it…"

He leans in again, his blue eyes looking straight into hers, and she feels almost hypnotized. Like in slow-motion she sees him lick his lips and she shivers.

"I mean it" he whispers just an inch away from her face. "You don't even understand how much I mean it… I just want to make sure that you mean it too. I mean you broke up with me, remember?"

Without thinking she finds herself nodding. Then, in the corner of the girls bathroom, just as the bell signals that the second period has ended, he kisses her again. And when his tongue finds hers she feels so weak that she has to wrap her arms around him on order not to fall.

_Never again  
would I turn away from you  
I'm so heavy tonight  
But your love is alright  
And I do believe  
_

And she can't help but wonder what the hell she just got herself into…

_That not everything is gonna be the way  
You think it ought to be  
It seems like every time I try to make it right  
It all comes down on me  
Please say honestly you won't give up on me  
And I shall believe  
And I shall believe_

* * *

--------------

**Author's note**: Please tell me what you thought. Lots of BL-love /Lynn


	14. You could mean everything to me

**Author's note**: Hey guys! Here is the new update and if you recognize some of the flashback in the beginning, then it's because it is the scene from last chapter, only this time from Lucas point of view. Personal thank you's for the last chapter's reviews are at the bottom.

I should probably put out a **warning** that the rating T might be a little low for this chapter, because of some 'sexual content' but this is a one timer and i hope that whoever checks these things is satisfied with this warning and doesn't take the story down. If i decide to have more chapters like this one, i'll crank the rating up to M, i promise.

The title and lyrics of this chapter is taken from the song 'Say it Right' by Nelly Furtado. And if the lyrics look unknown to you, then check for the magnificent remix with Eric Right.

Last but not least. This chapter is dedicated to my wonderful Casey, who was the one that talked me into extending the bathroom scene from the last chapter. Casey had the vision, I just wrote it down :)

---

* * *

**CHAPTER 14 – You could mean everything to me **

_Let me just get all inside  
Don't know what's on your mind  
When you're telling me to say it right  
but yet again you call me a Mr. Right  
Wanna know who's playing games  
Confusion knows the pain  
when you tell me what I'm saying is wrong,  
yet you come around and say I've got you strung…_

"How can such a little girl be so strong?" Lucas thinks as he covers the left side of his face with his palm. The slap she gave him had come out of nowhere and she hadn't really put much weight behind it, yet his skin tingles with pain.

"What the hell was that for?!" he yells, making his voice echo loudly in the clinkered school-bathroom and she flinches by the sound. Only minutes ago she had been in his arms, her soft lips against his. And now she is standing on arms length away from him with tense shoulders and her bottom lip trembling. This was not how he wanted things to turn out. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. So where had it all gone wrong?

_Brooke had looked embarrassed and small as he asked her if she hadn't heard what he told her last night and now she looked down and answered; "I heard you clearly… I just don't know what to believe Lucas. Lately, everything you say is later taken back or you just prove the complete opposite with your actions…" Then she almost whispered "Like last night… You say you love me and want to be with me, but still you didn't want to touch me? How should I interpret that, huh?"_

_He could see that she was about to cry and it really pained him that she had misread his actions so completely. He had wanted to touch her so much. He still wanted to. But he had just tried to protect her and to not make their vulnerable bond break even more. _

_She swallowed hard and he just wanted to reach out and wrap his arms around her. Shelter her from everything that were making her sad like this, but the problem was that he was the reason for her tears. Now she was trying to rebuild all the walls between them again and he just couldn't let that happen._

"_You should interpret it like this…" he said and she opened her eyes again. He leaned in closer, and with his hand still softly placed on her cheek, he planted a soft kiss on her lips. And the second his lips meet hers he knew that he could never let her go again. _

"_Don't…" she whimpered and leaned back towards the cold wall behind her. "Don't kiss me unless you really mean it…"_

_But he leaned in again, looking straight into her eyes to reassure her that he had never been more sure of anything before whispering "I mean it" just an inch away from her face. "You don't even understand how much I mean it… I just want to make sure that you mean it too. I mean you broke up with me, remember?"_

_She nodded and just as the bell signaled that the second period had ended, he kissed her again. A slow, searing kiss with which he tried to show her everything that he didn't have words for. And when they finally broke apart she mumbled;_

"_You do understand why I did though, right?"_

"_Did what Pretty girl?" _

_The old nick-name rolled off his tongue as easy as ever and she smiled a little. "Why I broke up with you Luke… why I couldn't stay."_

_But he didn't understand and for some reason he felt like he couldn't lie, so he slowly shook his head no. She looked back at him and tried again. "You don't understand? I didn't trust you Luke, and you kept going back to Peyton… What was I supposed to do?"_

_She was starting to sound impatient again, even angry, and she moved away from him. It wasn't much but it was enough to make him feel cold. And suddenly he felt like all this shit, all the fights and tears and heartache this last month, was her fault. Sure, he knew that what Peyton had done was partly to blame too. But Brooke should have known him better than that. She should have known that he never would have left her for Peyton again, and she should have trusted him._

"_Why couldn't you just forgive me?" he tiredly asked, turning angry himself. "It was just a kiss Brooke! A kiss Peyton gave me in a crisis-situation! Why did you have to close yourself up and dump me instead of talking to me about how you felt? We were good together! And we could have still been good together if you hadn't turned you back on me!" _

_She looked back at him in disbelief, one eyebrow raised. "No Lucas Scott, don't you dare!! You were the one that walked out… long before I did. YOU decided that I wasn't enough for you and YOU chose Peyton over me! I never turned my back on you when we were together! Never!" _

_Her voice grew louder with every word, but as he answered her his own voice sunk down to an ice cold hiss._

"_No? Then how about when you slept with Chris? And really, you didn't waste any time before you slept with that guy Nick… If you loved me so much, then how could you do that?"_

_He didn't even have time to react before her arm pulled back and her palm slapped him hard across his face. The sound when it hit was clear and loud since the silence around them was otherwise deafening. And as he slowly reached up to touch the stinging area he saw her eyes._

_Green eyes, with a dash of brown and gold. Green eyes full of pain. _

_In the day, in the night  
Say it right, say it all  
You either got it or you don't  
You either stand or you fall  
When your will is broken  
When it slips from your hand  
When there's no time for joking  
there's a hole in the plan…_

Honestly, he knows why she slapped him. His beautiful ex-girlfriend has her eyes full of tears and deep inside he knows that he has again managed to hurt her with his comments. But he doesn't want to acknowledge it, not even to himself. He want's to stay angry, because if she is going to push him away again, then being angry is so much simpler. So when her tears well over and she raises her hand to slap him again, he roughly grabs her wrist in mid-air.

"Huh? Why the hell did you just slap me?! You KNOW that I'm right! If you loved me, then why did you go to _him_ Brooke? Answer that!"

Brooke shakes her head and her silky brown hair bounces around her face. She sobs loudly now and when she tries to pull out of his grip and he refuses to let her go, then she gets even more furious.

"Let go of me, you asshole! You have no right to be all high and mighty with me! I don't have to make any apologies for how I choose to repair what _you_ broke!"

"You slept with the fucking English teacher Brooke! Is that supposed to tell me you still loved me? Is that supposed to repair your broken heart? Why am I always the only one that has to fight for you? Why the HELL won't you ever fight for _me_?!"

She finally rips herself loose from his grip and the look she gives him is cold. But behind the glare there is so much hurt that he wants to look away.

"Yes, I slept with him" she yells. "So what? He was there when you weren't! He made me feel like he could just... be _happy_… with me. And he made me feel loved, and brought me back up from a place where I was sinking…"

She shakes her head, venom pouring from her eyes, and she wipes the tears away with her sleeve before she manages to get out; "But good things can't last long in the life of Brooke Davis, now can they? No, he cheated on me… But I bet you already knew that, didn't you?"

The last words are spit out, and his eyes cowardly turn away from hers as he hears her say; "He…was…just…like…you."

She uses his sudden frozen state to get away from him and before he has a chance to react she has rushed back into one of the open stalls and slammed the door shut behind her. He hears the lock click and then the loud sobs coming from inside the closed booth.

_I can't say that I'm not lost and at fault  
I can't say that I don't love the light and dark  
I can't say that I don't know that I am alive  
And all of what I feel I could show  
You tonight you tonight  
_

Frustrated he takes a step forward and bangs his fist on the door.

"Come on Brooke! Don't do this. You can't blame me for all the shit in your life! I'm NOT Nick!"

He wants to scream at her stubbornness, lash out and kick things. And he can't help but feel like the thin piece of wood is mocking him as he can still hear her every breath.

"Why don't you just admit it Brooke?!" he yells. "You're only searching for a way out. You turn everything I do and say around so that you can push me away! But guess what? I'm not buying it anymore, you hear me?!"

"Go away!"

His palm is flat against the door and he wonders what she is feeling right now. If she is just angry at him, or if she just like himself is breaking inside.

"Can't you at least look at me? Is it that bad between us now that you feel like you have to lock yourself in, in order to get away from me?…" he tries again with a little calmer voice. "Please just open the door."

Seconds pass, maybe even minutes, as he silently pleads with her to come out. Didn't they just go through this?

"Please Brooke… Come on…"

And then he hears the sound of the lock and she flings the door open. He had been so close to the door that they suddenly stand face to face with only a couple of inches between them and the smell of green apples from her shampoo fill his nostrils. He takes in the sight of her. Most of her makeup is gone and her eyes are starting to get puffy, but only Brooke can still manage to look beautiful in this state.

"I hate you…" she suddenly hisses and her words hit him much harder then a slap in the face ever could.

"No you don't" he tries dumbfounded, but when she keeps her head held high, her green eyes locked into his blue, then he breathes in and his eyes burn with tears.

She pushes past him but he grabs her arm again, this time holding her harder, and when she still fights to get loose he swings her around and crashes his lips onto hers. She is probably taken by surprise because she stumbles back, almost tripping over her own feet, and since he's still holding her arm she pulls him with her.

For a second he is worried that she'll fall for real and that they'll both crash into the counter behind her but at the last second she regains her balance. She takes another step back and he follows until she has her back up against the wall in the corner by the sinks. She is caught in the tiny space and he can feel her chest rise and fall with every sob as she repeats herself.

"I… hate you…"

Her cheeks are wet with tears and rosy from anger and that spiteful left dimple taunts him, growing deeper with each second as if to say; 'you can't make me happy anymore, you can only make me cry…'

"Don't say that Brooke… don't…"

_You don't mean nothing at all to me  
That's how you make it sound, but yet I'm still around_

_No, you don't mean nothing at all to me  
How do I know you don't need me?_

She is about to open her mouth and spit the three words in his face a third time and he has to stop her. So still hurt, and frustrated that she is making this so god damn hard, he does the only thing he can think of at the moment. He bridges the last few centimeters between them and kisses her again, forcefully prying her mouth open with his tongue. Her lips taste salty from all the tears she's been shedding. Or maybe it is from his own, because by now he is crying too.

Surprisingly this time she answers the kiss and when he lets go of one of her wrists in order to be able to pull her closer, her hand instantly finds its way up to his neck and into his hair. Her other wrist, which he is still holding, is pinned up against the cold clinkers over her head.

"You don't… hate… me…" he chokes out while kissing her. "You… love me… I know you… love…me…"

_But you got what it takes to set me free  
Why don't I feel the same? You make me feel this way_

_Oh, you could mean everything to me  
I could, but you won't let me show it…_

It's not just a kiss anymore. It's a battle for control. All the pent up anger and frustration he has felt surrounding her lately mixes with want, and the way their lips and tongues meet is almost violent. Her nails dig into the skin on his neck and his fingers get tangled in her hair as he pulls her even closer. And all the time during this, even when the first held back moan slips from her, she keeps mumbling;

"I hate you…"

Finally he pushes back. And although fresh tears keep running down both their faces, his hands find their way up under her cashmere sweater. He needs to feel her, for real. He needs to show her that they still belong together, whatever she says.

He has never done this before, kissed her in anger. The closest he has ever come to it had been that night a couple of months ago, during the black-out when they fought about his letter to her and they made up in the rain. But this time there are so many emotions contradicting each other. Need and anger. Lust and tears. Love and pure naked pain.

_You got me thinking this when you act like this is it  
I got to end this quick but somehow I just can't quit  
How can something so wrong feel so right?  
I got to let go before I lose my mind…_

His lips move down to her neck and his kisses probably leave marks but she doesn't pull away. It's like she too is taking out her frustration, desperately pressing herself towards him, and she smells so good, tastes so good, that he doesn't know how to stop this thing he started.

The hoody he's wearing somehow is discarded on the floor and seconds later so is her sweater. Someone can walk in at any second, he knows that, but he can't even pull himself together enough to lock the door. All he wants is her, _all_ of her. And as his hand roams her skin he suddenly hears her words change…

-

She is going to tell him again how much she hates him and she forms the words in her head, but as his hands move from her waistline up to her breasts she instead hears herself breathe out "I need you…" And she is aware that this is the stupidest thing she has done since she hid naked in the backseat of his car a year ago, yet she prays that they won't get interrupted.

Because her needing him is the truth. She is still furious but she needs him in an almost animal-like way that doesn't leave any other options. And she feels like if she doesn't finish this, then she will explode into a million pieces.

His hot breath on her skin feels like fire and where ever his fingers touch her, her skin burns. She doesn't want to love him anymore and she doesn't want to be hurt by a boy the way this blonde Scott-brother has hurt her. But her heart refuses to listen to reason and her senses seem to have taken control over her brain.

"I'm here Brooke" she hears him mumble in the crook of her neck as he runs his tongue over the sensitive spot right below her ear, and his hot breath makes her shiver. "You just have to let me…"

A part of her longs to do just that. To let him. To let him take total control, let him love her, let him in and tell him about all the stuff that has her sleepless at night… But in this moment she settles for letting him touch her. Because sex is easy… and love is so much more dangerous.

He suddenly grabs her waist and lifts her up on the edge of the sink. He doesn't unclasp her bra, there is no time for that. Instead he just pulls the straps down over her shoulders and she gasps deeply when his lips close around one of her nipples. And she throws her head back and moans as his lips travel down the skin of her stomach.

"Why now?" she manages to choke out with her voice raspier than usual. And he comes back up, bringing his face to level with hers. He steps in closer, forcing her to spread her knees to make room for him, and his naked upper body looks tanned and muscular, just as she remembers it.

"Because, Brooke! Because you are the fucking girl I love, and if you wouldn't make this so damn hard then you would have seen that all along!!" he says harshly, and his blue eyes stares straight into hers. "You keep driving me insane with your insecurities but I love you so damn much that it's ridiculous…"

Then he crashes his lips back onto hers and as she presses her body towards him she can feel him being hard. The bell that signals the start of third period rings but the loud sound doesn't even startle her. It just tells her that the corridors will once again be empty and she reaches down between them and unbuckles his belt and unzips his jeans. Her tiny denim skirt is already hitched up on her hips and his hands run over her thighs. He reaches up higher and then takes a step back as he pulls the lacy little panties she's wearing down her legs.

She is the one that tugs at him now. Needing him to be closer. But he goes back to stroking the inside of her thighs higher and higher and her head spins.

_Maybe I want to see if you want me  
Need to know what you would do for me…_

_From my body I can show you a place god knows  
you should know this place is holy, do you really wanna go?_

-

Her skin is peach-soft and hot. His tongue roams every little crevice of her mouth as he strokes his fingers higher up in between her legs. And when he finally reaches her center she moans loudly. She is wet and he's sure that he moans out too just by the feel of her but all he hears are the sounds coming from her. He rubs her bud with his thumb and she spreads her legs even more.

"I need you…" she whimpers again. "I need you now…"

He lets his jeans fall down to his ankles before grabbing her hips and sliding her towards him. And with one push, that makes them both moan out loud, he's inside her. She wraps her legs around his waist and after that it's mostly a foggy mix of senses. Touch, smell, taste, sound…

And as always, she just takes over his world.

-----------------

Nathan puts his pen down and finally gives up on trying to concentrate on the assignment at hand. However much he wants to understand the makings of Oscar Wilde, his brain keeps wondering off to other things. Once again he looks at his watch and wonders what Brooke is doing. She is probably home by now. Either sleeping of her hang-over or obsessing over Lucas. And he is curious to find out how the talk Lucas had with her went, but surprisingly enough his brother isn't here in English-class either.

'They couldn't still be talking, right?' he thinks to himself. Lucas had followed Brooke into the girls' bathroom a little after Algebra had just started and that was almost and hour and a half ago. Suddenly feeling like the decision of leaving his brother and Brooke alone together had been a bad one, he raises his hand.

"Excuse me Sir…" he mumbles. "I need to go to the bathroom."

Mr. Chavez just waves towards the door, not even looking up from the text they're reading, and Nathan shuffles his stuff together and gets up. In the corner of his eye he can see Rachel signing to him. She points towards the empty seat next to her and raises an eyebrow as if to say; 'Where is Brooke?' and he shrugs back in response. He doesn't even know himself.

As he steps out of the English-class he lets out a deep sigh. The last hour has been unbelievably boring, not just because Mr. Chavez is a sucky teacher, but also because since Brooke hadn't been there, no one had been distracting him. Haley was in the tutor-center, working overtime with trying to help her fellow students prepare for their finals, but even when his wife sat beside him, English was always boring without the addition of the bitchy, dimpled little brunette.

He walks down the corridor towards his locker and unconsciously listens for any sign of fighting. But not a sound is heard. And when he reaches the spot where he left Lucas, he hesitates before pushing the bathroom door open. 'No normal person would spend almost two hours in a school bathroom' he thinks. But then again. Who would call either Brooke or Lucas normal?

Just as he reaches for the door-handle, the door is opened from the inside. For a second he is face to face with Brooke and before she pushes past him he has the time to take a look at her.

It's clear that she has been crying, but there is something else. Her lips are red and swollen and she looks a little flushed.

She seems surprised to see him, maybe even a little embarrassed, but she doesn't say anything and a second later she is gone. Then Lucas suddenly appears behind her and Nathan still stands there a little dumbstruck, holding the door open.

"Wait Brooke!" he hears his older brother yell, and that's when he realizes that Lucas has his sweater on inside-out. And the last piece of the puzzle clicks into place.

"Oh no you didn't Brooke…" he mumbles to himself before letting the door slam back into Lucas' face, and then he starts jogging down the corridor to catch up with the little brunette that is already disappearing through the entrance.

The last thing she had said to him before he left her earlier had been that she wanted to have sex with Lucas, and of course she had gotten things her way… Brooke Davis always did.

But that isn't necessarily a good thing.

_You don't mean no, nothing at all to me  
But, you got what it takes to set me free  
Oh, you could mean everything to me…  
_

---

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**Author's note 2**: That is it for this chapter. I hope you don't hate me :)  
But even if you do, review and tell me why. 

For those of you that are following my other story, Girl Behind The Red Door, let me tell you that I know that the update is waaaay overdue. But I'm working on it and should have it up by Wednesday at the latest.

Have a nice week and keep the BL-faith (even though Mark is making it very hard right now)

Love /Lynn

**Thank you's**

Awhero: Shaz, thanks for your continued support. I love your reviews! Well, I'm not sure if you were expecting the wounded couple to work their way back in this direction but hopefully you'll tell me… lol

B. Davis: LOL, I know that you told me 2 chapters ago that Brooke wouldn't try and sleep with Lucas… but I just couldn't help myself… The angst kept pulling me in.

Vanessa: Lucas should probably back off for a while, but its BL we're talking about and what can I say? LOL Lucas isn't always doing what he should… But thanks so much for your review and I hope you'll keep reading.

Denise: Thank you hunnie, for that sweet review! BH is coming up in the next chapter so don't worry. LOL. I didn't want to 'just throw it in' in this chapter since that would have meant that Haley would have to be in the bathroom with Brooke and Lucas… ;)

Honey1007: Leonie baby, trust me, Brooke WILL trust Lucas again somewhere down the road. But all in good time my dear. Thank you so much for the review hunnie.

Wishinonastar: Hannah, its so sweet of you to say that! And I'm glad that the BL-moment cheered you up. You've already read pieces of this chapter but I hope you'll still tell me what you think. ;)

Whiters: I'm a BL-fan too (lol, of course…) and I want them together, but I need to go where the story takes me. :) I bet you didn't think that this would happen though? Thank you for the review.

Tripnfallbri: Thanks for that amazingly sweet review! And if you thought that last chapter was emotional, then I can't wait to hear what you thought about this one. Thanks again!

Jeytonbrucasnaley: Cheyenne, thank you! I didn't know that you hadn't read this and then you reviewed almost all the chapters in one night! hug I hope this chapter makes up for some of all the BL sex-scenes that I've interrupted lately in GBTRD. And if it doesn't, then look out for my next GBTRD-update. ;)

Daydreamer05: Eleana! I had no idea that this was you:) I just have to say that i'm in love with your review for chapter 11! LOL  
I should tell you that i have a soft spot for this story too, even though everybody else seems to love GBTRD more. And maybe thats why i've actually pushed through 2 updates for this story before updating my other one. Well, i certainly feel special now and thanks again!

Catcat51092, BrucasForeva, Brucas333, Brucas2006, Potato92, Brucas831, brucasnaleyjeyton-4everfan and Brucas1622: All of you, thanks sooooo very much for your reviews. They make my day and they inspire me to get the chapters up much faster. You all rock!


	15. Until I break down

**Author's note**: I'm guessing the bar is set pretty high after the last chapter but this is a little different so I hope you won't get too disappointed with me. And to try to make up for not updating in over 6 months I'm making this the longest chapter I've ever posted for this story.

I hope you'll enjoy. Title and lyric's comes from the song 'Breakdown' by Plain White T's and thank you's are at the end.

-

* * *

**CHAPTER 15 – Until I Break Down**

_I'm gonna drive until I break down  
Hold it inside until I break down_

_Not gonna try until I break down  
Save my goodbyes until I break down_

"How the hell can a tiny girl like Brooke be so fast?" Nathan thinks as he runs after the brunette over the parking-lot. And before he can catch her she gets into her car, slams the door shut and drives off with the gravel spraying from under the tires. Cursing, Nathan turns and jogs back to his own car. And with at least three classes to go of the school-day he follows her.

It takes about four blocks before he spots her little blue beetle and even though he drives fast he still has to step on the gas to keep up with her. Sure, the streets are almost empty since there is hardly any traffic this time of day, but he pulls out his cell-phone and dials her number. Surprisingly she answers on the second signal.

"Slow down Brooke!" he kind of pleads into the receiver. "I get that you want to act out but you don't need to get yourself fucking killed in the process!"

He has expected her to just tell him to shut up but instead she sighs and by the rear-lights of her car he can tell that she's actually pushing the breaks a little.

"You don't need to follow me Nathan. Don't you have class?"

"Yes I do" he states calmly "but so do you… so a better question is; what hell happened and why are you driving way over the speed-limit in the opposite direction of your house?"

"I don't wanna talk about it…"

"Well tough luck B, because I do."

She sighs again, deeper this time, and the sound is hollow and full of hurt.

"I'm going to the River Court," she finally mumbles. "We can talk there." And then the only thing sounding in his ear is a beeping tone. Brooke has just hung up on him.

--

Lucas watches Nathan run off and leans back against the cold wall outside the bathroom door. Frustrated and confused he pulls a hand through his hair and looks down to notice that his sweatshirt is on inside out. When he breathes in he can still smell the scent of her and his fingertips still ache to feel her skin. Yet he's alone in the corridor.

"_I can't do this… I'm too scared…"_

He can hear her voice inside his head and it plays over and over.

"_I'm too scared, and my heart can't take any more of this… I need a clean break Luke. There are things going on that you don't know and I'm too tired..." _

He's still out of breath and he concentrates on trying to get his breathing to become slower, thinking that it's not the first time he's heard her say this. But when _was_ the first time? Was it at Nathan and Haley's wedding?

"_I needed to hear your voice… there's so much stuff going on with me…"_

He remembers asking her 'what stuff' but she had simply kissed him, and right then he was just so relieved that she wasn't angry anymore that he had concentrated solely on the kiss. But then she broke up with him just hours later, and right now he wants to hit himself for not pressuring her to see what it had all been about. Maybe if he had, then he would have been able to fix things between them. Maybe they would have still been together? And if he had, maybe she wouldn't be running away from him after the just had sex in the school bathroom…

"Brooke…" he lets out silently, even though she's already disappeared. "Why can't you just trust me? I just need you to freaking trust me…"

He pulls out his cell, dialing the familiar number and waiting for her to pick up.

_Hi, this is Brooke. I can't take your call but leave a message after the beep and I'll call you back as soon as I can…_

He's sure she won't but he still leaves her a message.

"I love you pretty girl. I know you don't believe me, and I know that there are things you're not telling me… but I love you. I don't think I'll ever stop…"

--

After parking the car Nathan silently follows Brooke over to the worn out pic-nic table and it pains him to see her whole body-language being so _sad_. Her shoulders are slumped, head hanging down and her fists are clenched. And when she sits down she pulls her knees up and wraps her arms around them in an almost childlike manor.

"So are you gonna tell me what happened or are you going to make me guess?" he says softly and sits down beside her.

She doesn't answer and it doesn't surprise him. He already knows that he's going to have to pull the information out of her, and by that he can assume that she also blames herself for something in this mess. So in order to get her to snap out of her apathy he tries to provoke her. At least an angry Brooke is better than a sad one.

"It's obvious that you slept with him, which was pretty stupid if you ask me, and I heard you when you said that you wanted him, but come on Brooke…"

No reaction. Not even a movement. So he keeps going;

"Were you just so horny that you couldn't stop yourself?"

This time she just blinks a couple of times and mouths a silent; "Nathan, stop…"

"No Davis, seriously… did you have to screw your ex in the school's bathroom? A little unnecessary, don't you think? No other available boys around? Not enough time to find an empty janitors-closet, huh?"

And now her head snaps around and her eyes are fire and ice when boring into his. Mission completed, he thinks. Brooke Penelope Davis is officially starting to get pissed off. At least now she'd talk.

"Shut up!" she hisses. "You have no clue, okay? _No_ clue…"

There are no tears yet, no signs of her breaking down, but with knowing her for so long he knows that it's not far away.

"No I don't. But if you tell me I will. No judgement B, I promise. Just as long as you tell me…"

The brunette sighs deeply, still eying him suspiciously, and he reaches out and grabs her small hand in his big one before he continues;

"Did he say something that hurt you? I mean, he didn't force himself on you, right? Because if he did then you _know_ that I'll kill him, don't you?"

She shakes her head and lets him intertwine his fingers with hers. "No… as you said, I wanted him to have sex with me. I have no idea why since I was furious at him, but he just… I don't know… Just don't be angry with him…"

She falls silent again and Nathan figures that she's hesitating on what to tell him. So he waits and the both just sit and watch the abandoned basketball-court. On the tree-trunk on his left he can clearly see Brooke's and Lucas' initials carved into the wood. A heart is carved around the letters and he thinks back on that night when Lucas did that. It had been before the school-shooting, before Keith died and everything got this messy. Looking at it now that night feels light-years away, like a distant foggy memory.

_Nathan watched as Lucas and Brooke laughed together. His blond older brother was giving her what looked like an unwilling piggyback-ride and her arms were wrapped tightly around his neck._

"_Carry me to the table!" he heard Brooke giggle but Lucas reached behind his back and tickled her until she fell off from laughing too much. _

"_No way Pretty girl. You have feet, remember?"_

_Brooke tickled him back but she was obviously losing the battle and Nathan smiled as the little brunette dropped to the ground with his brother on top of her, and before he knew it they were lost in a typical Brooke and Lucas make-out session._

"_Get a room man!" Skills shouted from the court but it obviously fell on def ears. He himself wrapped an arm around Haley's shoulders and kissed his wife's temple._

"_They seem happy" she said softly and he nodded. They did, and actually it surprised him. After the chaos last spring when Lucas and Peyton cheated behind Brooke's back, he thought the saga of Brooke and Lucas was definitely over, never to be started again._

"_I mean look at them…" his wife mused. "They belong together. They're like freaking yin and yang."_

_And as he watched the couple get off the ground and Lucas pulling Brooke over to the big tree right by the table he couldn't help but agree. Brooke seemed calmer with Lucas and Lucas just always seemed more alive when Brooke was around. _

_Then Lucas started carving a heart in the tree-trunk and Brooke was kissing his neck and whispering stuff Nathan couldn't make out. He recognized the huskiness in her voice though, she used that voice on a lot of guys, but there was something that was different from when she usually teased boys. She sounded genuinely happy… content. And then he heard her say;_

"_I love you Luke…"_

_And he realized that he hadn't heard her say that to anyone in years._

"My head and my heart aren't agreeing…" he suddenly hears her say and he snaps back into reality. "It's like a fucking internal war…"

She is still looking straight ahead but she keeps talking and he watches her out of the corner of his eye, thinking that in all the years he's known her he has never seen her look more vulnerable. All the times he comforted her when they were younger and all the nights he's seen her drunk or lost or lonely, all of them added together still would've made her look stronger then right in this moment.

"You still love him, don't you?" he asks carefully and she nods.

"Of course I do. That's why all this is so hard…"

She pushes herself off of the bench and stands up. Turns to him and watches him with a sad expression on her face. She looks frail, as if she's thinner and almost translucent.

"Do you think he still loves me?" she says quietly and to his own surprise he finds himself nodding.

"Yeah."

"Then do me a favour and keep him away from me. He said he wants me back, and I can obviously not trust myself around him."

He watches her in her tense posture. Wants to reach out and hug her. But instead he says;

"Do you really think he would hurt you again?"

She just stares in front of her, gaze all empty.

"I don't know… But if he does then I'll break Nate… for real…"

-----

It's been five days since she had the 'close encounter' with Lucas in the bathroom, and like a lot of times lately Brooke feels out of place when she parks her car in the school parking-lot.

She had never really been a studious girl but up until everything got screwed up between her and Lucas a couple of months ago, at least she had liked going to school. High School had been _her_ world and she had ruled it with iron hand like a true queen should.

Happy and bubbly, with a soon to show bitchy attitude if someone dared to challenge her, she had breezed through every school-day since freshman year started. Boys followed her everywhere, ready to be at her beck and call. And she had plenty of minions that stood ready to hang out with her if she wanted company. She had been the social number one in Tree Hill High, just like her parent-free house had been the party-central. And being the average shallow cheerleader, she had mostly been concerned with nothing more than finding cute boys and raging parties. But over the last eighteen months she had found that she could be so much more than that. And she had realized that people actually liked her for being a good friend, not just because she was the popular girl.

Because eighteen months ago she met Lucas Scott and fell in love, and wanting to or not, she had changed.

Things around her haven't really changed just because she's no longer with Lucas. She is still envied of all the girls, and all the boys still dream of getting with her. But after being Lucas' girlfriend for so long she finds herself unable to go back to how she was before she met him. Sure, she can still get drunk but partying isn't as fun anymore and it had felt good to be 'nice'. Nice Brooke was a girl she felt proud of. But being without him makes it impossible to be the sweeter and calmer version of herself. And all this pretty much means that life at school is a constant feeling of being stuck in limbo.

Although entering the gym is a different thing all together. In here, accompanied by the sounds of bouncing basketballs and the screeching noises of sneakers sliding against the linoleum floor, she can play a role that she knows by heart. In here she is Brooke Davis, sexy and bitchy head cheerleader of the Tree Hill Ravens cheer squad. Nobody would aver dare to threaten that position and she would never let them.

The girls on the squad look up as she approaches them and wide smiles stretch over their faces. All except for Peyton of course.

"Why the long face goldilocks?" she smirks as she sets down her duffelbag on one of the lower benches. "It's not like you would had gotten the lead spot even if I hadn't turned up…"

Peyton just looks away and somehow Brooke feels a little disappointed. She kind of wishes that her former best friend would bitch back. Because right then Nathan and Lucas enter the gym from the locker room and fighting with Peyton would be so much easier than having to face Luke.

"Hey Brooke…" he says softly, stopping right behind her. And she turns her eyes to the floor.

"Hey…" she mumbles back. She doesn't want to look at him because she knows what that will do to her. And when she doesn't say anything else she hears him sigh and walk away. Rachel gives her a questioning look, as if to say 'when are you going to stop this?' but she shrugs it off and takes a deep breath before saying;

"Okay girls, lets get warmed up and get this show on the road…"

--

The game goes by pretty quickly but to Lucas it feels like years. He spends most of his time on the bench and he can't tear his eyes off of Brooke. He knows she loves cheering. If it wasn't for that she wouldn't even be here. And he knows this because the last couple of days she has been avoiding him like the plague. According to what he knows she has been to school but he hasn't seen her more then once or twice. He has called her a hundred times since she left him standing shirtless in the girls bathroom and not once has she picked up. He has sent her text-messages, even gone by Rachel's house a couple of times, but the only time someone actually opened the door it had been Rachel.

"_She doesn't want to see you Luke… I have no idea what happened between you two but she has given me clear instructions that if I let you in, she'll punch me in the face… And not that I'm really scared of our little Brookie cookie, but she does have a pretty mean right hook and this nose was expensive…"_

_He sighed and kept holding the door open._

"_Look Rach, I need to see that she is alright… Just give me two minutes…"_

_But the redhead shook her head. "I can't Lucas. I'm sorry but I promised her."_

_She walked out on the porch and closed the door behind her, probably making sure that Brooke wouldn't hear incase she was listening in the hallway. And looking at him sternly she said;_

"_As I said, I'm not sure what's going on between you guys. Brooke won't tell me. But if you wanna know how she is, then I can tell you that she isn't all that peachy."_

_She leaned against one of the big roman pillars and arched her eyebrow just like Brooke usually did. "You know what I don't get?" she continued. "It wasn't all that long ago that you came here looking for Brooke, and that time I asked you why you didn't fight harder for her… Today I came home and found my roommate in tears and the only thing I could understand from her incoherent sobbing was that she had some kind of confrontation with you… So now I'm thinking that if making her cry is your way of fighting for Brooke, then why don't you do us all a favor and just stop?"_

_She gave him one last cold look, a look that also held some kind of disappointment, and then she turned and pushed down the door-handle._

"_And another thing Luke…" she mumbled before stepping back inside the house. "Don't leave anymore messages on the machine. She's pulled out the cord…"_

He's ripped out of his thoughts by the sound of music and he realizes that Brooke and her squad are out on the floor. It's a weird sense of déjà vu when their eyes suddenly meet and he is surprised to see that she doesn't look away. But it's not like at the game a couple of weeks ago, when she had that fake cheery smile glued to her face and her eyes looked all empty. This time she just looks sad.

Rachel stands next to her and the redhead watches him closely, giving him the feeling that she'll step in between if he as much as tries to confront his brunette ex-girlfriend. And then Nathan steps up beside him, clearing his throat to get his attention. When he looks up Nathan simply says;

"You and me big brother… after the game."

Confused, he stares at Nathan. "What? You want to fight me?"

"No. I want you to tell me your side of this shit… And if what Brooke's been telling me is true, then I need you to explain to me what the fuck is wrong with your head. Either way, this has to stop, so we need to talk so I can fix this…"

Lucas sighs. He doesn't want Nathan to 'fix things', doesn't want his brother to 'fix' Brooke… He wants to fix this mess himself, and if he could get Brooke to talk to him he's sure he could. If he could only make her understand that what he said there in the girls bathroom just before she rushed away from him had totally come out wrong. She had misunderstood him completely.

But of course she hasn't let him explain anything. And it bugs him as he sits on the bench in the gym that talking to Nathan and convincing him might be the best chance he has at even getting close to reconciling with his ex. The sad thing is that if he knew Brooke as well as he thought he did, then this didn't mean that they had taken one step back. Even if Nathan bought his reasons and talked to Brooke for him, then this mess surely meant that she'd block him out even more than before.

Looking at the past week she already had.

-

Lucas seems zoned out and Nathan guesses that he is lost in thoughts about Brooke again. He dries his face with the towel that's still in his hand and watches his older brother and to him it's clear than Lucas is remorseful. But even so, he still doesn't believe that what Brooke told him last night was true. It's not that he thinks that she's lying, but there must be some misunderstanding here. Because although his brother has proven again and again that he is an incorrigible screw-up, he actually believes that Lucas really loves Brooke and he wouldn't say those things… or would he?

No. He turns to Lucas one last time before the time-out is over.

"So as I said" he mutters as the referee signals the game starting up again. "Stick around in the locker-room. I need an explanation."

And this time his brother only nods before going back to staring at the brunette cheer-captain that's currently jogging back towards the sideline. And before Nathan goes back out on to the court he approaches Whitey and mutters;

"Can you please put my brother back in the game? We need his 3-point shot…"

Holding a grudge against Lucas for being a dickhead is really getting tiresome. And with this being the second to last game before the championship finals, he needs to get Lucas to snap back into focus. Otherwise both their basketball careers are screwed.

_I've seen a man cry, I've seen a man shout out  
Afraid of losing the woman he loves  
I've seen a woman lying to her man flat out  
Bout who she's been with and where she was  
I've seen 'em both fight, and try to figure it out  
This fighting isn't going anywhere_

--

After the game Brooke drags her feet into the girls' locker room. She hadn't had any sleep last night because Nathan had forced her into another one of those late night talks. Or truthfully, Nathan had talked and she had been silent. He meant well but with Haley being pregnant and an upcoming championship she figures he has enough on his plate.

The rest of the night had been spent dosing off on the living room couch for short periods of time since Rachel had some boy over and she hadn't fallen into deep sleep until about 6 am. And then the alarm went off at seven, telling her that it all started over again.

Now she wants to just skip showering and head directly home but being captain she has to round the girls up for after-talk and prepare them for the hectic two weeks ahead. Winning this game had meant that they were now clear for the championship final, and they all needed to bump their act up a level. Something that she is honestly too tired to do.

Bevin catches up with her and being her usual untactful but caring self she starts to babble on and on about Lucas and how he had stared at her all through out the game. In a way she doesn't want to hear it, but she had seen it herself. Seen the looks he was giving her, seen the lack of concentration he displayed out on court, and she feels almost as sorry for him as she feels for herself. But acknowledging that he is trying to get her attention means that she has to talk to him and she's scared. Scared that if she does, she won't be able to go on with closing him out like this.

She kicks off her sneakers and pulls the top over her head, then she steps out of her skirt and cheer-bloomers before walking into the showers. The hot water is heaven on her skin and she closes her eyes and wonders if people would notice if she cried in here.

But it stays as just a thought. She would never be that unguarded.

Afterwards she dresses and then goes through next week's workout schedule with her squad. And maybe some of her tiredness shines through, because no one argues the long hours planned. Not even the curly blonde in the back.

"I'll pick the new songs tonight…" she finishes and rubs her temples. "Just be in time for practice on Monday."

The girls all leave the locker room in small groups, gossiping and giggling, and she sighs and starts rounding up her stuff. Rachel lingers too, and after a couple of minutes the redhead clears her throat.

"Hey Brooke… are you okay?"

She nods absentmindedly and shoves a sneaker into her bag.

"Are you sure? You know I'm leaving to see my parents for the weekend… and since the maid is off this week, you'll be all by yourself. Will you manage?"

The way in which Rachel tries to look out for her should really be endearing, but instead she feels irritated. It could be because she's jealous that Rachel's parents still cares enough to send for her once in a while, but she chooses to think that it's more because the caring words belittles her.

"Of course I'll be fine Rach. I'm not five."

The redhead lets out an annoyed sigh.

"Yeah well, I'm going. I'll see you Sunday…"

And then she disappears out of the locker room too.

Brooke stuffs the other sneaker down with the first and zips the bag shut. It's Friday. She's headed home to a huge empty house that's not even hers and she needs to sort out the stupid music that Peyton had always taken care of.

She hasn't had a decent night's sleep in weeks and she longs for a drink. But what's new?

Of course she'd be fine.

-

_I've seen a child's eyes  
Watching her parents freak out  
I know they see her but they just don't care  
_

The house is a lot darker than Brooke has expected. A lot more silent too.

She drops her stuff just inside the front door and turns on the light, but it just gets so far and the rooms beyond the lit hallway suddenly seem even darker. Her stomach makes angry hungry noises and she tries to remember when she last ate. Lunch had been skipped two days in a row in favor of avoiding Lucas. Had it been this morning? No, she had woken up late and forgot breakfast. Maybe last night?

Determined to solve the issue she heads into the kitchen and opens the big fridge. And remembering that the maid is off this week, she sighs. Because the shelves hold nothing but half a carton of orange juice and some left over pasta that surely has seen it's best days.

"Typical…" she mutters and grabs the juice carton. Well, she had survived without dinner before. Instead she heads up to the darker upper floor and turns on the light in the bedroom.

She changes into a pair of sweats and longingly looks at the soft pillows on her bed. Although she doesn't lie down. First of all because she knows that downstairs, in her bag, she has over twenty new routines that needs a look-over, and she also needs to start searching for those songs. But there is also another reason.

She can't.

Sleeping alone in a big empty house is out of the question because it scares her shitless.

She sighs at her own weakness and walks back down the stairs. She's always been afraid of the dark. That's why she had always stayed at Peyton's or Nathan's house when they were kids and her parents were away. Peyton knows it scares her, and Nathan probably does too, even though she's never told him flat out, afraid that he'd tease her.

Lucas probably just thought that it was a 'cute' excuse she had used to make him stay over on nights when he claimed he _had_ to go home.

But none of them knows to what extent this fear goes. None of them are aware that there have been times when she hasn't slept for three days because she had been alone. Or that this was the root to her earlier love of all-night outings or slumber parties.

In the hallway she grabs her bag again and brings it, along with her laptop, into the living room. In there she turns on all the lights, sets the TV on a comedy, and settles on the couch with her computer balanced on her lap.

An icon in the lower right hand corner tells her she has a new email and she opens it absentmindedly. But when she reads it, her heart sinks.

From: Webmaster  
To: Brooke Davis  
Title: RE: Where are you?

_Status delivery failure: Message could not be delivered due to unknown reason. Please try sending it again. If the problem consists, contact the appropriate web-host._

From: Brooke Davis  
To: Victoria Davis.  
Title: Where are you?

_Hi mom. I've tried calling you for weeks. Are you and dad even still living in LA?  
Dad's secretary said he's on vacation and the number to your house is not in use anymore. Maybe it's just something wrong with it, but I'm not sure how to get in touch with you and dad.  
Anyways. I wanted to make sure that you're both okay and I also need to talk to you. I guess you'll just shrug at this, but I've failed four classes already and I don't know what to do about college anymore… Please, just call me. My cell phone number is still: 302-567 34 81_

_Love/ Brooke._

It's an automatic response. A bounce-back. Without any other information than that her e-mail couldn't be delivered. Probably because the inbox on her mothers email account is full.

Sighing, she presses her hands to her temples to try and relieve the thumping headache. What had she expected, really? Well, a response probably. And of course not some loving assurance that all would be well and that her mom would come home and help her fix this. More likely a scolding for being worthless and lazy in school. But she hadn't expected to not get in touch with them at all.

When she thinks about it, she hasn't talked to her mother in over two months. Almost three.

She shuts the email-window and opens her iTunes instead. Turns up the volume on the TV to drown out the sound of the wind outside and folds her legs under her body.

She wonders what Lucas is doing…

_It won't stop if they don't stop yelling  
It's not the way of working your problems out  
I can't stand being around this yelling  
So I'm finding my way out  
_

--

Lucas looks at his wristwatch and opens the door to his car. 10.30 PM. Had Whitey really talked that long?

It's dark out, kind of cold too, and he buckles his seatbelt and turns the ignition key. Nathan had probably left long ago and since the after-game party at Bevin's house is as far from what he wants as it can possibly get, he just heads home, thinking that Nathan would call him if he still wanted to talk.

Once he gets home, he realizes that his mother has already gone to bed, so he does the same. And lying under the covers, staring up at the ceiling, he thinks about his conversation with his coach.

"_So how are you coping with everything Lucas? I haven't really talked to you in a while."_

_Whitey's eyes searched for his, and he looked down at the table's surface, not feeling like talking at all._

"_I'm alright I guess… Mom is better now too." _

"_I'm glad to hear that. You'll have to send my regards to Karen."_

_Silence engulfed the small coach's office. He shifted in his seat and Whitey cleared his throat, but then they fell back into silence._

"_Listen coach…" he finally mumbled. "I'm fine. Really. Was there anything else? Because I think Nathan is waiting for me…"_

"_Well, I just need a minute."_

_The seriousness in which Whitey said the short phrase made him just nod quietly, and then his coach lent back in the chair and watched him intently._

"_I'm a little worried Lucas…" he said slowly. "…about your girlfriend. She has not been herself lately and I know that it is not my business, but from what I heard she's been falling behind in a lot of classes. And I might be old and dumb but I can't for the life of me understand why. Not when she's dating straight A student Lucas Scott and she's best friends with this school's finest tutor…" _

_He had looked up at the mention of Brooke, but now his gaze returned to the wooden desk._

"_We broke up…" he mumbled, still feeling awkward when saying it out loud. "About two months ago."_

"_Aha… and because of that you can't help her out? I guess Haley broke up with her too?"_

_The sarcasm didn't go unnoticed and he sighed and finally met the eyes of his coach._

"_I didn't know, okay? We…uhm… I mean Brooke and I… we're not really on speaking terms." _

"_As I said, you might think I'm old and bordering on senile, and that I have no clue about the interactions between the students of this school. But see, this is the situation that I'm in: My cheer-captain, the best cheer-captain this school has seen in years, is sleepwalking since a month back. She skips school, she comes to practice either hung over or looking like a ghost, and now she's on the verge of flunking out of high school with less than four months left of senior year…"_

_He tried to cut in but the older man kept talking._

"_On top of this I have both the co-captains of our varsity team running around like headless chickens, fighting and yelling at each other at games and in the hallways. And then I hear that what you and your brother are fighting about is same said Brooke Davis, and I'm starting to wonder what's going on…"_

"_Nathan should just stay out of my business…" he muttered, but he could hear himself and the response sounded weak at most._

"_Why? He has a past with Ms. Davis. They grew up together and I'm proud to see him finally show some concern. I'd say she needs her friends now."_

_They went back to silence for a while and he felt guilty for sounding like a self-centered kid. Of course it was good that Nathan was there for Brooke, and lately things between him and his brother had seemed a little bit better. But he still had that jealous feeling in his stomach, the one that told him that Nathan should just stay away._

"_What do you want me to do?" he said silently. "I mean, she won't talk to me. Maybe you should have this conversation with my brother instead…"_

"_I already have, and he tells me that you're the one with the power here. It took him some effort to come out and say it, but apparently you're the one that could get her through what ever it is that is troubling her, and since Brooke has been there for you so much this last year, I'd say that this is a very good time to start repaying that…"_

He stares at the ceiling and sighs. In the last few weeks everything has gotten so much more complicated. It's been a rollercoaster, and not only all the twists and turns within his relationship to the worlds most beautiful brunette, but also within himself.

When Brooke dumped him two months back he had been devastated. Then, when she told him she wouldn't fight for him and he found out that she had been sleeping with the English teacher, he had been disappointed and later on even furious. But since the night that he and Nathan found her in the bar drunk of her ass, he had felt nothing but heartbroken… Heartbroken and worried.

And nothing in his conversation with Whitey had made the worry lessen.

It's closer to midnight now and he hesitantly reaches for his phone. There's absolutely no use calling Brooke, because even if she isn't drunk at Bevin's party, she won't pick up. He knows that from experience. Instead he dials his brother's number and Haley picks up.

"Hi Hales…"

"Luke? How are you buddy?"

She sounds a little sleepy and he says sorry for waking her up. But she just hushes him and tells him its okay.

"It's nice to hear your voice. But I guess you're looking for Nathan. He said you got stuck with Whitey after the game."

"Yeah. Is he around?"

Silently he contemplates if he should tell Haley about Whitey's concern for Brooke. Brooke would probably go crazy, she hated when people went behind her back, but maybe Haley could help?

"He's sleeping, I'll go wake him up…"

She calls for his brother, but he stops her.

"No Haley, don't wake him up… but… uhm… can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

He hesitates for a second, but decides that he can't really make the situation worse with Brooke either way.

"Did you know that Brooke was flunking in school? Has she asked you for help?"

"What? No… I had no idea… Or well, I know she's had some problems in her Calculus-class but…"

She sighs and he does too.

"I'm really worried about her Hales. Really worried…"

"Me too…"

_I've seen a child's eyes  
I've seen her living in doubt  
Not ever knowing what it's like to be in love  
I've seen her friends trying  
Just to help her get out  
She never told them what the problem really was  
_

-

"So this is what you do alone on a Friday night?" Brooke thinks to herself as she sits Indian style on her couch, still searching the internet for a suitable song. She knows she's been at it for hours, but when she looks at the florescent numbers on the DVD's display, it still surprises her to see that it's already morning.

06.37 AM.

She's found nothing. Not a single song that's even close to useful, and the last hour she's even tried to get used to the idea of crawling back to Peyton for help. Lucas could probably help her out too. But Lucas is forbidden grounds.

She stretches out her back and groans. It's dawning outside and the slight headache that's been bothering her all day is turning into a full-blown migraine.

She gets up on shaky legs and heads out to the kitchen to get a couple of Advil. She feels dizzy and a little nauseous, probably due to lack of both food and sleep, and she makes a mental note to go to the store as soon as she's slept a little.

She's never been a fan of dieting and now she remembers why. She hates being hungry.

The medicine cabinet in the kitchen cupboard is stocked with so many different types of pill-containers that it looks like a small pharmacy, and she roams around in it in search for a brand of painkillers that she's familiar with. It's mostly per scripted sleeping pills and anti-depressants though. Rozerem, Zoloft, Triazolam, Paxil… She knows them all, even though she's never tried them. Her mom's been popping pills for years and apparently so does Mrs Gatina.

A sedative drug is probably the last thing she needs when being this tired. She's so exhausted that she feels as if she's going to pass out at any moment. She longs for sleep. Dreamless sleep. And suddenly the anti-depressants look kind of inviting.

"Finally…" she mumbles to herself when her fingers close around a pack of Tylenol. But her hands are shaking and her knees feel weak, and she has to grab onto the shelf with her free hand for support.

Maybe she should eat that left over pasta after all? Or maybe she should just go lie down and never get up again…

_I'm gonna drive until I break down  
Hold it inside until I break down  
Not gonna try until I break down  
Save my goodbyes until I break down_

-

It's almost seven o'clock on Saturday morning when Lucas closes the front door behind him and takes the few steps down the porch. He's slept four hours at most, because after hanging up with Haley, his thoughts had kept him awake until after two o'clock in the morning. But he needs this run so he puts in the earplugs to his iPod and cranks the volume up a notch or two before starting to jog down the empty street.

Normal people were probably in their beds sleeping at this hour on a Saturday, but then again, normal people didn't have a championship to play in less than two weeks or a stupid heart condition that needed constant cardio build-up training.

He bobs his head to Rooney's 'Blueside' as he picks up the pace and rounds the corner of Mason Street with ease. Thinks that maybe he should run by Nathan's house and ask his brother if he wants to come along. Maybe they could have that talk that Nathan wanted to have last night and that Whitey had gotten in the way of.

It's cold outside and he pulls his hands into the sleeves of his sweater. He misses the friendship and brotherly bond between himself and Nathan. Everything had been such a mess lately, and since Nathan and Brooke got close again, his brother had hardly talked to him at all. A couple of weeks ago that would have made him angry, but now, with recent events in mind, he's glad that Brooke has Nate. Nathan knew stuff about the brunette that he obviously didn't and since he worries more and more about his ex-girlfriend for every day that passes, he feels a little better knowing that Nathan keeps an eye on her.

That she'll at least tell Nathan what's wrong.

Last night at the game she hadn't looked that peachy. Beautiful as always of course, but pale, tired and somewhat hollow. Distracted and zoned out. And as the first tunes of 'Boston' fills his ears, he once again thinks of what she had said.

"_There are things going on that you don't know and I'm too tired..." _

What? What the hell could it be that he had missed?

The song is probably too slow to run to but it makes him think of Brooke and he lets it be. Rachel's house comes into view on his left side and he pictures Brooke in her pj's, all tucked in and sleeping. But then he sees that the light in the kitchen is turned on and he slows down a bit.

Was she awake or was it Rachel?

He turns left and walks up the driveway to the mansion-like house, thinking that he'll just sneak a peak through the window, but then he realizes how weird that would seem if someone saw him, and instead he rings the doorbell. Maybe a tired Rachel was easier to persuade into letting him talk to Brooke than a wide awake one.

But no one opens the door.

He rings the bell again and looks back over his shoulder. Rachel's car is nowhere to be seen, but Brooke's blue Volkswagen is parked in the middle of the driveway. And for reasons unknown to him, he suddenly feels a little uneasy.

He tries the door and as usual in Tree Hill, it's unlocked.

"Brooke?" he says and takes a couple of steps inside. "Rachel?"

From where he stands he can see that the TV in the livingroom is on but still no one answers him, and by now the uneasiness has turned to worry. Neither the Brooke nor the Rachel he knows would be up at this hour.

"Brooke? Are you here?" he tries again and heads for the kitchen. And he just has to take two steps into the room before he sees her. His heart stops.

"Brooke!"

He runs over to her. Crashes down beside her where she's laying on the floor and tries to find her pulse with shaking hands. She's unconscious, pale as a ghost, and sprinkled all around her there are pills in different sizes and colors.

"No… no, no… don't do this…" he mumbles and tries shaking her. "What the hell have you done?"

She doesn't react and he shakes her harder.

"Brooke, what the _fuck_ have you DONE?!"

His hands are shaking so bad that he almost drops his cell phone but he manages to dial 911 and jams the cellular stuck between chin and shoulder while keeping his other hand on her pulse-point.

"_911… what is your emergency?"_

"Hello? I think my girlfriend has tried to kill herself… She's taken pills and… and she's not waking up…"

His voice is uneven and he feels as though someone is slowly choking him. This could _not_ be fucking happening.

"_Your name and location, please."_

"Lucas Scott. I'm at Lawrence Street… number 304 I think… the big house on the hill… I can't tell if she has a pulse…"

"_Is she breathing? Check her airways, sir."_

He grabs her chin and her jaw is slack so he easily gets her mouth open. She doesn't seem to be choking on anything and by now he can feel tiny breaths against his hand.

"She's breathing!"

"_Good. Then she has a pulse too. I'm sending an ambulance but please stay on the line. Do you have any idea of what kind of pills she has taken? Or how many?"_

He has pulled her head up into his lap and he feels so helpless. He keeps stroking her cheek, her hair, and he keeps wondering how he could have let it get to this. The jars and containers are spread out on the floor around her body and he reaches for the closest one as if he's having an out of body-experience.

"Tri…Triazolam?" he says weakly, not even knowing what that is. Then he grabs the next jar. "Zoloft… um… Paxil? Damn it, there's so many pills here..."

His voice is cracking as he tries to reach the fourth container and the woman on the lines soothes:

"_It's alright, sir. Try to stay calm. The ambulance will be there any moment. Just keep checking her breathing and pulse."_

He does. It's the only thing he _can_ do. And as the operator keeps talking, he closes his eyes and does something he hasn't done since the school shooting. He prays.

"_Sir? The ambulance is pulling up to the house now. You need to open the door and let the medics inside."_

The thought of leaving Brooke is ridiculous. Insane.

Instead he mumbles: "The front door is unlocked. We're in the kitchen." And when he hears the sirens getting louder, he simply puts the cell phone down on the floor.

If Brooke didn't get through this, he would never forgive himself.

And he would never forgive her.

_I've seen a suicide, he couldn't figure it out  
He blamed himself  
Because they couldn't get along __  
I've seen her parents' eyes trying to figure it out  
Where did our baby go and what went wrong?_

--

It's weird how the alarm clock can sometimes keep ringing for hours without waking him, but when his cell phone lets out one tiny little 'beep' to signal the incoming text-message, Nathan's wakes up instantly.

Groaning, he looks at the clock and shakes his head. What could anyone possibly want before nine o'clock in the morning on a Saturday? Wasn't that the perks of not living with his father anymore? That he'd actually be able to sleep in on the weekends?

He carefully moves to get the phone from the nightstand and Haley sighs in her sleep and turns to find a new sleeping position. As silently as possible he flips it open and even before he's finished reading, he shoots up into sitting position.

_Hospital. Brooke. Now._

While dialing his brother's number, he flings his arm out and grabs his wife, shaking her.

"Haley!"

"…What?" she mumbles into the pillow and he listens to the signals passing without Lucas picking up.

"There's something wrong with Brooke. Lucas just sent me a text… I think she's in the hospital."

Now Haley suddenly seems wide-awake too, and she sits up and rubs the sleep from her eyes.

"Why? What happened? Why is he with Brooke? Are you calling Lucas now?"

He nods as an answer to the last question, that's the only one he has the answer to. But as the voicemail starts, the sinking feeling in his stomach worsens. He pushes re-dial and starts to get out of bed. And with one hand he starts pulling on his jeans.

"He's not answering Hales… We need to head down there. What if it's bad?"

She gets up too and they both dress quickly and in silence and he keeps re-dialing Lucas' number without luck. They get into the car and all the way over to Tree Hill Memorial he keeps thinking the same thing.

What if it's bad? What if it's really bad?

Haley is a lot more productive. She calls Rachel, Bevin and Peyton, but none of them know anything about where Brooke is or if she's okay. Apparently Rachel is with her parents in New Orleans, and the notion that Brooke had been alone without him knowing makes him feel even worse.

They reach the hospital and when parking he realizes that he doesn't even know where to look since they have no idea what's wrong with her. But Haley pulls him towards the emergency entrance and he follows.

"I'm sure she's fine, Nathan" Haley tries, but it falls short. The worry in her voice is too evident.

"Yeah…" he mumbles back to please her and then he quickly makes his way over to the nurse's desk. He knows his way around here. Too well.

He gives the guy behind the reception counter Brooke's name and birthdate and waits impatiently as he goes through some files and types a few commands on the computer.

"Brooke Davis… yeah, they brought her in a while ago with ambulance. Are you family?"

He nods. "Yeah, her brother."

"Well, I can't tell you anything about her condition. You should talk to her doctor. But her boyfriend is over there… He was the one that brought her in, maybe he knows more?"

Looking in the direction of the guy's pointed finger, he sees Lucas slumped in a chair on the other side of the waiting area. And the way his brother leans his head in his hands does nothing to make him feel less worried.

He makes it over there without even thanking the male nurse and as he gets closer he says his brother's name to get his attention.

"Luke, what's going on?"

Lucas head snaps up and the expression on his face sends tendrils of ice under Nathan's skin.

"She… she tried to kill herself, Nate… she took pills… I... I found her on the floor…"

The room disappears and the only thing he sees is Lucas' face. His brother's eyes are full of tears and he breathes in, realizing that all this is just a weird and really sick dream. Brooke would never do that. Peyton maybe, but _never_ Brooke. She loves life way too much.

But however much he shakes his head, or bites the inside of his cheek in order to wake himself up, nothing happens. He even bites through his own skin, tasting blood, but he still doesn't wake up.

Lucas is serious.

Haley gasps beside him, and by the movement in the corner of his eye he knows that she has just covered her face in her hands.

"You're lying…" he whispers, but Lucas shakes his head.

"No. I wish I was."

Mentally, he falls to the floor crying. But the physical version of himself stands rooted in the same spot and he just closes his eyes slowly.

"Where is she now? Is she awake?"

"She woke up in the ambulance. They've taken her to get her stomach pumped…"

Lucas' voice breaks and Haley wraps him up in her arms and hugs him. But Nathan still just stands there, fists clenched and jaw tense. Then he turns on the spot and walks towards the double doors. He can hear Haley call him but he just keeps walking. He doesn't care if Brooke isn't allowed visitors.

She would _have_ to see _him_.

_I'm gonna drive until I break down  
Hold it inside until I break down…_

---

* * *

**Author's note**: (IMPORTANT)

I upped the rating of this story to **M** since I've realized that some of the content is pretty dark. Plus it gives me more room in the smut-department ;). Just wanted you to know.

Sometimes a story takes a turn one might not have thought from the start. And when that happens, things might get pretty weird. For months I've tried shoving this story back into its original outline, but it just wouldn't budge. And after almost 7 months I've finally succumbed to pressure. LOL. This means that what originally was meant to be a story of about 15 chapters will now be longer. But the good thing is that it will still fit my original outline if you guys just stay patient and let me take this little detour.

I also feel that I need to tell you how extremely thrilled I am to see that so many of you actually still want this story updated. All you girls (and boy) on FF never stopped asking for this and it makes me ecstatic. Especially **Cami** and **Denise** deserve shout out's in this department since they never stop nagging me. :D

Special thanks also goes out to my **Cas**, who read through this for me. To **Daniel** for being lovely. To **Chey**,** Emma**,** Hil**,** Hannie** and **Ellie** because you're all just amazing. And to **all you others**!!! Your reviews keep making me feel happy.

/Lynn


	16. For blue skies

Author's note: I'm not even gonna give excuses. If I would, they would suck anyway. So I'm just going to say that all of you are amazing, and that I think every single one of you recognizes the title and lyrics.

-l-

* * *

**CHAPTER 16 – For Blue Skies**

_It's been a long year  
since we last spoke.  
How's your halo?_

Lucas walks slowly in the same direction in which Nathan ran off minutes ago, leaving Haley behind to call Karen. He concentrates on putting one foot in front of the other, slowly making progress down the long white corridor.

He honestly can't decide if he really wants to see Brooke. The picture of her lifeless form is still etched on the inside of his eyelids every time he closes his eyes, and he feels as though he wouldn't be able to take it if she still looks the same.

Somehow he feels as if that would simply make him fall apart.

But when he rounds the next corner, he sees her through the open door to room 476. She is sitting up in the hospital bed and it's obvious that she's crying. Even though there's no sound, tears fall rapidly down her cheeks and she keeps wiping them away furiously.

He stops in the doorway and looks at her, but she doesn't see him because her eyes are turned towards Nathan who is standing by the bedside.

"I don't understand how the hell you could do something like this!" his brother yells angrily, "I mean how stupid could you get Brooke? You could have fucking died!!"

She shakes her head and again wipes away tears with her hand.

"Stop yelling at me Nathan! I haven't done anything!"

"You haven't _DONE_ anything?! Are you fucking insane? Then what do you call it when you've shoved half a pharmacy down your throat, huh? When you have to go by ambulance to the emergency in order to not fucking DIE!! What do you call that? A game? Is this a damn game to you?!"

Nathan's voice keeps rising and now Brooke's sobs are audible. And even though he understands why Nathan is angry, he wishes that he wouldn't yell at her like this. Because she looks so frail in her hospital-gown and with the IV still attached to her hand. So lost and vulnerable and frightened.

"I didn't take any pills Nate… I swear… I told them, in the ambulance… I wasn't…"

"Enough Brooke! Seriously! God, I'm so _angry_ at you!"

He sees Nathan take a deep breath and when his younger brother pulls his hand through his hair he can clearly see how bad Nathan's hands are shaking. He stays in the doorway as Nathan takes a step closer to the bed and then stops again, seemingly unable to decide if he should just hug the crying brunette or if he should keep yelling at her.

It's obvious that Nathan is going through the same emotions that he himself had just an hour ago. Anger, frustration, guilt, fear. When he found Brooke lifeless on the floor, there had just been so many emotions fighting to get out, and when the doctor said she would make it, anger had been one of the biggest, actually even bigger than relief.

But while waiting in the waiting room the anger had sunk back and given room for guilt, sadness and fear. And to the hundreds of questions he wants to ask her, like 'why?'…

Most of all he just wants to ask Brooke why.

If it weren't for the way Nathan had barged into Brooke's room without caring about hospital rules, he would probably still sit in that cold chair in the waiting area, asking that same question over and over.

"I can't believe you would do something like this B…" Nathan mumbles with a voice that's suddenly cracking up. "Why didn't you just tell me it was this bad? I could have helped you… I could've…"

Nathan lets his hand fall down again and lets out a shaky sigh before adding "I don't even know what to say to you… How could you do this to me when you _know_ that you almost killed me back when you drank yourself unconscious? It's not okay Brooke! Damn it…"

Up until now Brooke has seemed detached and sluggish, but from out of nowhere she bursts out:

"I didn't take the god damn pills! I _didn't_ try to kill myself, but that's NOT the fucking point! The point is that if I had, then it wouldn't have been to hurt _you_ or anyone else. God, Nathan you're just like Peyton. You think that everything revolves around you. But guess what? It doesn't!"

She sounds frustrated. Fed up. But it's the coldness in her voice that scares him as he watches the two brunettes fight it out from his position in the doorway. On some level he wishes he could yell too. Scream and throw things. But it's not how he works.

He can feel Haley's presence behind him in the doorway and when he glances at her, she puts a comforting hand on his arm as if to say 'everything will be fine'.

But Nathan, who currently looks up towards the ceiling and blinks away tears, is suddenly very silent. His dark-haired brother opens his mouth to say something, but then he closes it again.

"Don't lie to me, Brooke…" Nathan finally mumbles, and when he adds "Please…" then Brooke just covers her face and sobs harder.

"I'm not, Nate… I'm sorry! I didn't _take_ the pills…"

He can't take it anymore and he steps into the room and hurries the last few feet over to her bed. Nathan is furiously wiping his face, still shaking with a mixture of anger and pain, but he pushes past him and wraps Brooke in his arms. She melts into his embrace and all he can think about is that her body is warm. Alive.

He doesn't want to think about what could have happened if he hadn't taken that run this morning. And he understands Nathan's anger. He really does. But Nathan hadn't seen her on the floor, he hadn't held her when she felt all cold, and right now he's just so incredibly thankful that Brooke is still here with him.

He guesses that the biggest reason for the way Nate is acting is guilt. If it is, then he knows exactly how it feels, because the guilt is eating away at his insides. He should have _known_. Should have _been there_.

For some reason, the conversation he had with Nathan in the car a couple of weeks back when they had gotten Brooke from the bar, keeps playing over and over.

"_I'm not an idiot Nate, I CAN take care of Brooke, you know! I'm telling you she's fine! She's just drunk…"_

"_You think?! Are you forgetting the reason that she is in this shape, huh?"_

"_I never meant to hurt her and what happened tonight was just a big misunderstanding… I know that if Brooke only allowed me to explain we can sort all this shit out."_

"_Sure, I believe that when I see it…_

He can't shake the disappointment that had been in his brother's voice, and for every minute that passes he feels more and more as if Nathan had been right. Maybe he was actually hurting her worse than he had realized?

"It's gonna be alright…" he hushes into her hair. "It'll be okay, baby…"

"How the hell can you SAY that?!" Nathan booms behind him and he shuts his eyes and holds Brooke tighter.

Again, Nathan is right. How _can_ he say that everything is going to be okay when the girl that he loves more than anything has just tried to kill herself with pre scripted sleeping pills? How could anything be alright after something like this?

"Nate, calm down…" he answers silently. "She's scared, okay? And she needs rest. We're not even allowed to be in here… If you keep yelling at her someone will come and throw us out."

Haley mumbles something quietly to Nathan from the doorway while Brooke cries against his chest, wetting his t-shirt with hot tears. And he rubs her back in calming motions. He wants to lash out too, but seeing Brooke in this state, and with the clear visual of her unconscious body on the floor still present in his mind, he can't.

After Haley's whispered words, Nathan stays silent, and the air in the room is so tense that it almost makes him nauseous. Then someone clears their throat and he looks up to see that Haley has moved over to Nathan and that a doctor is standing at her previous spot in the doorway.

"Excuse me boys, but could I have a word with Ms. Davis alone please?"

He reluctantly lets go of Brooke and places a soft kiss on her forehead. Her skin feels hot, almost feverish against his lips.

"We'll just wait outside" he whispers, and she nods without meeting his eyes.

But Nathan crosses his arms over his chest.

"Hell no. I'm not leaving."

_Just between you and I  
You and me and the satellites  
I never believed you  
I only wanted to_

The doctor looks at Brooke and Lucas on the bed, but when he says those five words with force, the doctor turns and looks at him instead.

"The brother, right?" he says politely with a questioning expression.

"Exactly. Nathan Davis. I'm staying." Then he points at Lucas and adds "And so is he. We're all staying"

Brooke seems detached, as if she doesn't really care whether they stay or go, and the doctor nods hesitantly before walking closer to the bed.

"I'm Dr. Marcus" he says in a calm voice directed to Brooke. "How are you feeling?"

She shrugs.

"Tired."

"How is the head? Still painful?"

"Yes."

The short clinical answers Brooke deliver surprises him. She won't look at neither him nor Lucas, but she meets the eyes of the doctor straight on. He wonders how the doctor can seem so calm. Shouldn't he have brought a shrink in here? Shouldn't Brooke be force-fed charcoal or something?

"When are you letting Brooke out of here?" he breaks in impatiently. "Our parents aren't home and I need to know when to pick her up."

Brooke looks at him strangely and he gives her a stern look. She better not think that he'd let this pass easily. That he'd let her go back to staying with Rachel without supervision. He'd rather tie her to his own wrist then having that happen. Last time he stood in a hospital watching Brooke like this, he had made the wrong decision. Back then he had turned his back on her, leaving her to fend for herself. And judging by what had almost happened today, she clearly wasn't capable of doing that.

"Well, Ms. Davis can leave as soon as the other test-results come back if she wants, but we'd rather have her with us here at least until tonight. Just to make sure that she's not straining herself with her concussion. But you were right…" the doctor says and now he turns towards Brooke. "Your tox-screens came back negative… I'm sorry to say that we gave you a gastric lavage without reason."

Brooke's eyes are cold now and she doesn't look at the doctor, she looks at him.

"I told you I didn't take those pills."

He frowns.

"What? But…"

His voice trails off and he looks at the doctor, feeling more and more confused by the minute.

"Ms. Davis had no traces of drugs in her stomach. What kind of worries me is that she had no traces of _anything_ in her stomach. No food and hardly no liquids either. It's clear to say that your sister came in here malnourished and dehydrated, and from what she tried telling us, probably extremely fatigued as well. I'd like your parents to come down here and pick her up since it is clear that she hasn't been taking care of herself, and since she's a minor…"

Brooke finally snaps and she looks angry when saying "I don't need a babysitter! I am fine! I told you I wasn't suicidal. I just forgot to eat…"

And although he still hasn't gotten his mind around what the hell is going on, he looks at her and with one look he tells her that if she doesn't shut up, he'll go ballistic.

"What are you saying?" he asks the doctor and struggles to unclench his teeth. "Brooke didn't over-dose? Then why was she unconscious? Lucas found her on the floor…"

Lucas nods, looking between Brooke the doctor and himself, and the doctor shrugs.

"We can't be sure. Maybe out of exhaustion and lack of proper nutrition. We're giving her nutrition through IV now, but she needs rest for a couple of days. Maybe she's been stressed lately and her body is just in a weakened state. But you should also think about having her see someone. A psychiatrist or counselor. I'll give a recommendation to your parents."

Parents. How the hell was he going to produce a loving set of parents to pick Brooke up? Victoria and Charles hadn't been in town for almost a year. Frankly, he's not sure they'd care enough to pick her up even if they were still living down the street.

Brooke still eyes him angrily and he sighs, feeling helpless.

"Our parents live in California…" he mumbles and looks at Lucas for support. "I'll call them of course but it could take days for them to get here. Could you release Brooke to me? I'd make sure she stays resting…"

"Well, are you over eighteen? Are you two living in the same household?"

"Uhm…"

Damn it. How the fuck was he going to solve this? Judging by the anger in Brooke's eyes, she'd out him the second he lied and said they lived together. But then Lucas says;

"Brooke's been staying with a friend of hers but that girl has no parental supervision either. She can live with me and my mother. My mom is her guardian when her parents are away. She's stayed with us before."

Nathan waits for Brooke's protests, especially when the doctor asks Lucas if he's the boyfriend that found her and his brother nods, but surprisingly Brooke just stares out the window and he notices that tears are once again falling down her cheeks. Apparently they're all playing charades.

The pretend brother, the pretend boyfriend and now the indifferent cheerleader.

But when the doctor agrees to releasing Brooke in Karen's custody she sighs so deeply that his heart breaks in two.

"B…" he says silently and sits down on her bedside. "Look at me…"

The doctor asks Lucas and Haley to go with him to fill out some forms, and once they're left alone in the room she actually does turn towards him.

"I told you I didn't take them…" she repeats, but this time her voice is hardly even audible. "You just didn't believe me… Lucas still doesn't believe me, I can see it in his eyes…"

"Do you even understand how much you scared me?" he asks, avoiding her statement. "I thought you were going to _die_ Brooke. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I just feel so helpless… I just want you to talk to me. Do you understand?"

He rubs her naked arm but stays clear of the IV-needle on her hand. The paleness of her skin still worries him, and so does the emptiness in her eyes. She might not have swallowed the drugs, but there are still other things that make him ache with worry.

And then she finally looks him in the eyes and says something that makes him freeze.

"You know what Nate? I wish I _had_ taken those pills… I thought about it, and it had just been easier… I think it would have been better…"

His insides tighten up and all he can do is look at her. He wonders if she thinks about her parents, and if she too realizes that calling them would be totally useless. Last time she had ended up in the hospital, he had pretty much ended up wanting to beat the crap out of her dad.

"_Brooke. If you want attention, then there are better ways to achieve that. Good grades for example, and good behavior."_

_Charles watched Brooke with a disapproving face and Victoria talked distractedly in her cell phone. He and Peyton stood in the corner by Brooke's bed and just watched the entire scenario in disbelief. Barely fifteen years old, he felt like the entire ordeal was weird dream._

"_But Mr. Davis…" he tried, although before he could even finish the sentence, Charles cut him off._

"_No Nathan, don't defend her. Brooke knows that she acted like a stupid child, don't you Brooke?"_

_The nod was almost unnoticeable, but it was still there. "Yes dad."_

"_Now, don't make me come home from another business-trip in vane like this, you hear me? I'm fed up with your little theater acts. Your mother has spoken to Peyton's father and he'll be picking you up later. We have an important dinner to attend."_

_Another nod. And he watched in silence as Brooke looked back coldly at her father, before the older man turned to his wife._

"_Come on Victoria. We're leaving."_

_He balled his fists, trying hard to not yell out that they could go fuck themselves. Peyton's hand on his shoulder, telling him that lashing out would only make things worse, was probably the only thing that held him back._

_Victoria closed her cell-phone with a snap and took Mr. Davis' held out arm. Then Brooke's parents left without a word. Victoria didn't look at Brooke once._

From what he can remember, they went on holiday to Cayman Islands shortly after that, but he's not sure because by then he had already told Brooke that he was done babysitting her.

'No wonder she's is fucked up' he catches himself thinking while looking at the girl in the bed in front of him. No wonder she doesn't trust Lucas, or him or even herself. She simply doesn't know what _trust_ is.

_Before all of this  
What did I miss?  
Do you ever get homesick?  
I can't get used to it_

Brooke wants to sleep. But with everybody fussing around her, she can't.

Her stomach aches from the stupid tube they had shoved down her throat, and because of that totally unnecessary stomach-pumping she isn't allowed to have solid food.

Nathan is sitting in a corner of the room and he's stared at her in silence for over an hour. He seems so angry, and maybe she shouldn't blame him for it since her last comment about actually wanting to take those pills had been unnecessary. But it was the truth. She _had_ thought about it, had thought that it would be an easy way out. But she could never do it.

After that comment Nathan had closed up like a clam. Stared at her for minutes with eyes all empty and then he had left the room, only to return moments later with a frightened looking Lucas. And he hadn't said a word since.

Now Lucas is sitting at the foot of her bed, and as long as she keeps her eyes closed he stays silent too, probably thinking that she's sleeping. Once in a while he rubs her leg on top of the blanket and the feeling is reassuring. She's been avoiding him for a week, hardly even met his eyes. But she can't avoid him now, because just as Nathan, he seems almost desperate to keep her within his sight.

At least Haley has left, probably to take her shift at the café. And it's not that she doesn't want Haley around, it's just that after getting yelled at by Nathan, she's not sure she can handle the way she knows that Haley will look at her. Eyes all sad, worried and full of understanding.

She sighs and curls up tighter, and instantly Lucas starts rubbing her leg again. Then she hears Nathan get up from his chair.

"Man, I'm leaving. I need to think..."

Lucas mumbles a silent "I'll stay with her…" and she can't help but wonder why. She's been nothing but cold towards him the last month, avoided him totally during the past week. Why did he even care?

A lot lately, she's been thinking about that message he left on her answering machine right after she had run out on him in the girls bathroom. She had played it so many times that she knew it by heart.

"_I love you pretty girl. I know you don't believe me, and I know that there are things you're not telling me… but I love you. I don't think I'll ever stop…"_

However she twists and turns it, she doesn't understand. Why had he said that, when just minutes earlier he had said… No. God, no. She doesn't want to think of that now. Because that sentence had been the final blow.

What had it meant? More importantly; what did he _want_? And how did his 'I love you' piece together with what he had said when he was still inside her?

Her head hurts. And her heart. It hurts so much just to think about the disappointment in Nathan's and Haley's eyes. Both Nathan and Lucas had actually thought that she had tried killing herself. On top of this she still needs to think about what Whitey had told her the other day. And the fact that soon she wouldn't even have a place to live.

Lucas hand rubs comforting circles on her calf and she reluctantly closes her eyes. It feels as if she hasn't slept for days, and maybe she hasn't.

As always, he reads her mind.

"Just go to sleep Brooke. I'm here…"

And within seconds, she does.

_I can't get used to it  
I'll never get used to it  
_

_I'm under that night  
I'm under those same stars  
We're in a red car_

"It's time to go pretty girl" he says softly and brushes some hair out of her face. "My mom is signing your release-forms."

She looks at him, somewhat confused at first, and then she sits up. She's already dressed in the sweats and t-shirt she had worn when she came in this morning, and he hands her his sweater.

"Put this on. It's cold."

It's so weird to have Brooke being this quiet and he wonders if she's angry. He knows that she doesn't want to stay with him. She probably doesn't even want him around, but a greater need of keeping her safe had taken over his actions before. And his mother had told him that he had done the right thing. She had practically gone as crazy as Nathan when Haley first called her.

He watches as Brooke gets up on wobbly legs and keeps her balance by holding on to the bed for a second. She takes the offered sweater and pulls it over her head, looking like a sleepy child. And then, when she's finished putting it on, she looks down towards the floor.

"I don't have any shoes…" she mumbles, and for some strange reason the comment makes his bottom lip tremble.

"I'll give you a piggyback ride to the car," he answers smiling as soon as he's sure his voice won't crack, and then he stretches out a hand for her to take. "Now come on…"

She takes his hand, intertwining her fingers with his, and follows him. Home.

They walk into the house at ten o'clock in the evening and Brooke silently walks straight into his room and closes the door. She didn't say a word during the car-ride and his mother hadn't pressured her either. But now Karen pats his shoulder and gives him a sad smile.

"Its okay for her to be angry Lucas. She needs to calm down a bit. I'll talk to her tomorrow, okay?"

He nods. The tiredness he's feeling is almost overwhelming.

"I'm gonna hang in the living-room for a bit" he mutters. "I have to call Nathan and tell him we're home… and _yes_ mom, I _will_ be sleeping on the couch."

"Okay. I'll just go see if Brooke needs anything."

He heads into the other room and grabs the phone. Dials Nathan's number and waits for his brother to pick up. He does almost instantly.

"We're home now."

Nathan lets out a sigh of relief on the other end.

"She alright?"

"I don't really know… she doesn't talk that much and she went straight into my bedroom and closed the door."

"And you let her?"

His brother suddenly sounds annoyed. "Damn it Luke, you have to keep an eye on her… Make sure she lies down and doesn't…"

"And doesn't what? Take any pills? You heard the doctor, Nathan. She didn't take them. She's just really exhausted."

It's wishful thinking and he knows it. But he wants it to be over. He wants to be able to think that if Brooke just had a good nights sleep, she'd be alright. Back to her normal spunky happy self.

"Tell that to someone who believes it…" Nathan mutters back. "Just make sure she doesn't lock the door."

"Why?"

He's worried too, but Nathan is irrational. And his brother sighs even louder.

"Don't make me regret letting her stay with you Luke…"

"_Letting_ her? What? You're her father now too? First you pretend to be her brother, and now you're replacing her entire family?"

His voice comes out angry but he just can't help himself. This day seems to be without end and all the fear and anger is finally catching up with him. "I can't _guard_ her! If that's what you want then you should come get her, because I can't do that…"

Nathan takes a deep breath, and he can picture his dark haired brother trying to calm himself in order to not let the old temper-issues take over.

"That's not what I'm saying. Look Lucas… I'm sorry for being a jackass but I'm going crazy here. I don't know what to do… This scares me, okay? Brooke acting like this scares me… I don't want her to be alone. I want her to know that she has someone to hold her if she feels like crying. Just… I don't know… I just don't want her to be like this…"

He listens to Nathan ramble and he realizes that he and his brother pretty much are having the same thoughts. He hates that Brooke refuses to let him in, hates that he isn't allowed to comfort her and hold her. But to hear Nathan say this still has him very confused.

A week ago Nathan hardly wanted him in the same room as Brooke and now he was telling him to…

"Wait… what?" he asks and squints. "You're saying that you _want_ me to go in there and hold her? Maybe even against her will?"

There's somewhat of an awkward silence as Nathan ponders his own words.

"Yeah… I guess that's exactly what I'm saying. Because whatever she's displayed the last couple of days, I think it's exactly what she wants…"

"But…"

"Seriously Lucas. This is not the time to let her be stubborn. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with her… but we can't afford her having another breakdown alone. Think about the party, and about her behavior at the bar… and now this… I know she didn't take the pills… but she said she _wanted_ to take them. I mean what the hell was she doing with a whole bunch of sleeping pills in the first place, huh? Like Haley said, maybe we're _lucky_ she fainted. Maybe she just didn't have the time to get them into her mouth?"

He can feel himself closing his eyes tightly. He doesn't want to hear this, yet he knows that Nathan is right.

"What if I make it worse?" he whispers. "What if it was all this shit with me that got her to this point in the first place?"

Nathan sighs, but then his voice softens slightly. "It was you among lots of things I guess… I mean, I'm still confused about what you said to her the other day, but there must be more crap that we don't know about. She needs you to fix her, Luke. At least make her open up…"

"I'm trying…" he lets out even more silently. "And about what I said to her… It was a misunderstanding… I was just…"

This time Nathan cuts him off.

"Don't tell _me_, bro. Tell _her_. And please man, _don't_ screw up. Just fucking fix this."

He hangs up without answering. He really wants to fix it. But what if he can't?

_You asleep at my side  
Going in and out of the headlights  
Could I have saved you?  
Would that have betrayed you?_

She sighs inwardly and opens her eyes in the semi-darkness. Lucas' blue orbs meet her instantly and he smiles weakly, making her heart ache.

And after the latest twenty-four hours of craziness she wants nothing but to cry. But she'll scare him. Make him think that she's having another meltdown, and she's not. She's just so tired.

"What are you doing in here?" she says instead, and her voice comes out all raw and raspy. Raspier than usual, she thinks. Probably because of the brutal treatment of shoving a tube down her throat. Totally in vane.

He sits down on the bed next to her and he seems almost nervous.

"I just wanted to check on you…" he says silently. "Make sure you're okay."

She stares up at the ceiling. Is she okay? Really? What answers can she give to his question without lying?

"I will be…" she says finally, thinking that hopefully it's the truth. Eventually she would be, right? Although how she's really not sure.

Lucas tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and she shivers slightly. She's so tired and she just wants to… she needs… if he just…

He looks at her with so much worry on his face and she feels bad for having him feel like that. When he keeps playing with her hair, without any trace of wanting to leave the room, she silently breaths out;

"Can you stay with me for a while? Just lay here?"

He looks hesitant for a second but then he nods and lifts the blankets before crawling into bed with her. He snakes a strong arm around her waist and pulls her towards him until the space between them is next to none. And she finally relaxes a little with his body so close and the well-known scent of his soap and cologne. His breathing is calm and after a few minutes her own breathing starts to follow the pattern of his.

After their little 'collision course' in the bathroom the other week she hasn't let him touch her once but now she intertwines her fingers with his and pulls his arm tighter around her waist, bringing his hand with hers up towards her face. She can't afford to let her pride win right now, because even if this is all she'll ever get from him; stolen moments of comfort when he offers them, then she has to make do with that. Because right now, being close to him is the only thing that eases the feeling of sinking.

"Do you think you can sleep in here with me?" she whispers. "I don't want to be alone right now…"

She can feel him nod again and his breath is warm against the back of her neck. But it's not like earlier in the hospital. This time he's holding her close and making her feel safe, but sleep still won't come. Too much is on her mind. Tangled thoughts that keep twisting and turning. She wishes that she could block it out, but she can't, and maybe he knows that.

"What happened, Brooke?" he whispers softly. "Can you tell me?"

Sighing, she places a gentle kiss on his knuckles. Honestly she's not sure. Could she tell him?

"I don't really know" she whispers back. "It was stupid, really… I was just so tired. I had been up all night, and Rachel wasn't home… and the fridge was kind of empty…and…"

She can't see his face but she knows that he's frowning, inwardly rolling his eyes.

"Why didn't you call for pizza? You know the number to all the home-delivery places by heart?"

"I don't know…"

Shrugging in his arms, she feels like a child. She doesn't know anything nowadays. But he doesn't lecture her like Nathan would have or sigh the way Haley usually does. Instead he holds her tighter.

"How long has it been since you slept a whole night?" he asks silently and this time she answers him on autopilot.

"About a month."

Maybe two? The last time she remembers sleeping until morning was after the party when Nathan sat next to her in the chair.

"Were you scared? Was that why you didn't sleep?"

His voice is so soft and the first tear slides down her cheek teasingly slowly, before coming to a stop on the skin of his hand. The second one follows faster, and the third one gets caught on her lip, making her taste its disappointed saltiness.

She nods and he kisses her temple. Hushes her without words.

And before she knows it, she's shaking with the sobs that she hadn't let out last night after reading the email that _hadn't_ come from her parents.

But that's not all she's crying for. She also cries because Lucas knows her so well, sees right through her so easily, and still doesn't understand her.

He doesn't understand that he is all she needs. All she _ever_ fucking wanted, except for a loving home.

"I'm so sorry for all the shit I've put you through…" he mumbles against her hair, and she kisses his knuckles again, now wet with her tears. _  
_

"I've forgiven you for that a long time ago, Luke."

That's not the problem.

_I wanna burn this film  
You alone with those pills  
What you couldn't do I will  
I forgive you_

So that's not the problem then.

Lucas molds his body after hers even more and tries to search every crevice of his brain for an explanation. For an answer to why Brooke is suddenly so lost and so scared.

"But you don't trust me?" he whispers into the darkness. A darkness that he suddenly realizes is comforting to him, but that to her symbolizes loneliness and fear. "You don't trust that I love you?"

This time she doesn't answer, and he's not the least bit surprised. After their misunderstanding after having had sex in the school bathroom, he has known that she doesn't. Back then he had honestly almost gotten angry over the fact that she was so quick to draw weird conclusions, but the more he had thought about it, the clearer it got.

Brooke Davis has relationship-issues. Bad ones. And who was he to blame her? The only relationship that she had really observed up close was the one of her parents, and that relationship had surely been a one-way street straight to hell. And the two relationships that she herself had been involved in had both ended with her being cheated on. Not all that great statistics.

"Brooke…" he pushes, and gently forces her to turn towards him. "Talk to me. Why did you run the other day? Was it because I said I couldn't promise you anything?"

She unwillingly turns, but she refuses to meet his eyes.

"I know how it came out baby… but you _know_ me Brooke. You know that I tend to say things the wrong way…and I…"

He stops and takes a breath. Searches for her eyes and thinks long and hard on how to pick his words. This is _not_ the time to fuck up. Not now when she is so fragile and he needs her to trust him so badly.

She bites her lower lip and he reaches out and rubs his thumb over it to make her stop. In his head, he lists his recent fuck-ups to eliminate the bad ways to explain.

1. The way he handled the library-kiss. 2. The way he continuously defended hanging out with her best friend. 3. His inability to let her in and the way he had ignored her when he went away with his mother. 4. The badly handled fight at the wedding reception. 5. His silence when she broke up with him. 6. The total lack of fighting for her, then fighting _with_ her instead, over whom she dated or what she did…

He's sure there are many more things in between. Stupid stuff he's said that she has misunderstood, or just times where he should have told her how much he loved her but didn't.

And he regrets all of it so much, because now when he needs her to believe in what he says, it feels like he has done nothing but cried wolf with his never ending 'sorry's.

Most of all he regrets opening his stupid mouth eight days ago in that bathroom, when he was still deep inside her and he was still trying to find his breath.

"_Maybe we shouldn't have done this" she panted and leaned her head back against the cold wall. "Was this stupid, Luke? This was a bad decision, right?"_

_He ignored her words and captured her bottom lip in between his, sucking on it slightly before resting his forehead against hers. As long as she didn't say that she hated him again, he felt like they were heading in the right direction._

"_That's where you're wrong Brooke" he breathed out. "This is a good decision. We're good. And I can't promise you that we'll be forever, but we can still have this, right?"_

_She froze visibly and retracted a bit, but he was still too dazed from the recent orgasm to understand that she reacted to what he had said. He repeated himself; "Right pretty girl?" and leaned in for another kiss, but this time she pushed him back._

"_We can still have this?" she asked and looked at him strangely. "This?"_

_He looked at her as she first looked at him and then scanned their surroundings. "This?"_

_He nodded stupidly, just catching on that she looked sad again. "Yeah" he said and pointed between them. "This. I love you. But who can promise forever, Brooke? Can you?"_

_With a strange ice in her eyes she pushed him back further and jumped down from her place on the sink. In seconds she had gathered her stuff and she was already on her way out the door when he grabbed her wrist. _

"_What happened? Why are you leaving? Was it something I said?"_

_He desperately searched her eyes for answers but all over again, she just looked so sad._

"_I need to get to class…" she mumbled and averted her eyes, which in turn resulted in him grabbing her chin and making her look at him._

"_Hey… I love you, Brooke. I want to be with you."_

_She just shook her head so that he lost his grip and sighed deeply. Then she ran. _

He remembers standing there like an idiot. And then he chased her out in the corridor. But it wasn't until later, long after she had disappeared, that he realized that she must have thought that all he wanted from her was an easy fuck in secret now and again. That when he said 'This', she had thought that he only meant the two of them naked in a public restroom, and it couldn't be further from the truth.

He sighs and cups Brooke's face in his palms.

"Baby…" he whispers and dries off a couple of fresh tears from her cheek with the pad of his thumb. "I know how it came out, but you have to understand that after all the times lately when you pushed me away, I was really scared. But I can give you _anything_ you want, okay?"

She stares at him, doe-eyed like a frightened child, and he again gets struck with the memory of her lifeless body on the kitchen floor of Rachel's cold mansion.

"If you need time" he continues, spurred on by the fear of how it all could have ended. "Then I'll give you time. If you need me to hold you, then I'll hold you every day… Just please don't push me away Brooke. Please let me help you…"

His voice cracks and he struggles to take a calming breath. And watching her close her eyes for a second, he knows that this is the maker or breaker. The last call.

Then she opens them again, and she looks like she's almost in pain when she whispers:

"Okay."

_I'll forgive you_

_For blue, blue skies  
I'll forgive you_

-l-

* * *

**Author's note**: Just like in the author's note in the beginning, I should really just shut up LOL. Last time, if I'm not mistaken, I said that you guys would get a quicker update, and I obviously did not keep that promise. So this time I say nothing. Nothing other than that I would never abandon a story. And for those of you who patiently wait for my updates, I love you immensely.

**Thank you's**: Sometimes I wanna kiss you all. LOL. There are some of you who never complains about my lack of updating this story, some who've reviewed almost every chapter, and some that just spoil me with such amazing and long reviews that I blush.

If I had the possibility, I would write long personal thank you's to each and every one of you, but I'm at work and there's just not time for that. So I'm just gonna list you all and hope that you feel the telepathical love ;) /Lynn

Daniel

Michaela

Cami

Stefy

Ellie

Cheyenne

Hilary

Bri

Vicky

Kat

Elena

Whitney

Ebony

Trish

Denise

AV

Rena

Allie

Brucas333

Bella

Sara (Brucas2006)

Jade (SmileLikeYouMeanIt)

MaGgIe2328

Potato92

Shedyourmask

KCPreTTyGurL

BRUCAS EQUALS LOVE

Brucasbrathanbaleybrachel

flipflopgal

missdenmark

princetongirl

Nina

Stagediva23

Kristine

PeterClaire

Lexi02

Era

Taylor

JTE

Brucass

Davis-Scott

Carabell

Silverfoxx01

Meaa

JH


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